Goddammit WWE, it’s only been 3 weeks. Again. I can barely muster up the power to hilariously rhyme things with hell and cell in this article…wait, what’s that? They’re purposely stopping people from saying “Hell in a Cell” and getting them to refer to matches as taking place “inside the cell structure”?! What the hell does biology have to do with wrestling?!
Jeez, who’s booking WWE’s PPV schedule this year? Dana White? This is the 4th PPV in a row to only have a 3 week gap preceding it. With everything that’s been happening on the shows, I’ve honestly been having trouble keeping up. The Authority angle has spread company wide, even stretching as far as NXT, meaning that there’s a whole lot of wrestling I have to watch each week to keep up with the story. Luckily for WWE they’re doing a helluva job keeping this story interesting and rolling along in the right direction. So without further ado, let’s take a look at the what we might expect to happen on our next thrilling instalment…
Kick-Off Show WWE Intercontinental Title Match
Curtis Axel © vs. Big E. Langston
YES!! Big E looks like he’s going back to his NXT gimmick! This pleases me greatly, and it should please you too. If you didn’t have chance to watch Big E resurrecting the old King Kong Bundy 5 count gimmick then you’ve really missed out. It’s been a while since WWE kinda messed up the initial Ryback push, so it’s probably about time they had another go at making a monster babyface and I can’t think of anyone more suited right now than Big E. He’s already proven that he’s quite an eloquent and funny hand on the mic, which could quite easily see him develop into a naturally likeable a*s-kicker. Big E on a rampage and assisting the fight against the Authority could be the start of “big” things for the rookie.
And then there’s Axel. It’s not even as if I hate him. In fact, I nothing him. He brings out no feelings either way, I just kinda wish he’d go away and let someone else have the IC strap, as he’s boring as all balls right now. He’s had months of time to hone his craft, develop a personality and try to make some kind of connection with the crowd. And (somewhat unfortunately) he’s failed miserably. I know usually I can at least offer up some thoughts on how WWE could potentially improve on a situation, but I can’t think of anything for Axel. They’ve given him the IC Title, Paul Heyman as a manager, and still he can’t make any kind of impact. I think it’s time for them to cut their losses and allow the IC Title to move on to someone who could do something positive with it.
Actually, speaking of “Impact”, maybe that’s the best place to send Axel? No actually, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy!
Who I want to win: Big E. Let’s get the IC strap on someone potentially worth a damn.
Who I think will win: Big E. Even WWE have to realise that Axel is a lame duck? Right?
WWE Divas Championship Match
AJ Lee © vs. Brie Bella
So it looks like the Brie Bella push just isn’t catching on with the crowd properly. Hmmm. Although, haven’t the Bellas been heel pretty much ever since their debut? That’s a lot of years of booing to get past for the audience, and WWE can’t expect that to happen just overnight. Plus you’re trying to turn her face against AJ, who gets pops from the crowd just for being straight up crazy. If WWE are serious about getting Brie over, then they need to remove AJ from the equation for a little while as I can’t see the more vocal element of the crowd cheering for Brie over AJ any time soon.
Personally I think they’d get a much better result from letting Brie slap around someone like Aksana to look strong (although she will have improve her offence, especially that running knee she’s started doing), before letting her loose on Tamina to get her revenge. Then move her onto AJ, after giving her sufficient time to build up a bit of a following.
And how about AJ? Well her main problem at the moment seems to be a lack of a definitive challenger for her title. Kaitlyn appears to have dropped off the map, Nattie’s being used as Khali’s valet more than anything, and…well…that’s it. You know what we need? AJ vs. Paige. Now that’s a feud I’d like to see. Make it happen, WWE.
Who I want to win: AJ I reckon. Even if Brie did win, I don’t think it’d have the desired effect of getting her over like WWE would like.
Who I think will win: AJ. Brie’s not ready, she isn’t getting the crowd reaction, and I’m sure WWE know that.
WWE Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Match
Cody Rhodes & Goldust © vs. The Usos vs. Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns
Oh them Rhodes boys. I’ve loved, loved, LOVED the whole arc with the Authority beasting the Rhodes family, and Cody and Goldust winning the Tag Titles was a spectacular Raw main event. It just goes to show that WWE can book really well when they want to, and they can create a new babyface when they apply themselves. That’s not to sell Cody (or Goldust) short. The Rhodes’ have worked their as*es off over the last few weeks, and the hard work is really starting to pay off.
I’ve also got to give props to how this match has come around. I love that The Usos have been shouting about them being the legitimate number one contenders. That’s how it should work. If someone jumped a queue in front of you, you’d not be best pleased, would you? Plus, this all makes the tag titles look important, which is something that doesn’t happen very often at all.
There’s not a lot to say about this. All 3 teams are fantastic recently, all of them putting in some show-stopping performances over the last few weeks (or even months). Personally this is my pick for the match of the night. The Shield are gonna want their titles back, the Rhodes’ aren’t going to want to relinquish them, and the Usos are gonna make sure they’re never forgotten about again. It should be great!
Who I want to win: Hmmm. I dunno? I’d actually be perfectly happy with any of these three teams leaving Hell in a Cell with the titles.
Who I think will win: We could have potential shenanigans here. A lot of potential shenanigans. I don’t know why exactly, but I can’t shake the feeling that The Shield are going to capitalise on things breaking down between the Rhodes and the Usos. I think the Shield could be leaving with the straps.
Handicap Hell in a Cell Match
CM Punk vs. Ryback & Paul Heyman
So here’s something that might shock you. I hope this feud ends tonight, because truth be told I’m getting a tiny wee bit bored of it. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some nefarious Paul Heyman, and CM Punk is still (and always will be) my guy, but I’d really quite like to see them both move on to something different now please.
There’s nothing wrong with the angle as such, it’s been really entertaining in places, but it just feels like tonight should be a natural place for this to all come to an end. Where do you go from a Hell-in-a-Cell-Structure-Match-Inside-the-Cell-Structure-Match (did I get that right, WWE?) anyways? Surely the feud has to end tonight? Right?
To be honest, this is mainly because I can’t wait to see how Punk fits into the Authority storyline. So far he’s actually benefited from some of their decisions (mainly because of Triple H trolling Heyman), but it’s only a matter of time before the interests of Punk and the Authority clash and I can’t wait. It’s finally time for the epic tale of CM Punk to come full circle, right back to that initial pipebomb, the only difference being that the “idiotic daughter and doofus son in law” of Vince McMahon are now in charge. Punk’s initial fears are realised and it’s a perfect time for the Voice of the Voiceless to join the good fight.
So if tonight is the blow-off for this feud, then expect something big. You’ve got to believe that Punk and Heyman have something up their sleeves to ensure this feud goes out with a bang rather than a whimper. Even if Ryback is involved. Goddamn Ryback. The only concern I have is that after months of Punk looking to get his hands on Heyman a straight pinfall or submission would be an anti-climax to the match. I don’t know what’s gonna happen tonight, but if it is a feud ender, then I kinda fear for what Heyman is gonna have to do…
Oh, and if Michael Cole tries to call “Hell in a Shellshock” at any point I may well explode with rage.
Who I want to win: Do you even need to ask at this point? Ryback! Ha, just kidding. Punk, of course.
Who I think will win: It’s gotta be Punk. Surely.
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena
Oh shit y’all!! John Cena is back MONTHS ahead of schedule. HOW?!?!
I’m gonna let you all in on my theory. I think this is John Cena clone number 17 that they’re on right now. The original John Cena died after being stabbed in the kidney by Jesus in a nightclub (remember that?!), only to be cloned after intensive research over those next few months and returned to active service in the WWE. Ever since then they’ve kept a legion of cloned John Cena’s in a set of huge vats in the basement of Titan Towers. Every time “Cena” gets “injured” they crack the tube on a new clone and the two month hiatus is so it can grow it’s hair and fingernails and stuff in. John Hancock is pretty sure it’s like the Prestige where the new Cena is born to the sight of the last one drowning.
Well however it happened, apparently John Cena is back and thrust straight into a WHC match against Alberto Del Rio. A man renowned for messing yo’ arm up. I’m starting to smell shenanigans up in this bizzle. What if this is just one huge hope spot? The Authority dangling the carrot of hope in front of fans faces, before snatching it away at the last moment?
Go with me on this. Vicky arranges this match for John Cena to return (early) from injury against a man who has already shown that he is loyal to the Authority with his willingness to jump Daniel Bryan for HHH. Wat if this whole situation is a setup stemming from Trippers to get Cena in the ring with Del Rio and allow him to destroy Cena’s arm putting him out again?
The kids are already hyped that John Cena’s coming back to save us all from the big bad Authority. Imagine how gutted they’re gonna be if Del Rio destroys Cena all on the order of Triple H and Steph? I’m not saying that is the direction they’re gonna take, but if they did decide to go down that route, I’d be all for it. Plus what better way to get Del Rio some heat. Well, from the kids at least anyways, I imagine most of the 18-35 demographic would be cheering him on!
Who I want to win: Cena. By Disqualification. Because Del Rio won’t release the Armbreaker.
Who I think will win: I’m hoping it’s Del Rio, but if Cena’s sticking around then you’ve got to think it’s him. Again. Unless they maybe turn Cena to the authority thinking he’s doing what’s best for business? DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUHHHHHH!!
Hell in a Cell WWE Championship Match
Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan (Special Guest Referee Shawn Michaels)
Well this is on to a winner with me immediately for them acknowledging Shawn Michaels training connection to the then Bryan Danielson. And showing loads of old footage of him on WWE.com. In fact WWE have done a great job of hyping the entire match for me. Even Bob Backlund coming out and screaming at the crowd to vote for him brought a smile to my face. Bob’s so crazy.
But yeah, the last few weeks of Orton returning to his maniacal best as he’s consumed entirely in his hunt for the WWE Title have been great. Daniel Bryan has been working out of his skin in every match still (how he keeps this pace up is beyond me), and the crowd still love him for it. This has really shaped into a brilliant hero vs. villain piece, with both men holding up their end of the bargain beautifully.
So I’m genuinely hyped for tonight. D Bryan going all out inside the cell? Yes please. Even throwing in HBK as the referee adds to the match. Is Michaels going to side with his former student, or support his best friend’s business decision? Or will ol’ HBK call it straight down the middle? Either way he says we’re ending tonight with a champion, and you can bet it’s gonna be one hell of a war to find out who gets to hold that desired strap.
Who I want to win: Surprisingly, Orton. Bryan’s looking great in pursuit of the title, and I’m expecting this to draw out all the way through the Rumble and on to WrestleMania. I’m thinking HBK screws Bryan and they say this was his last chance at the title, no rematches, he’s done. Until he wins the rumble, anyways. 😉
Who I think will win: I can’t shake the feeling that Michaels is gonna help HHH, whether on purpose or inadvertently in some capacity. I think Orton’s gonna end the show with the title, by hook or by crook.
And there we have it another (not quite a) month, another (not quite an) article done and dusted. But who do you think is leaving tonight as the big winners? Got a differing opinion to mine? The post away below good people, all comments are welcome here!
Until next time, enjoy the show!!