In this day and age, you can’t just “predict” a PPV anymore, you have to account for the capricious whims of WWE’s septuagenarian, sleep-deprived egomaniac owner. You can’t just “preview” a PPV…you have to preview how things should go, in a reasonable and sane world, and then add “so of course…” and explain what Vince McMahon will probably do instead.
Last time on SO OF COURSE, it was…
Well, technically it was another Saudi Sausage Party but no one wanted it, no one watched it, no one remembers it. Forget I said anything.
If you’re just joining us WWE has had a biiiiiit of a rough go since WrestleMania.
*deep breath*
Ratings are in the dumps, especially in comparison to last year (week to week they’re down about 250k viewers on a good night), the program is stagnant, championships are meaningless, there are no legitimate main-event title contenders, the Monday night show is such a three-hour bore I can’t even sit through a 2k word recap online much less devote half my evening to it, and Smackdown—which used to be “the good one”—has become “Raw but without the third hour of death,” which means it’s still the better show but now has so much of Vince McMahon’s fingerprints on it, it’s not worth watching anymore either.
*exhale*
So now we come to yet another PPV, set-up by yet another four weeks of boring television, featuring a handful of matches no one cares about, a handful of title defenses that all feel stale, and a handful of hours no one honestly should waste their time devoting to it.
Who’s excited? Put your hand down, you are not.
THIS is your SO OF COURSE preview of WWE STOMPING OUT THE LAST LITTLE SPARK OF ENTHUSIASM FROM THE WWE FANBASE
GROUNDS, 2019!
On to the show…
NEW DAY vs KO/ZAYN
What is this again? It’s two-thirds of the New Day, taking on a team up of guys good enough to be main-eventing if anyone in WWE’s “creative” department had any creativity.
What’s wrong with it? Nothing, it’s fine. It’ll be fun but will probably end with either Sami Zayn eating a pin or in some kind of a smoz. Either way, you’ll forget about it after an hour, which is probably the intent anyway.
Who should win? KO and Zayn, if only to set up the following punchline…
SO OF COURSE!
BAYLEY vs ALEXA BLISS
What is this again? It’s a women’s title match featuring a Bayley who seems finally to have found her stride on the main-roster, and Alexa Bliss who, despite being steadily pushed, remains a bit underrated.
What’s wrong with it? It’s a bit “been there, done that.” Underrated or not there are a ton of ladies not being featured on WWE programming. Hopefully, Bayley disposes of Alexa and then gets down to business handling a flurry of new, fresh challengers.
Who should win? Bayley because it would be beyond idiotic to put the brakes on her when she’s finally clicking on the main-roster.
SO OF COURSE!
SAMOA JOE vs RICOCHET
What is this again? It’s the match of the night on a terrible card.
What’s wrong with it? Nothing, it’s Samoa Joe vs Ricochet. The only way this would disappoint is if it’s given five minutes and slotted after a main-event caliber match.
Who should win? Joe, but only because we need a dominant heel champion somewhere in the company. Ricochet can look strong in defeat and move on to something else worthwhile; keep Joe hot.
SO OF COURSE!
ROMAN REIGNS vs DREW McINTYRE
What is this again? It’s Roman Reigns vs Drew McIntyre. Again.
What’s wrong with it? It’s the same match you’ve seen way too many times, once more being done with nothing on the line, watering down the inevitable time when they will lock up in a match with actual stakes.
Who should win? Drew, and I’m not just saying that because “herp derp Roman” but because Drew can be a main-event level heel to help carry the company but never will be if they keep having him lose big matches.
SO OF COURSE!
DANIEL BRYAN & ROWAN vs HEAVY MACHINERY
What is this again? When did Eric Rowan just become “Rowan?” Is that new?
What’s wrong with it? I’ll never not love a Daniel Bryan match, but this feels like a waste of his time and talents. Heavy Machinery are a comedy team more than anything. That’s not to say they couldn’t be something greater, but…well you know how WWE “creative” is.
Who should win? Heavy Machinery, if only to get Daniel Bryan moved back into the title picture…any title picture. Bryan vs Joe for the US title would be a fun SummerSlam program, no?
SO OF COURSE!
KOFI KINGSTON vs DOLPH ZIGGLER
What is this again? It’s last month’s match, now in a cage.
What’s wrong with it? It’s last month’s match, which means it’s Dolph Ziggler in the title picture again.
Who should win? The real question is can WWE find some talent in their main-event heel roster to give Kofi a worthwhile challenge for SummerSlam? Because Dolph Ziggler has as much chance of dethroning Kofi Kingston on this show as Cody Rhodes.
SO OF COURSE!
BECKY LYNCH vs LACEY EVANS
What is this again? It’s Becky vs Lacey…again.
What’s wrong with it? Nothing I guess except Lacey is about a year away from being able to handle a match of this magnitude.
Who should win? Don’t be stupid.
SO OF COURSE!
SETH ROLLINS vs BARON CORBIN
What is this again? Somehow, remarkably, the main-event.
What’s wrong with it? Well, it’s got Baron Corbin in it, that’s enough I think.
Who should win? It’s not enough just to say “Seth should win.” I need also to point out how stupid it would be for Baron Corbin to win just for Brock Lesnar (almost certainly to be the guest ref in the match) to cash-in and take the title, giving Corbin a world title check-mark beside his name and setting the stage for another year-long Brock Lesnar championship run. Talk about a double-whammy of suck.
Because who isn’t jazzed about seeing Brock Lesnar occasionally appear on WWE TV while standing next to Paul Heyman holding the meat-colored belt? I know I’ve been pining for two out of the last three years to make a comeback.
SO OF COURSE!
Oh well, there’s always NXT.
Here’s to Sunday.
Bonus: A few performers that WWE couldn’t figure out a place for on this card that featured Baron Corbin and Dolph Ziggler and Heavy Machinery…
1. Finn Balor
2. AJ Styles
3. The Revival
4. Kairi Sane and Asuka
5. Aleister Black
6. Cesaro
7. Chad Gable
8. Elias
9. Buddy Murphy
10. Shinsuke Nakamura
