The Redman Report: WWE Hell in a Cell 2011

So, Hell in a Cell. HELL in a Cell. Hell in a CELL. Hellish Helling Hell in a a Hellish Helling Cell. How many Hells could a Celling Hell Cell if a Helling Cell could Hell Cell? Whichever way you look at it, its going to be…Hell. In a Cell. Yep. Hell in a Cell.

So as it turns out I accidentally slept in this morning and missed the first 15 odd minutes of the show. Meaning the first Awesome Truth angle and most of Sheamus vs Christian. I did see the last couple minutes, however, and what I saw was really good, all of those counters leading up to Christian running into the BOOT.

The Caras, well, this ought to be…something. Well, actually, it turned out to suck quite a bit. Well, I dont know, it was OK, they did some cool spots, but the crowd DIED on them and the entire thing felt devoid of feeling. This is what happens when you book such a convoluted, ambiguous feud – if nobody knows what is going on, nobody is going to care. Booker T being a moron during this didnt help either, first claiming that Cara II was the original, and then later telling them to stop doing lucha moves and have a real fight. I love you Book, but wow, no. So all in all, a disappointment. However, the wacky Code Red thing for the finish was pretty cool.

The irony of CM Punk being the one to deliver a Vince McMahon’s Political Opinions segment sure is something.

Wahey, a Bonus Unannounced Tag Title match. Kofi and Swagger! The Feud of the Century continues. This was a hell of a tag team match actually. Air Boom are now bringing it, dripping with babyfaceness and busting out cool double teams, like the Poetry in Motion Superman Punch, and the assisted ‘rana. The Vickie Team were also great, bumping around like mad, looking good on offense, and working the ref like a good heel team should. And the finish was freaking SPECTACULAR. Bourne hits the big Frankensteiner off the top, Dolph is standing RIGHT THERE but Kofi takes him at EXACTLY the right moment and he cant make the save. That was awesome. Thoroughly enjoyed.

And we go from one great tag team to another: Mark Henry & His Videos. Word of warning: I loved pretty much everything about this match. At the bell Orton realises he has to do something special so he immediately jumps on the guy and has him into the Cell within the first minute or so. But Henry finally takes over and just beats this guy’s ass. The Brock Cell, Cell, Ringpost ramming thing he did was awesome. TOSSING the stairs at Randy was also great. Even those powerslams looked pretty brutal, especially the one on the outside. Henry just beat the CRAP out of Orton, who, to his full credit, was selling like a motherf*cker. Reminded me of when he used to be the World’s Best Seller.

My favourite thing about the body of this match was how utterly simple it was. Its 2011, they’re not going to go balls-out and have an Attitude Era HIAC with plunder, blood and mayhem. Instead they almost went the complete opposite direction, and had the most simple match in the world. Fighting babyface locked inside cage with giant monster heel. This was basically an old school cage match, just without the blood. And it was so effective because of it. The other people I have to praise are commentary, honestly, because they did a fantastic job calling this match, getting over this entire idea, and making what were pretty basic moves – like, a powerslam – seem like the most brutal destruction ever. So an extraordinarily tame HIAC with no weapons or blood ended up seeming sufficiently violent, just through the work itself and the story told. That is something.

AND THEN THE FINISH. My God in Heaven. Orton hadnt been able to hit the RKO on Henry the entire feud. He couldnt hit it in the first match, and he lost. On the go-home, he FINALLY hit him with an RKO, convincing himself and everyone else that if he could just hit the RKO during the match, he could win. So Orton takes this brutal beating but he makes his comeback, hits all his spots, and NAILS the RKO…but Henry KICKED OUT. Oh. Sh*t. Orton, to his credit, quickly realises he has another weapon, the most lethal move in the biz: The Punt, and that HAS TO work. But he takes too long because BAM WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM BITCHES. Ball game. I would marry this finish if I could. A wonderfully perfect piece of storytelling.

Even the post match made total sense. Henry won but he’s thinking that he said he’d injure Orton, and he didnt do that, so what the hell, its Chair Time. I first thought this was for a Hall of Pain alumnus run in, but Orton made his own save, and is all “You want to injure me with that sh*t? F*ck YOU motherf*cker!” and chairs the hell out of him. So we have fuel for a final blow off which, lets be honest, Henry should really, REALLY win. But I have to say, if Orton finally pins the monster by hitting the only move that could ever possibly stop him, The Punt, I probably wont mind too much because that would be a perfect end to the story arc.

I love pro wrestling.

And now we get Cody! Bringing back the old school IC Title belt is actually a cool little deal. The white strap makes it stand out quite a lot. I like the continuation of the ‘Hunter screws with Cody’ angle. It makes Hunter look like a douche, but hey, that ship has sailed. LOL, Morrison. This match was actually a fun little one, but it was hard to concentrate on it when we have COLE SCREAMING ABOUT STUFF. He was astoundingly well behaved this whole show, but he went off the rails here. I did love Cody wrapping himself around the ring post trying to get counted out. Genius. Finish seemed soft, but I’m glad Cody ended up looking even stronger by winning another impromptu match. They’ve been doing a lot with him lately, and he’s looking great.

Aha, I was almost about to say, when Ace made his annoucement I thought it would be funny if it wasnt actually Hunter’s word, and turns out I was right. Huh. I love Ace’s evil heel genius of screwing with his heel pals by pretending Hunter is screwing with them so they will hate Hunter more. And more Awesome Truth shenanigans, because I guess if they’ve been kicked out twice, they SURELY cant come back later, right? Right?

Da Boobs! My new favourite thing about the Boobs is that they seem to be completely in love with each other. The mind races. I love it how Kelly Kelly defiantly holds her belt so high up in the air, Cena-in-enemy-territory style. And this was another great match to add to their collection. Love the open where Beth tries to bully Kelly and she starts THROWING DOWN in response. Some cool spots in this, like Beth turning the Kelly ‘rana into a backbreaker. Kelly’s rollup spots were perfectly timed as well; the whole story of their matches has been Kelly’s rollups, so whenever she landed one I held my breath. Then we get shenanigans with Nattie TOSSING Eve into the barricade like a boss, while Beth puts Kelly in the Dreaded Nattie’s Wacky Hold! I LOVE that move. They even repeat the mic gimmick, just to be douches, but Kelly STILL makes the ropes. Beth just cannot beat her. So they do what any good heels do when they cant beat someone – they cheat. I loved how Nattie kept banging the mic on the apron to disguise the real blow. Way to work. So for two matches Beth, the overconfident monster heel, has dismissed Kelly and then been caught. Third time around, she STILL cant beat this girl, so she ends up having to cheat to beat her. Wonderful pro wrestling. This is another feud that has been booked astoundingly well at every major turn.

And then the main event. I have to say first of all that I love, love, LOVE the fact that this match started out as HHH/Shawn/Benoit. I might be the only one who saw it, but I was marking the hell out for that shout out. This was actually a damn good match, they did a tonne of cool ass three-way spots here. Too many to name, but I especially liked the early spot where Cena whipped Punk, Punk saved himself in the corner and turned to point and laugh at Cena, but Alberto FLEW in from nowhere to toss Punk into the Cell. I laughed. Also enjoyed Punk’s DDT/neckbreaker combo thingy, as well as Cena’s big Leg Drop off the top to break up the headlock later on. The final stretch with all of the moves and saves, with Punk going through the table, was fun, leading into the finish.

The finish! Almost every match on this show has had a great finish. This was some more evil heel genius. Ricardo introduces the pipe, lures Cena outside and Cena is LOCKED OUT. Shades of Legacy. Then the clever thing was that Alberto and Punk continued to go back and forth here for a good while, teasing the idea that Cena would use Strength or something and get back in. I certainly wasnt ruling it out. But finally Alberto pipes the crap out of Punk and WINS. Thank the Lord. Really fun match.

But wait, thats not all! Commence Operation: Chaos! This was a HELL of a lot of fun. Awesome Truth wreaking havoc, beating the sh*t out of wrestlers, referees, cameramen, daring anyone to stop them. I also like the mysterious lowering of the Cell adding another layer of intrigue. But I think the best part was when they finally opened the door and Miz and Truth IMMEDIATELY surrendered to police so nobody could beat them up. Genius. …almost. But in this case Hunter taking shots at defenceless men was kind of understandable given they’d crashed the building three times to try and ruin his show, and had just beaten up his top stars, referees and cameramen while trespassing. It also opens up the possibility of repercussions for Hunter going foward, at least from Team Heel Lawsuit. Anyway, this was a great angle, JR going off his nut sold it great as well, and all in all what a cool, exciting ending to a very enjoyable show.