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    What if the WWE and AEW rosters were ice cream flavors!

    By Matthew Martin
    | June 10, 2020
    AEW, WWE Blogs

    *checks window*

    Yep, still nothin.

    COVID-19Mania is still running wild which means everyone able to stay home is staying home. It’s not unheard of for people to go a little stir-crazy while in quarantine, but for my part, I’m doing okay. I’m keeping isolated and busy and, so far, I don’t think I’ve lost my wits one iota.

    WHAT IF THE WWE AND AEW ROSTERS

    WERE FLAVORS OF ICE CREAM?!

    Rock Ice Cream

    There are a lot of superstars out there, but you know what? There are a lot of ice cream flavors out there too. What if…I mean just what if, what if someone like, combined those two truths into one concept? What if the WWE and AEW rosters could be paired up with an appropriate ice cream variant? What might we learn from such a concept? What secrets might be unlocked? I don’t know. You don’t know. We might end up wasting the next five minutes of our day, or we might accidentally stumble upon the mysteries of the universe itself. We can’t not do this, I’m telling you.

    So let’s do it!

    AJ STYLES = COOKIES AND CREAM

    AJ Styles Cookies And Cream Cartoon Illustration

    It looks like it should be great, but it’s always a little underwhelming. Here’s the thing: Cookies and cream ice cream is basically vanilla ice cream with Oreos, except the Oreos are mixed into the ice cream at the factory and shipped to the store, then kept in your freezer until you finally pop the top and have a bite. By the time you eat it, the cookies are soft and chewy, lacking the snappy bite of a fresh oreo cookie. You might eat it and say to yourself: “I can tell this used to be the best in the world but now it’s just a bit past its peak.”

    UNDERTAKER = SNICKERDOODLE

    The Undertaker Snickerdoodle Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    This is your grandma’s ice cream, based on your grandma’s cookies. What even is snickerdoodle? The interwebs tell me the flavor is derived from cinnamon and sugar, which is the best combo in the world. When you’re a kid you sprinkle that stuff on cereal. When you’re an adult, a pinch on some toast is *m’wah* but in the end, it’s purely a nostalgia flavor. As a kid, you can eat it every day, but later on, you’ll be happy just to have it once or twice a year.

    THE FIEND = TUTTI FRUTTI

    The Fiend Bray Wyatt Tutti Frutti Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    It’s ice cream with fruit in it. On paper, it sounds like a massive disappointment. And yet, when you eat it, you’re pleasantly surprised. Too much of it and you’ll be sick, though.

    GOLDBERG = CHARCOAL ICE CREAM

    Goldberg Charcoal Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    It’s a con. The theory goes that by eating ice cream infused with activated charcoal, your body “detoxes” and “purifies” you from whatever pretend stuff the people who use the word “detox” think is in your body. In truth, it’s just ice cream, not very good ice cream, ugly looking ice cream, and ice cream that can convince rubes that it might actually be good, when in fact, it’s not.

    BRAUN STROWMAN = CHERRY

    Braun Strowman Cherry Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    Look at it. You’d think it was strawberry. Who doesn’t love strawberry ice cream?! You take a bite, expecting to taste strawberry and…alas, cherry.

    ROMAN REIGNS = GREEN TEA

    Roman Reigns Green Tea Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    An acquired taste that proponents insist on making you try even when you’re not feeling it. Stop trying to make Green Tea the new chocolate-chip. It’s not going to happen. It’s a novelty. Keep it as such.

    SETH ROLLINS = NEAPOLITAN

    Seth Rollins Neapolitan Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    All three flavors are nice, but there’s not enough of any of them in the carton to be satisfied. You end up really starting to like one flavor only to run out and have to switch to another before you were ready. Rarely does it disappoint…and yet it always kind of disappoints.

    DREW MCINTYRE = MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP

    Drew McIntyre Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    It’s been around a long time, beloved under the radar, and occasionally gets promoted to top tier status, where it’s loved for a short time before everyone forgets about it again.

    BROCK LESNAR = STRAWBERRY

    Brock Lesnar Strawberry Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    It’s not cherry, I tell ya that. It’s not the kind of ice cream you eat every night, but once every few months, you have a bowl and you’re never disappointed.

    EDGE = BUTTERFINGER

    Edge Brood Butterfinger Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    *Just imagine The Brood theme music playing…*

    You loved it as a kid, stopped eating it because “it’s a kid’s ice cream,” then tried it again on a lark. Surprise: It’s still awesome.

    RANDY ORTON = VANILLA

    Randy Orton Vanilla Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    I mean, obviously.

    BECKY LYNCH = ROCKY ROAD

    Becky Lynch Rocky Road Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    The perfect ice cream when you’re looking for a mixture of flavors. You got chocolate; everyone loves chocolate. You got marshmallow; a classic. You got nuts; great things, those nuts. Now you put them together and you got something rich, something chewy, something with texture variety. It’s delightful.

    SHAYNA BASZLER = CHOCOLATE CHUNK

    Shayna Baszler Chocolate Chunk Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    The opposite of rocky road. It’s chocolate, which is good…with chocolate chunks mixed in. The problem is, the chunks are hard and make a scary *pop* sound when your teeth bite through them. It’s a good idea on paper but it never quite comes together the way rocky road does.

    CODY RHODES = BUTTER PECAN

    Cody Rhodes Butter Pecan Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    It’s the ice cream you’d never think would be good till you ate it.

    KENNY OMEGA = VANILLA WITH OREOS

    Kenny Omega Vanilla Oreos Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    Everything cookies and cream wishes it was. The Oreos are fresh. That’s it. That’s all the difference.

    CHRIS JERICHO = CHOCOLATE

    Chris Jericho Chocolate Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    The staple. The classic. The old favorite. Chocolate ice cream has been the best from the moment you first ate ice cream as a wee lad. Thirty+ years later and it’s still the best. Three-hundred years from now it will still be the best. It’s cholate ice cream. It’s the evergreen.

    ORANGE CASSIDY = HOMEMADE VANILLA

    Orange Cassidy Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    It doesn’t look like much but then you eat it and you realize you’re dealing with something lovingly and carefully crafted. This isn’t some cheap, manufactured “okayness” ice cream. This took time to get right.

    MATT HARDY = SNOW ICE CREAM

    Matt Hardy Snow Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    You will never not enjoy it, but you’ll only get the chance when the stars align and everything around it makes it happen.

    SAMMY GUEVARA = COFFEE

    Sammy Guevara Coffee Ice Cream Cartoon Iilustration

    Everyone says they hate it. Everyone secretly loves it.

    HANGMAN ADAM PAGE = PEANUT BUTTER SWIRL

    Adam Page Peanut Butter Swirl Ice Cream Cartoon Illustration

    Yes, but have you actually tried it? You should totally try this. It’s like freshness and nostalgia all in one. It’s wonderful.

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    InstaGlamD
    InstaGlam
    1 year ago

    This was great! You’ve got me in stitches. Maybe it’s because I’m from the UK but I haven’t heard of many of these flavours. What about MJF and Darby Allin? What would they be?

    1
    Reply
    The_OddsD
    The_Odds
    1 year ago
    Reply to  InstaGlam

    MJF would be whatever ice cream had gold flakes in it – I’m sure there’s one out there somewhere. Darby would be Ben and Jerry’s Fish Food. He seems like a Ben and Jerry’s kind of bloke and that variety is both dark and sweet like him.

    0
    Reply
    ThatcherD
    Thatcher
    1 year ago

    I remember when AJ Styles entered for the first time and the camera cut to Roman Reigns in the ring who looked utterly confused once AJ’s music started playing. AJ came marching in and it was fantastic.  AJ was supposed to be the next big thing; now I wonder if he ever ponders where it all went wrong. 

    0
    Reply
    The_OddsD
    The_Odds
    1 year ago
    Reply to  Thatcher

    I remember that! He was such a big deal on Impact. I think he’s seen some success as a member of the WWE roster, but it’s probably not gone the way he first imagined it would.

    0
    Reply
    loebD
    loeb
    1 year ago

    Such a creative way to look at it; no doubt, you haven’t lost an iota of your wits. You have no idea how I skimmed through to see what Randy Orton gets, and your choice didn’t disappoint. Now I need some ice cream!

    0
    Reply
    OgmoreD
    Ogmore
    2 years ago

    These comparisons are so witty that the article got me to sign up to Disqus just because I HAD to comment. You have Seth Rollins, Randy Orton, Shayna Baszler, and Chris Jericho down perfectly. I appreciate the different distinctions of vanilla flavors. Those are perfect too, as it’s not hard to see that AEW’s roster holds the newer, cooler, more distinct flavors of vanilla whereas the WWE is still the same generic vanilla.  

    0
    Reply
    BostonAustinD
    BostonAustin
    2 years ago

    I have no idea what gave you the inspiration for the comparison idea, but this article is fantastic! One of my favorites! You captured Roman Reigns, Randy Orton, Seth Rollins, and Matt Hardy perfectly. The artwork is on point too.

    0
    Reply
    Snarky-GuruD
    Snarky-Guru
    2 years ago

    Oh, major burn with the cookies and cream versus vanilla with Oreos! AJ will be feeling that for days, especially since it’s so true. I’ve got to bookmark this write-up. It’s that good!

    0
    Reply
    SilverD
    Silver
    2 years ago

    I KNEW you were going to pick vanilla for Randy Orton because that’s exactly what fits. Perfect call on that one! I disagree about The Undertaker though. He’s chocolate. You can call on him for any match and he’ll give a good performance. He might not take bumps like he used to, but he’ll sell it and draw a crowd. You can count on The Undertaker to show you a good time, just like you can count on chocolate ice cream to be satisfying, if not adventurous.

    0
    Reply
    OgmoreD
    Ogmore
    2 years ago
    Reply to  Silver

    I have a bit of a soft spot for The Undertaker myself and I think it’s important to recognize how long he’s been in the game because the fans want him there. Snikerdoodle tastes just fine. Randy Orton as vanilla, yeah, I knew that one was coming!

    1
    Reply
    ThatcherD
    Thatcher
    1 year ago
    Reply to  Ogmore

    I see Taker as death by chocolate, mostly for the “death” factor. I think he nailed Randy Orton though. It doesn’t matter whether he’s a heel or a face, he’s such a vanilla bro. I like his second theme, but I don’t think it suits him. He’s just not that wild.

    0
    Reply
    Shakiraaa
    Shakiraaa
    2 years ago

    Anyone want any ice cream? I would go for snickerdoodle or chocolate. Call me old fashioned and boring. I’m a fan of the old faithfuls! Thanks for the good read though.

    0
    Reply
    EvieD
    Evie
    2 years ago

    I enjoyed this too but it made me want ice cream. I do disagree with a few. Undertaker as snickerdoodle, funny stuff. He has been around for a while, but he is still a favorite of mine.

    0
    Reply
    ShelbiiD
    Shelbii
    2 years ago

    Now this is comical! Rocky Road because it sounds better on paper! Chris Jericho is the perfect chocolate! I would have to say that I like strawberry better than cherry though!

    0
    Reply

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