The WWE Roster, Girl Scout Cookie edition

Okay so if you don’t know Girl Scout Cookies you don’t know joy in life. For years the Girl Scouts of America have been selling these little boxes of sweets to neighborhoods all across the USA. Depending on what region of the country you live in you will have different flavors. For example, the Girl Scouts of New York will be selling eight different types of Girl Scout Cookies: Thin Mints, Trefoils, Do-si-dos, Samoas, Tagalongs, Savannah Smiles, Rah-Rah Raisin and Toffee-tastic. There are many more flavors to discover, but again, if you’ve never had a Girl Scout Cookie, those words are gibberish to you. So let me help my fellow wrestling fans to better understand just what these cookies are.

Here are some, in order from worst to best:

THE LEMON COOKIES (and the Orange one too)

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Not content with just one lemon, the Girl Scouts have two lemon cookies. One is the traditional “Lemonade” and the other is the more tangy “Savannah Smile.” The former is just a lemon flavored cookie while the latter is coated in powdered sugar to add extra sweetness to the mix. They really belong together because they’re really not that great to taste and they’re both lemon-flavored so there you have it.

And then there’s the so-called “Cranberry Citrus Crisps” which basically is a cranberry flavored sugar cookie with a hint of orange. It’s a weird combination of two unrelated flavors, come together in one cookie. It’s not great though.

Together the Citrus Crisps and the Lemon cookies have little in common other than being the least popular Girl Scout Cookies (henceforth “GSC”) out there. If a little lady knocks on your door wanting to sell you GSC you don’t say “yeah give me two boxes each of the lemon and orange ones.” No one does that. You overlook them. You forget about them. You only buy them if everything else is sold out.

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Oh you thought I was going to say the Social Outcasts? No. The Social Outcasts are actually entertaining in a jobber-to-the-stars sort of way. The League of Nations on the other hand are lemon and orange cookies. And I’m not going to spend another 200 words explaining that. You know they are.

Except Rusev who is awesome.

THANKSALOT

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What you have here is a combination-cookie, being one part shortbread and one part chocolate coating. But if you were like me as a child you took your Thanksalot and turned it upside down, eating the chocolate part and discarding the cookie part for the birds. The shortbread side of the cookie is just woefully bland. It’s not a bad cookie, and on its own it would still be better than the lemons previously mentioned, but it would be a tiring cookie, lacking in much of the more delicious flavors that the best GSC’s have. The chocolate on this thing, though, is to die for. It’s creamy yet firm underneath and when you chew it you don’t even swallow it, it just sort of oozes into your gums. Put together you have a delicious underbelly that justifies purchasing a not-as-good as it should be shortbread cookie up top.

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As great as Y2J once was, he’s not really the sports entertainer he once was. He’s teaming with AJ Styles, and really he needs Styles way more than Styles needs him. Watching them in the ring together is like watching young Jericho tag with older Jericho. Styles may not have Y2J’s promo skills but neither does the current Chris Jericho. In the ring is where Styles shines and in the ring it’s clear Jericho has lost a step. Still, the greatness of Styles carries the team and makes them an okay tandem, even though on his own Styles would be phenomenal (no pun intended).

THIN MINT

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It’s not a cookie for everyone as some people refuse to get on board the mint-train and the hold out for better, blander cookies, but for those of us who love mint, there is no better helping of it than in GSC’s thin mint. I mean it’s a chocolate cookie with a hint of mint in every bite. What’s not to love? All the haters who refuse to get past the mint part of the equation are missing out on one of the best cookies out there.

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The Four Horsewomen of NXT and WWE represent the pinnacle of great women’s wrestling. After years of women in WWE being treated like props, with horrible storylines, bad wrestling and stereotypical characters, these four women broke the mold of what “women’s wrestling” could be. In short, it can be everything men’s wrestling can be (and more). And yet, despite all the praise they have been given the past couple years, there are still haters. There are still buck-toothed skeptics trying to undermine the divas revolution at every turn. Those who sample the future of women’s wrestling, though, find it engrossing, entertaining and something completely brilliant.

TRIO

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Trios get their name from their “three” distinct flavors. It’s a (1) chocolate chip, (2) peanut butter cookie with (3) oatmeal mixed in. It’s delightful. It has a little of everything that is good in a cookie. Not only that but every bite brings a different taste. You might get a big chunk of peanut butter in your first go, and then a helping of oatmeal in your next before finishing it off with a delightful bite of chocolate. It has it all; what’s not to love? And yet it’s one of the most-overlooked and least-purchased cookies in the Girl Scout library. I suppose people who want peanut butter go to one of the other cookies that has a greater helping of the stuff; same with the chocolate lovers. But if you give it a chance you’ll see how great it is.

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You want a big man? He’s the strongest guy on the roster. You want a great wrestling match? He tears the house down every time he’s given the time to do so. You want a unique personality? He’s got great confidence in his quiet persona. And yet, Cesaro is one of the most overlooked players on the WWE roster. I know he’s injured right now, but before he was hurt he was floating aimlessly in the midcard with Vince refusing to pull the trigger on him. Do it Vince. Pull the trigger. Stop passing over him for the other flavors of the month.

THE RAH-RAH RAISIN

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The freaking Rah-Rah-Raisin is the biggest pretender in the GSC roster. If you didn’t know what it was you’d think it was a chocolate chip cookie. The little dark chunks give a false impression to the palate and you can’t just tell your brain mid-chew that what you’re eating isn’t a chocolate chip cookie. Once you take the bite you’re stuck chewing a false idol of a cookie. The thing is, if you knew going it that it’s a raisin-cookie you can prepare yourself and be alright with having a taste. It’s when it sneaks up on you and makes you think it’s something else that you have problems. It makes my mouth resent taking the bite, and that’s the last thing a cookie is supposed to do.

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From a distance Roman Reigns looks like a superstar. He looks exactly like the kind of “face of the company” Vince would have if he could build one in a lab. And at times, Roman is perfectly acceptable. But those are the times when he’s not being pushed too much too soon. When that happens, fans get all turned off. The worst comes when fans get excited about someone else—Daniel Bryan last year, Dean Ambrose this year—and WWE looks like they might go with “our” guy (such as when Bryan got a #1 contenders match at Fastlane last year, and Ambrose getting a title match at Roadblock this year) but they just go “nerp” and switch our hero out for Roman Reigns. It doesn’t work and it makes fans resent him every time.

SAMOAS

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The perfect mixture of coconut, caramel and chocolate, Samoas are the best GSC for many of its fans. The balancing act done in this cookie is remarkable, as no bite is too overpowered with one flavor over another. You get the perfect blend of three perfectly-blended ingredients every time you munch-munch on one. But while some can eat a container in a day, personally I find its appeal is only good in small doses. There’s something about them that makes them only work for me if I have no more than two or three. Any more than that and my stomach says “no more” to the coconut. Still it’s a fantastic cookie and is rightly one of the Girl Scout’s best sellers.

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Dean Ambrose is crazy. That’s his character, at least. And the way his character “plays” on any given Monday determines how far I am willing to take my support of him. When he’s losing matches via exploding TV, I’m not on board. When he’s crawling to the ring to eat another F5, all the while laughing maniacally, then you have me won over. I guess what I’m saying is, too much “Dean Ambrose: crazy idiot” leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But when the booking is more measured and the character restrained a tad, then I see the appeal and I understand why many fans prefer him to Roman Reigns as the next face of the company.

TAGALONG

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This is the ultimate. It’s not only the greatest GSC ever produced, I might go so far as to say it’s the greatest cookie in the history of mankind. It’s a peanut butter pattie covered in rich chocolate. They are so smooth, not only in texture but also in taste, that you can eat a whole cookie in one bite. And that’s the danger here: Tagalongs are so perfect, you can eat an entire box of them before you even have time to hate yourself. If you’re looking for an anti-diet and if you just need to gain ten pounds in a week, contact your local Girl Scout troupe and order a few boxes. They are not just a cookie. They are a force of nature.

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Brock Lesnar is the Tagalong of WWE superstars. He is a force of nature. He is a whirlwind that tears through entire rosters as easily as he does sole determined challengers. He’s a part-timer, which is what Tagalongs need to be for my health. If I got to watch Brock every Monday I would probably OD on awesomeness. He’s the number one best thing going and there is no near-second.

~~~

So that’s the list.

Who’s hungry?

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