Okay so if you don’t know Girl Scout Cookies you don’t know joy in life. For years the Girl Scouts of America have been selling these little boxes of sweets to neighborhoods all across the USA. Depending on what region of the country you live in you will have different flavors. For example, the Girl Scouts of New York will be selling eight different types of Girl Scout Cookies: Thin Mints, Trefoils, Do-si-dos, Samoas, Tagalongs, Savannah Smiles, Rah-Rah Raisin and Toffee-tastic. There are many more flavors to discover, but again, if you’ve never had a Girl Scout Cookie, those words are gibberish to you. So let me help my fellow wrestling fans to better understand just what these cookies are.
Here are some, in order from worst to best:
THE LEMON COOKIES (and the Orange one too)
Not content with just one lemon, the Girl Scouts have two lemon cookies. One is the traditional “Lemonade” and the other is the more tangy “Savannah Smile.” The former is just a lemon-flavored cookie while the latter is coated in powdered sugar to add extra sweetness to the mix. They really belong together because they’re really not that great to taste and they’re both lemon-flavored so there you have it. Even my wife, who likes lemon-flavored things, can only nibble on one and then say “no, it’s too much lemon.”
One can always have too much lemon.
And then there’s the so-called “Cranberry Citrus Crisps” which basically is a cranberry flavored sugar cookie with a hint of orange. It’s a weird combination of two unrelated flavors, forced together into one Frankenstein’s monster of a cookie. It’s not great. It’s not good. All it is, is distinctive.
Together the Citrus Crisps and the Lemon cookies have little in common other than being the least popular Girl Scout Cookies (henceforth “GSC”) out there. If a little trooper knocks on your door wanting to sell you GSC, you don’t say “yeah give me two boxes each of the lemon and orange ones.” No one does that. You overlook them. You forget about them. You only buy them if everything else is sold out. And even then, one nibble and you say “no, it’s too much.”
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These three represent the bottom of the women’s division barrel in WWE, though they each occupy their corner of “not good” in their own unique ways. The least offensive of the three is Lana, who has some admirable traits but mostly is just an untalented wrestler who, after all these years, has not really improved one bit in the ring. Lavey Evans is equally bland, but she has the extra sin of looking completely lost in her matches. At least Lana moves with purpose; her only problem is being so darn uninspiring. Lacey doesn’t even move with purpose; she moves like someone who doesn’t know what she’s doing, forcing her to have to be carried through each contest like every match is her first. And then there’s Nia Jax, the worst of the worst. She’s a steaming turd trifecta of boring, clunky and unsafe. No one picks up the remote, contemplates turning on WWE, and saying “boy I sure hope Nia Jax competes tonight.” And when any of these three do, unfortunately, grace the TV screen, it doesn’t take more than a few seconds before you say “no, it’s too much.”
One can always have too much Nia Jax.
THANKSALOT
What you have here is a combination-cookie, being one part shortbread and one part chocolate coating. But if you were like me as a child you took your Thanksalot and turned it upside down, eating the chocolate half and discarding the cookie half for the birds. The shortbread side of the cookie is just woefully bland. It’s not a bad cookie, and on its own, it would still be better than the lemons previously mentioned, but it would be a mediocre cookie, lacking in much of the more delicious flavors that the best GSC’s have. The chocolate on this thing, though, is to die for. It’s creamy yet firm underneath and when you chew it you don’t even swallow it, it just sorts of oozes into your gums. Put together you have a delicious underbelly that justifies purchasing a not-as-good as it should be shortbread cookie up top.
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I don’t want to be too hard on Best Friends. They’re a perfectly cromulent tag team, but when your most popular move is a hug…and not even the hug, but the camera zoom-out during the hug, and when you’re second most popular thing is the occasional cameo by your mom, that’s a sign that you probably should just be happy to cash a weekly check. On the other hand, pairing them up with Orange Cassidy brings the total package to an apathetic thumbs-up. Orange Cassidy is maybe a top three or four most important regular performers in AEW right now. That may sound crazy, but when you factor in ratings appeal, match quality, fan attraction, and merch-moving, he’s got the whole total package. I wouldn’t slot him above Mox or Kenny Omega, but he’s up there, and along with Darby Allin he’s one of the guys the company is going to lean on for many years to come. He’s good enough he makes Best Friends must-see TV. That’s saying something.
THIN MINT
It’s not a cookie for everyone as some people refuse to get on board the mint-train while they hold out for lesser, blander cookies, but for those of us who love mint, there is no better helping of it than in GSC’s thin mint. I mean it’s a chocolate cookie with a hint of mint in every bite. What’s not to love? All the haters who refuse to get past the mint part of the equation are missing out on one of the best cookies out there.
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I could have put Orange Cassidy here as well, but since he was already featured the runner-up goes to the other most polarizing performer in AEW. Listening to fans talk about Luchasaurus is like listening to Zelda fans in 2002 debate The Wind Waker. There is no middle ground; either you absolutely hate the gimmick and think it’s a mockery of pro wrestling or you think it’s too much fun to hate. And by the way, just imagine saying that out loud: “You’re making a mockery of…professional wrestling.” Let’s all try to have some perspective here; we’re talking about a carny pretend fighting show, with strong men, circus freaks, voodoo cults, fifty-year-olds in facepaint, and whatever Matt Hardy’s current character is at the moment. It’s not meant to be taken seriously. And if you think it is, I got two words for you:
THE UNDERTAKER!
No, I refuse to live in a world where we all just nod and accept an undead wizard mortician, while refusing to accept a man that thinks he’s a dinosaur is, in fact, a dinosaur. Luchasaurus’ commitment to the character is fantastic, and his in-ring work is great too. He’s fun and if you watch pro graps to have fun, well…there you go.
TRIO
Trios get their name from their “three” distinct flavors. It’s a (1) chocolate chip, (2) peanut butter cookie with (3) oatmeal mixed in. It’s delightful. It has a little of everything that is good in a cookie. Not only that but every bite brings a different taste. You might get a big chunk of peanut butter in your first go, and then a helping of oatmeal in your next before finishing it off with a delightful sampling of chocolate. It has it all; what’s not to love? And yet it’s one of the most overlooked and least-purchased cookies in the Girl Scout library. I suppose people who want peanut butter go to one of the other cookies that have a greater helping of the stuff; same with the chocolate lovers. But if you give it a chance you’ll see how great it is.
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You want a big man? He’s the strongest guy on the roster. You want a great wrestling match? He tears the house down every time he’s given the opportunity to do so. You want a unique personality? He’s got great confidence in his quiet persona (and an underrated sense of humor). And yet, Cesaro is one of the most overlooked players on the WWE roster. He just re-upped with WWE, which means he’s currently in the midst of his “no really, we’ll push you this time, just sign here” push that’ll last six weeks or so before he’s back slumming it on Main Event or whatever, but for as long as he’s on my TV screen, he’s going to command my attention, even if he never commands Vince McMahon’s.
THE RAH-RAH RAISIN
The freaking Rah-Rah-Raisin is the biggest pretender in the GSC roster. If you didn’t know what it was you’d think it was a chocolate chip cookie. The little dark chunks give a false impression to the palate and you can’t just tell your brain mid-chew that what you’re eating isn’t a chocolate chip cookie. Once you take the bite you’re stuck chewing a false idol of a cookie. The thing is, if you knew going it that it was a raisin-cookie you could prepare yourself and be alright with having a taste. It’s when it sneaks up on you and makes you think it’s something else…that’s when you have problems. It makes my mouth resent taking the bite, and that’s the last thing a cookie is supposed to do.
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I know, I know. The name is legendary, and so is his career. You know what else is legendary? The Nintendo Entertainment System. It’s legendary, but it also hasn’t been up to snuff in thirty-five years. If you told me you were going to let me play the latest and greatest video game, and then you pop in Balloon Fight NES, well…I’m sorry, but I’m going to resent it a little. Shinsuke used to be the best in the world, but for the past several years he’s been on autopilot. A lot of that is wear and tear, I know. A lot of it too is the fact that he’s not treated like the star he was in Japan so he doesn’t give the same output he did in Japan. To see him walk down the aisle, with his killer music playing, he’s got such a swagger, it’s easy to see how you can get jazzed up for him. But then the bell rings, and he starts moving like he’s wrestling in mud, in slow-motion. It makes me wish I was watching the real King of Strong Style, and not whatever watered-down version currently cashes checks in WWE.
TAGALONG
This is the ultimate. It’s not only the greatest GSC ever produced, I might go so far as to say it’s the greatest cookie in the history of mankind. It’s a peanut butter pattie covered in rich chocolate. That’s it, but that’s all it needs to be. Tagalongs are so smooth, not only in texture but also in taste, that you can eat a whole cookie in one bite. And that’s the danger here: Tagalongs are so perfect, you can eat an entire box of them before you even have time to hate yourself. If you’re looking for an anti-diet and if you just need to gain ten pounds in a week, contact your local Girl Scout troupe and order a few boxes. They are not just a cookie. They are a force of nature.
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Jon Moxley is AEW’s MVP. He’s the golden goose, moreso than Chris Jericho, moreso than Kenny Omega, moreso than Sting, or Cody, or the Young Bucks, or anyone else who is doing great work in the still-new pro wrestling group. Jon Moxley is it. He’s the perfect combination of insane anti-hero, and sarcastic, quippy regular hero. He’s like a superhero from the MCU translated to pro wrestling. His journey to this point—where he was the odd duck of the Shield trio in WWE, despite being the most consistently over of the three, then moving to AEW where he had a chance to prove himself as a company-carrying man—is downright storybook. His run with the title was hindered only by the pandemic and how Dynamite would have flourished with him as champion under normal circumstances (crowds in arenas, etc) will be one of the long-standing what-ifs to be debated for years to come. As it is, he’s proving every doubter wrong, every devotee right, and slowly helping to push AEW out of the niche and into the mainstream spotlight.
He’s their tagalong, and I hope he remains the best of the best for many years to come.
*****
So that’s the list.
Who’s hungry?
