Your SO OF COURSE preview of WWE WrestleMania 32!

In this day and age you can’t just “predict” a PPV anymore, you have to to account for the capricious whims of WWE’s septuagenarian, sleep-deprived egomaniac owner. You can’t just “preview” a PPV…you have to Preview how things should go, in a reasonable and sane world, and then add “so of course…” and explain what Vince McMahon will probably do instead.

So consider this your SO OF COURSE preview of WWE Bullhorns and Star!mania

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Last time on SO OF COURSE, WWE ran it’s second annual “Fastlane” PPV, a show dedicated to reminding us we’re on the “road” to WrestleMania, while Monday Night Raw broadcasts weekly from the ditch, with the back wheels of the bus spinning on air and the driver slumped over the wheel with a bottle of jack in his hand, and all the passengers hanging out the window crying and screaming for help and when help finally arrives, it’s in the form of

and everyone dies.

Sorry what was I talking about? Oh yes, WrestleMania.

This year WWE brings its annual supershow to Cowboys Stadium, also known as “JerryWorld” in Arlington (Dallas), TX. I’ve been to a couple Arkansas Razorback vs Texas A&M Aggie games there. It’s a palace and with that giant video screen hanging between the 20’s, there’s not a bad seat in the house. Which is good because my seats for WrestleMania are waaaay up there. I’m bringing binoculars just in case.

This year will break the record for the most people ever to attend a WWF/E event. Or will it? Let’s talk about that for a bit (a bit). WrestleMania III is always talked about as the gold standard for attendance, with the number given being 93,000. In actuality the number was probably closer to 78,000. Then came SummerSlam 1992 at Wembley Stadium in London. That attendance was promoted as 92,000, but this too was an imaginary number. It was meant to be huge but not bigger than Mania3’s total. In actuality the attendance was probably around 80,000, making it, for a long time, the record-holder for WWF shows.

Cowboys stadium has 80,000 seats in it. Of course a large number of seats in one endzone are going to be tarped off to make room for the massive stage setup, but those seats will be replaced with on-field chairs. There’s also another 20,000 “spots” available for “standing room only” tickets (which are like $20 bucks and worth it if you don’t mind sitting on the floor when you get tired), bringing the total capacity to 100,000 people. No matter what, WWE is going to announce a number higher than WrestleMania 3’s 93,000. The NBA All-Star Game in 2010 managed to pack 110,000 but I don’t think WWE will have the guts to lie that much. Still, I’ll be shocked if they don’t announce a number greater than 100,000.

With WWE planning to break their all-time attendance record you can be sure they are also planning a night to remember to go along with it. It’s a shame that so many big name superstars will be forced to miss it due to injury. John Cena, Sting, Seth Rollins, Randy Orton, Neville and Cesaro were all expected to have big roles on the big show, but it’s likely that all but John Cena (who will surely make an appearance, if only for a short promo) and Sting (who will be inducted into the Hall of Fame) will be off the show entirely. With so many top superstars out, WWE had to work extra hard to produce a robust and varied card for fans of all ages to enjoy. Did they? Let’s talk it out…

~~~

PRESHOW BRU HA HA

First of all, the preshow this year will be two hours and will feature multiple matches, as of writing these 3 have been confirmed, I think it’s a good assumption considering their importance…

OPENING MATCH NO ONE CARES ABOUT

THE DUDLEY BOYZ vs THE USOS is the match in a feud that’s been ongoing for what feels like EVER. And while it seems like it’s been months in the making, absolutely nothing has happened in the feud. It all started when the Dudley’s turned heel by attacking the Usos, and vowing to the crowd that they would never put anyone through a table (a crowd favorite) again. That’s it. There’s been no progression to the feud. It’s just been that but repeated about a dozen times across various Raws and Smackdowns. Now it all comes to a head at WrestleMania….’s preshow. Honestly the return of the Dudleys has been a bit of a bust, so a preshow match that no one cares about is about as good as can be expected. As for the finish, you still need to have the Dudleys go over, if only to justify their starpower and the company’s decision to bring them back. I know WrestleMania is usually the show where the babyface goes over, but again, it’s the preshow and no one cares.

SO OF COURSE!

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THE SEMI-ANNUAL “GET THE DIVAS ON THE CARD” MATCH

This year we have an eight-woman tag match, featuring BRIE BELLA, PAIGE, NATALIA, & ALICIA FOX vs LANA, EMMA, TAMINA & NAOMI. The origins of the match are a beef between Lana and Brie Bella. If you’re looking for motivations, explanations and logical storytelling, I would remind you that this is a pre-show match featuring Divas not named Sasha, Becky or Charlotte. Take your expectations for logic elsewhere. All we know is Lana doesn’t like Brie and has assembled a Legion of Doom (the Lex Luthor team, not the Road Warriors) to take out Brie and her team of Superfriends. It’s a two hour preshow, which means this one will probably stretch about six minutes longer than it needs to (so about eight minutes total), but hopefully no one gets hurt.

The real story here is, unfortunately (but of course) a conversation that needs to be had about WWE’s total lack of self-awareness regarding Eva Marie. I actually missed the go-home Raw before WrestleMania but my friend Andrew sent me a message saying that Eva Marie was added to the Divas tag match. My first thought was “well that’s…okay I guess. I mean she gets a strong reaction on NXT and they brought Emma back up for it, so…” But then I checked the detailed reports of the show (right here, on cultofwhatever!) and I learn that she was added to the babyface team. My reaction changed:

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Now it’s true that the other members of the team acted less than excited about having her their side but wrestling journalist Dave Meltzer reports that WWE expected Eva to get a “strong babyface reaction” and were surprised that Brooklyn booed her. They were surprised that Brooklyn booed her. They were surprised at this. I wonder if they even watch their own shows. So now we have a match that doesn’t matter, and won’t matter after the opening hour of the five hour show, and will never matter again after WrestleMania is behind us, and WWE drops what looks to be a storyline development on the go home show. Maybe (just freaking maybe) if they didn’t waste their time doing last minute rewrites their show could be better planned ahead and developments like “new team member is not liked and could sabotage our chances of winning” could be explored over the six (!) weeks that they give themselves between their February PPV and WrestleMania. But nerp: Let’s just keep on doing things the way we’ve always done them and then be surprised when the audience doesn’t react how we expect them to.

Totally Vince McMahon right now:

I’m not even going to get into the ramifications of Vince thinking WWE’s audience would cheer Eva after NXT’s audience has booed (worse than any other heel) her for months. It’s very clear that they don’t pay attention to anything happening in NXT and for that I say

thank-you

You see what WWE has done to me? It’s made me type HUNDREDS OF WORDS about Eva Mafreakingrie. It’s not just stubbornness on their part, it’s blatant lack of self awareness of their own product and how their fans perceive it. It’s the same problem with Roman Reigns push. But I don’t want to go down that road again.

In other news, the match will also be Lana’s in-ring debut and after months of waiting I can‘t wait to see what she has in store for us. At the end of the match, though, I expect Brie Bella will get the victory and will lead the 60,000 fans (those who made it inside to the stadium at that point in the evening), along with (hopefully) Daniel Bryan, in the YES! chant…for possibly the last time…

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SO OF COURSE!

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UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Here’s another feud that, like the Dudley vs Uso fight, has been stuck in first gear since it kicked off. It all started when Ryback changed his gear from “roided up Ninja Turtle” to “slightly stockier Goldberg.” That coincided with his more aggressive in-ring style, while still remaining a babyface (in front of fans that largely didn’t care about him). While walking backstage one Raw, he came across diminutive US Champ Kalisto. Ryback made some passive-aggressive remarks about Kalisto’s size vis-a-vis Ryback, and later challenged him to a match at WrestleMania.

To be fair, this is one of those rare WWE feuds where the two competitors haven’t wrestled ten thousand times before the PPV, so I’m appreciative of that. On the other hand, it seems clear that Ryback and Kalisto are going to be wrestling each other for the next three months, easy, so I doubt I’ll be so jovial when I’m writing the so of course preview of Money in the Bank. There seem to be two options available to WWE. There’s the smart play, which is to give Kalisto (the guy they hope to be the next Rey Mysterio) the win in his first WrestleMania match, and let that be the impetus to officially turn Ryback heel and kick off their feud properly. OR, they can do the stupid thing, which is to give Ryback the win and let a neutered Kalisto try and chase both the title and whatever heat he had with the crowd for the next few months, all while the crowd loses interest in Kalisto because he’s not booked strong enough, until one day he’s hardly getting any cheers and WWE wonders why he’s not getting over when it’s their own stupid booking that is hurting him and superstars like him… They could do that. Or they could give Kalisto the win and make him look like a star.

SO OF COURSE!

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~~~

MAIN SHOW SPECTACULAR!

The main card this year will have eight matches on it, up from the seven that were on the cards of WrestleMania XXX and WrestleMania 31. Because of this, and because WWE is horrible at managing their time, they have instructed PPV providers that the show will run about twenty minutes over the four hour mark. This gives The Rock plenty of time to pause to show everyone his goosebumps without having to worry about cutting into the time for the main event matches. So for those of us who will be live at the stadium, that means getting to the show at around 3:30pm, central time, and walking out to catch a taxi back to the hotel at 10:30pm. Seven straight hours of WrestleMania. My 9 year old son says he can’t wait…but I think he’ll be out like a light before the final hour starts. What’s on the card…

LADDER MATCH FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

The seven men competing are KEVIN OWENS, SAMI ZAYN, DOLPH ZIGGLER, THE MIZ, STARDUST, SIN CARA & ZACH RYDER. The decision to go with a ladder match (again) for the IC title, as opposed to the obvious Owens vs Zayn matchup is a source of frustration for a lot of fans. We saw what felt like the opening act to their story play out in NXT, as Owens beat Zayn for his NXT Title and then put him down again in the rematch. After that Owens got his main roster call up, had a big time feud with John Cena and solidified his place as an upper-mid-card heel. Now Zayn has joined him on the main roster and it just so happens that Owens has a title that he prizes the way Zayn did his NXT championship. A one-on-one match makes all kinds of storyline sense, and I expect we’ll get that match before too long. But the decision to go with a multi-man ladder match wasn’t about storyline or logic, it was about business. WWE likes having a big car crash, balls-to-the-wall match in the early part of WrestleMania. It’s why the Money in the Bank ladder match was such a big hit from 2005-2010.

After a few years of having nothing quite like MITB, WWE brought back the ladder match last year to good success. Bringing it back again this year is a corporate decision and one that is understandable, considering. Unfortunately the injury bug has bit this match and guys who would be shoe-ins for it, like Neville or Cesaro, are injured. Which means we get Miz and, amazingly, Zach Ryder. This will only be Ryder’s sixth PPV match ever (not counting do-nothing appearances in a Battle Royal here and there) and will certainly be his biggest Mania match of all time. Of course he’s only here because Neville broke his ankle, but still, he’s here. Good for him. At the end of the contest, though, this is Kevin Owen’s match. Unless they want to put the title on Zayn and have Owens chase him, the smart play is to let the champ retain and then start the Zayn feud immediately thereafter.

SO OF COURSE!

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3rd ANNUAL ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL

So with all of the injuries (and in the case of Titus O’Neil, suspensions) plaguing the company, it’s going to be interesting to see how many people actually compete in this battle royal. There’s no rule that says it has to be thirty and right now only about six or eight people have been announced. I figure a few tag teams, some NXT people, and the rest of the jobbers will fill out the match, but I’ll be shocked if we get thirty people in that ring. Without a place on the card—which is such a shame and is stupid and I hate it—Bray Wyatt has to be the odds-on favorite to win the thing. He needs something positive to come out of this. He started the year with a strong showing at the Royal Rumble, and what looked like a big feud with Brock Lesnar. That was tossed aside and with it any plans for Wyatt at WrestleMania, a show where he, while being 0-2, has taken on two of the biggest WWE superstars ever (Cena and Undertaker) in the past two years. There’s no one who makes sense to win it other than the master of the Wyatt Family and any other winner would be a colossally stupid decision.

SO OF COURSE!

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TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

First of all, if NEW DAY‘s entrance doesn’t feature them riding pantomime unicorns out of a giant butt I will be very disappointed. Theirs is one of the three entrances at WrestleMania I am legit excited about (the other two are Sasha Banks and of course, the Undertaker). New Day has been whispering on social media about their entrance for weeks now so they better have something magical up their sleeve. They really need a bit of a boost since they’ve lost a little luster since turning babyface. The edge they had as lovable heels has been sterilized a bit and their jokes have gotten a bit too one-dimensional. It’s still amazing that they’ve gotten to where they are in the span of one year (I was part of that Raw-after-WrestleMania 31 crowd that booed them and chanted “New…Day Sucks!” at them), so this really is a well-deserved pat on the back for turning their characters around and making themselves one of the hottest acts in the company for months on end.

On the other hand, there’s New Day’s opponent. And there could not be a more suitable band of losers to take them on. While New Day was a loser team that got themselves over by taking control of their character from WWE’s “creative” team, the so-called LEAGUE OF NATIONS is comprised of a merry bunch of turds that has been given push after push by “creative” with nothing to show for their efforts. There’s Sheamus, multi-time WWE Champ, World Champ, Royal Rumble winner, King of the Ring winner, and greatly pushed as both a heel and a face. What has he got for his trouble? No one cares about him. He’s stale bread. Then there’s King Barrett, multi-time IC champ, King of the Ring winner, PPV headliner, pushed off and on for years but what has he got to show for it? Squat. Alberto Del Rio is the epitome of this. He’s been WWE champ, World champ, Royal Rumble winner, he’s defeated John Cena clean on PPV (a legit accomplishment), but he’s the mexican Sheamus. For all his achievements he can’t buy a reaction from the crowd. In fact the only guy in the League of Nations that matters is Rusev and that’s because he seems to have a legit personality that simply isn’t being given enough time to shine. If New Day doesn’t win this match it will be the biggest travesty of the whole show. They deserve a celebratory win after their work this past year; League of Nations deserves a one-way ticket to Superstars (except Rusev, who is awesome).

SO OF COURSE!

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THE MATCH OF THE NIGHT

Is it surprising that the CHRIS JERICHO vs AJ STYLES match is one of the only feuds on the whole freaking show that seems to have a solid and heated build behind it? Not when you consider Chris Jericho is the one booking the thing. After saying for months that he would only come back to WWE if he had a story, feud and opponent worth coming back for, he returns as a bland babyface that most couldn’t care less about…until AJ Styles debuts at the Royal Rumble. Suddenly Chris Jericho has a purpose and after the wonderful tease that was the tag team of Y2AJ, we finally get a WrestleMania match worthy of Chris Jericho. Jericho’s history at WrestleMania is worthy of its own article. He was originally pegged to be part of the Fatal Four-Way at WrestleMania 2000 but was bumped for the returning Mick Foley after failing to impress Vince McMahon. He curtain-jerked WrestleMania 17, lost the World title at Mania18 after a humiliating feud, lost to HBK the next year in a showstealing match, lost again to Christian in a midcard match at Mania20, lost the Money in the Bank match he “invented” the next year and was gone from the company until returning for WM24, in another MITB loss. He was finally given a spotlight match at WM25, when he took on a trio of legends (and won!) and again at WM26, when he retained the World title against Edge. After that he was gone, only to return in a losing effort against CM Punk in the WWE title match at WM28. Everyone knows of the amazing work he did putting Fandango over at WM29. This will be his Mania return after three years but it promises to be another loss. But wins and losses don’t matter as much when you’re a certified legend like Chris Jericho.

His opponent, let’s be honest, may not ever be a consistent main-event player. But he could be, fittingly, the next Chris Jericho: A solid hand with a crowd-attractive personality, and enough moxie to work a main-event match every now and then. That’s a solid career and if you could offer Styles a WrestleMania career that is anything like Jericho’s I think he’d take it. I expect a showstealing match, assuming it gets enough time, and at the end of it, I expect a clean victory for the Phenomenal One. Anything less would be a waste of both.

SO OF COURSE!

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NO HOLDS BARRED, STREET FIGHT

DEAN AMBROSE vs BROCK LESNAR has the possibility to either be a masterpiece of hardcore mayhem or a trainwreck of suplexes, false finishes and tedium. If it works it’ll be because Brock Lesnar commits to having a match unlike any he’s had since returning to WWE in 2012. Sure his first match back was that bloody and awesome Extreme Rules match against Cena (the one where Cena’s head was gushing blood two minutes into it), but that was just a brawl. And since then his matches have devolved into just suplexes over and over. That’s fun for a bit, but sometimes you want the old Lesnar back. The one who put on clinics against Kurt Angle, and went to war with Undertaker and Big Show (circa 2002).

Having the kind of match this fight deserves means bringing out the barbedwire-wrapped baseball bat. It means bringing out the chainsaw. It means bringing out thumbtacks and maybe even setting a table on fire. This has to be a hardcore, Cactus Jack/Terry Funk 1980’s Texas Death Match sort of fight. It can’t be just 15 minutes of Lesnar suplexing Ambrose, and Dean refusing to give up. They’ve teased it being a hardcore fight, and if they don’t deliver they will have some very angry fans on their hands.

This is the match that could make or break Dean Ambrose as a main-eventer. Technically he’s not a main-eventer, Roman Reigns is currently the babyface main-eventer, but there’s no denying that Ambrose is over like rover and in need of a big win to solidify his place on the card. Whether or not Roman Reigns turns heel (more on that later) WWE is in desperate need of some new people at the top of the card, especially ones that have a genuine connection with their audience. Ambrose has managed to get over despite being on the losing side of almost every feud he’s ever been in as a singles star. Ans this is, without question, the biggest match he’s ever been in. You can argue the title match against Triple H last month was bigger, but that was a small network special; this is WrestleMania. That was essentially a run of the mill PPV main event, the kind he’s had before. This is a match against the biggest box office draw the company has, on the biggest stage the company has.

To be fair, Lesnar could use a win too. Since WrestleMania last year he hasn’t exactly won a lot of matches. He had a DQ finish against Rollins at Battleground. He passed out against Undertaker at SummerSlam, defeated him at Hell in a Cell, lost at the Royal Rumble and lost again at Fastlane. He’s 1-4 since WrestleMania 31 (where he, again, lost). But between the two of them, it is Ambrose that needs to win more. Lesnar will still be the force of nature who rolls into town once every few months and devastates whomever is in his way. Ambrose needs the win, and with all the gimmicks available in this match, it shouldn’t be hard to come up with a way to give it to him.

SO OF COURSE!

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TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP

If there’s any justice, this match will get a prime spot on the card, fifteen minutes of action, and plenty of time for pre-match video packages and ring entrances. This is a match that has been building since SummerSlam last year. It’s one of the only feuds that has a solid build behind it and it features three performers that fans, who know NXT, know are capable of darn-near stealing the show. First we have the champion, CHARLOTTE. It was clear immediately after the three women were called up that Charlotte was the one who would get the first big push. She has the pedigree (being Flair’s daughter) and the look (she’s tall and athletic, like a slimmer Chyna). But NXT fans know Charlotte is the weakest of the three (or four, if you count Bayley). She’s always been a little clunky in the ring and on the mic, although she’s done well carrying out the beginning of the new era of Divas wrestling with Ric at her side.

Then we have SASHA BANKS. Sasha has the star power, she has the charisma, she has the look, she has the moves, she has the it factor. She has everything you want in a star and if there was a male wrestler that was 6’4 with her charisma and confidence he’d be an instant main-event headliner. Sasha can carry the whole division if they let her. She can play the edgy babyface, she can be the cocky heel. She can get sympathy chasing a title and she can make you want to pay to watch her lose her title. She can do it all. All that’s holding her back is the obvious idiocy that exists in the WWE “creative” writers room. Hopefully the great buildup to this match has been a sign of things to come, and not an anomaly exclusive to WrestleMania season. Charlotte’s the champ, Becky Lynch is the underdog, but the star is Sasha Banks. And WrestleMania is where stars are born and where they shine the brightest. This should be her night.

On the other hand there’s BECKY LYNCH. She’s the most technically gifted of the trio, with a good look, a fun personality, but is maybe a bit too quirky to work in Vince McMahon’s WWE. Fortunately it seems Vince has very little input in recent Divas storytelling, so if this is Triple H’s Divas Revolution, then Becky Lynch will certainly have a place in it going forward. She definitely deserves her place in this match, and it’s great that all three divas, who came up from NXT together, are getting to share the spotlight in the WrestleMania Divas match that matters the most since……Trish vs Mickie? Obviously I think Sasha should win. But if Becky were to shock the world and steal a victory (making it her first women’s title in either NXT or WWE) I wouldn’t be upset in the least. The only thing I know for sure is Charlotte needs to lose. This isn’t the end of her in the title picture, but this should be the end of this chapter in her story.

SO OF COURSE!

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WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Call me crazy but I think this will be the third year in a row that Vince shakes things up in his supposed-main-event match. Two years ago he inserted Daniel Bryan into the mix. Last year he inserted Seth Rollins. This year he has no such storyline wiggleroom to work with. He’s stuck with Roman vs Triple H and it’s clear the fans are either indifferent or flat out opposed to ROMAN REIGNS as the next John Cena-like “babyface that runs the place.” Instead of inserting a new player into the match, I think this year Vince just bumps the match from the main-event spot. And what’s more I think we will see something even more shocking (until you remember who we’re talking about): The champion, TRIPLE H, retaining. Here’s my theory: Roman loses to Triple H, then we have a triple threat at the next PPV also featuring Dean Ambrose. Ambrose wins the title there (for real this time) and Roman turns heel, wins the title in May and Ambrose chases him until SummerSlam. That’s my prediction.

Doing that would solve a lot of problems that WWE has facing it coming out of WrestleMania. For one thing, Roman Reigns is simply not over. Putting the title on him makes the main event picture an instant drag, which hurts ratings, buyrates/network subscriptions, merch sales, etc. It’s the opposite of “a rising tide lifts all boats.” Roman Reigns becomes an albatross. Another issue is the fact that there are no obvious challengers for Reigns coming out of the PPV. Triple H isn’t going to return to full-time work and neither is Lesnar. So who is Reigns’ heel challenger going to be? Are we going to have three months of Reigns vs Ryback? We’ve already seen Reigns vs Wyatt just recently. I swear if we’re stuck with Reigns vs Kane or Big Show I will murder myself. Turning him heel is more than good for him, it’s good for the company’s options. And the other problem coming out of the show has to do with Dean Ambrose. He is obviously the hot babyface the company has right now but there’s no heel feuds for him to work either. The only logical thing to do is to pit them against one another, and to do that you have to turn Roman heel. And if you really want to give him nuclear heel heat, turn him heel and bring in Eva Marie as his valet. There would be RIOTS!

Either way, turning him heel should have been done ages ago, but now we’re at a point of no return. It needs to be done now.

SO OF COURSE!

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HELL IN A CELL MATCH FOR CONTROL OF RAW

Here is the match that I think will main-event the whole show. It certainly has the story (Shane vs Vince). It has the stakes (control of Raw, and essentially a chance to reboot the whole WWE TV landscape). It has the spectacle (Hell in a Cell). It has the drama (if Undertaker loses, it’s his last WrestleMania match). It has everything you want in a WrestleMania main-event. The only question mark is whether or not Shane McMahon, at 46 years old, can do some of the death-defying stunts he was doing at 30 years old. We’ve discussed on this site some of Shane’s biggest and most insane stunts, but it needs to be remembered that those were done between 2000 and 2003. Thirteen years is a long time to go without falling off something from very high up. Shane’s not a young man anymore, and fans who are expecting him to go flying off the cell, ala Mick Foley, or—even more insanely—taking a leap off the mid-field video screen (which, come on, people, is 90 feet off the ground), are going to be disappointed. Lower your expectations. I think we’re due for a fight where Shane bumps around like a normal human being, and not like the superhuman he was fifteen years ago.

But that still leaves us with a finish. It would certainly be anticlimactic (no matter when the match happens on the card) for Undertaker to beat Shane up and then hit a tombstone for the win. Easy-Peasy. That can’t be all there is to it. They’ve hyped it up too much to go with such a bland finish. Not to mention the fact that such a finish would give Vince (by proxy) a win at WrestleMania. Vince never wins at WrestleMania. No, something must be in the works but we don’t know what, just yet. What we do know is that Shane isn’t expected to be around very much after WrestleMania, and while that might seem to indicate the finish of the match, it’s also being reported that those post-Mania plans could change and a deal could be made to bring Shane back into the fold on a more regular basis. There are a lot of rumors flying about, and a lot is still up in the air. Which is good; it makes for an exciting match when we can’t guess the outcome.

Obviously it’s not realistic…and I say that knowing we’re talking about an undead zombie mortician taking on a businessman inside a chainlink box…but it’s not realistic in terms of the world of Pro Wrestling, for Shane to get any believable false finishes on Underataker (at least, not on his own) and it’s even more crazy to imagine a scenario where Undertaker hits Shane with one of his finishing moves and Shane valiantly kicks out at two. He’s not Triple H, or CM Punk or Bray Wyatt. He’s Shane McMahon. He’s a glorified spot monkey whose role in past matches was to get tossed around and then eat a pin. But, again, you can’t do that in this match, because the storyline is so much bigger than the match. So what can we expect?

My guess? Shane wins via outside interference. Someone is coming in that cage to attack Undertaker and give Shane the win. Whether that someone is Bray Wyatt, or The Bullet Club, or John Cena himself. Someone is going to help Shane win because Shane winning is the only thing that makes sense. Giving Undertaker the win, under any conceivable circumstances, just feels too obvious. So my guess is WrestleMania goes off the air with the promise that the whole landscape of WWE is about to change.

SO OF COURSE!

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Oh well. There’s always NXT.

Here’s to Sunday!

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