The Redman Report: WWE Raw 13/2/12: Extra Vintage Cheese

Can Raw possibly get any more ridiculously, absurdly, mind bogglingly campy and over the top? I sure hope so.

I was home late and missed the entire Debate thing, so, well…bugger. Might have to look it up later for Truth but man, the Raw Chamber just sounds so boring on paper. As a promo I mean, not a match.

Anyway, Kofi vs Jericho was a fun little thing there. Those two always work really well together, and this was no different. Jericho has become a staggeringly non-factor in such a short time, but I cannot hate on him working 10 minute TV matches. Kofi also brought his Kofiness and no offense to Bourne but I’m glad I get a chance to see Kofi doing work in singles again. Kofi selling the eye poke ruled. I still love that guy.

Shawn and Hunter hug. I assume they’ll leave it at that, right? Right?

Zack is back, with roses in tow, and he has to tell Trish how he really feels about her. Cena wears a horrendously ugly dress shirt and tells him to concentrate on their tag title shot instead. Later they’ll go clubbing, Canadian style, and pick up rats to take his mind off Trish. The good old days. ANYWAY, I dont care what anyone says, at all, I LOVE this angle. This is going somewhere hysterical, no doubt, and I cant wait.

Ace! Oh how I’ve missed thee. Take over Smackdown? Now hold on a minute playa! Mr. Theodore R. Long has been the General Manager of Smackdown for over seven years now and I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and let you oust him! The man is a DYNASTY. I love you Ace, but, no.

Orton vs Show! See, this is the downside about the Supershows. Nothing on Smackdown has time to settle anymore now they work two shows a week. Anyway, I aint hatin’ because Orton vs Show! The two best in the world fighting it out for my love and affection. Aww. Really enjoyed it for the most part, and HOLY MOSES, the Orton DDT! YES! I marked and marked, greatest thing since the Henry one, and Orton looking SO DAMN PLEASED WITH HIMSELF and Cole’s “Extra Vintage Orton!” topped it off. Its a shame they botched the RKO and took everyone out of the finish, but they recovered well and whatever, I love these guys. And, of course, D Bryan swoops in again. I love you Smackdown, never change.

So, Hunter and Shawn. Its probably appropriate that during Valentine’s I keep overusing the word “love” in this thing, but I dont have time for synonyms right now, so I LOVED this segment. I was out of my skin, just, total win. Shawn doesnt believe that Hunter would reject, of all things, a challenge from Taker at Mania, so he comes out to get everything out in the open and stop teasing people. Hunter insists that he’s genuinely not interested in putting the guy down (which he’s so utterly confident he would do if it happened – Jesus F*CK I cant wait for Taker to kick his ass) and is declining. He’s the COO now and has to make business decisions, and killing Taker, and the Streak, would be bad for business. Shawn, looking at it through the eyes of a wrestler only, thinks he’s just making excuses and ducking a challenge, which isnt manly. They get kind of testy, like Shawn calling Steph “that chick” and using the word “sellout”, and Hunter getting in a shot about how Shawn only wants him to do it because he failed.

My FAVOURITE bit of all was the end where Shawn said “Look me in the eye and tell me you dont need to end the Streak…” and Hunter does exactly that, which takes Shawn utterly aback and he has this look on his face like he’s contemplating the possibility that Hunter isnt driven to the point of insanity by the lure of The Streak like he was, that Hunter is content to have failed but been the guy who permanently damaged Taker and “won the war”, he doesnt feel the burning obsession to finish the job and Break the Streak, the obsession that drove Shawn round the bend for the last year of his career and ended up costing him his career. Shawn doesnt understand that. How can he walk away? How can he live with that failure? Shawn couldnt. Is Hunter really above it? Or are all of his reasons really just excuses because he doesnt want to face Taker – the Undead Zombie who kicked out of that damn Tombstone – again? OR, is he really that self-assured that he honestly believes that he’s Killed the Legend of the Undertaker?

In the end, he can make all of the perfectly rational objections he wants – personal reasons, business reasons – but for a guy like Hunter, who is at his heart still a wrestler, the jabs Shawn took at him, the idea of him being a coward…a coward for not accepting, plus the ego part of his brain that says he can Break the Streak, will end up counting for far more, especially when Taker keeps hassling him weekly looking for revenge for his victory. The Taker videos are goofy but what the hell, Taker is goofy, and I really like the effort they’re making to say “Taker lost the war, he’s not happy, he needs the Rematch to avenge his victory.” He’s not just back in February like always, he’s still permanently damaged from the Hunter match, physically and mentally, and he’s clearly not the same man. Plus they found a nifty way to lower hair expectations while they’re there.

I’m going for words and words and words on this, and I could write a whole other essay, but TL;DR, I really love this angle.

Dolph vs Truth had absolutely nothing wrong with it, but it was one of those times where I was so into the last segment that I cant care at all about these random people trying to work a match. One of the rare times I see the need for a piss break segment. Anywho, we need MORE HEADSTANDS, and rolling Dolph up out of the situp for the finish was cool as all get out.

Tamina squashing Nikki was fun and Beth did fine on commentary. They then proceeded to EYE F*CK THE BRAINS OUT OF EACH OTHER. Again. I cant wait until the PPV where I will see them finally get it on. Literally, it seems.

So, Cena. Firstly, the f*ck up with the ambulance spot was just an hilarious, WCW-level debacle and I laughed and laughed. But putting that aside, man, once again, I dont give a crap what anyone says, this is so much damn fun. Kane is trying to literally kidnap Eve in his ambulance (I know, I know, but just go with it…), Zack is once again either dead or crippled so, once again John Cena  runs in and SAVES EVE’S LIFE, and as she flies into his arms their eyes meet and SHE KISSES HIM. And he kisses back! And Zack happens to be there to witness his almost-girlfriend and his best friend betraying him! Harlot! Tramp! Scoundrel! Something Something Bottom Feeding Trashbag Ho! You KNEW that this was coming, you knew it, and here it is. This is just amazing on so many levels.

“I hope we can be friends!” Ahahahaha, oh Jesus, this is great stuff. Poor Zack. What a whore that Eve is. What a c*ck that Cena is.

Man, once again, I am so into the soap opera awesomeness that is going on here that I couldnt care a single bit less about these random dudes having random matches before the Chamber. They had a match, it was fine, but once again, whatever. Writing this now I honestly forgot what the finish was or who won, I had to look it up.

Anyway, the saga continues! This is such a deliciously glorious way to go with Cena. He tries to do everything right, to be the nice guy, ALL THE TIME, and everyone hates him anyway but he doesnt care, and then one day he inadvertantly steals Zack’s almost-girlfriend and suddenly he’s the worst asshole in the world. Its something that makes a man say “f*ck this” and turn heel, unless that man is JOHN CENA of course. HE knows this is all Kane’s fault for manipulating everyone and torturing Zack and Eve and turning his friends against him, trying to make him so despised and desperate that the only thing he can do is Embrace Hate. BUT NOT HE!

And suddenly – Zack! The time it took for him to get into the ring was another hilarious changing a tire moment, but a necessary one given the broken back and the fact that he needs to be as pathetic as possible. Cena has spent the last 5 minutes insisting everything is OK and he’s Rising Above, but here is Zack slapping his face and hating on him for inadvertently stealing his almost-girlfriend, when she kissed him first damn it, and what was he supposed to do, not kiss Eve? The great thing is that if he had, in fact, stopped Eve kissing him, guys would be calling him a pussy and all of that for not kissing a hot Diva who threw herself at him. Once again, as always, Cena cant win no matter what he does. He manages to not fight Zack back but he falls down, with a broken back, and it all amounts to the same thing: Cena has now lost his only friend in WWE.

Kane cackling on the screen about having masterminded the ruining of the lives of two men was awesome. The way he said “lets have a round of applause for John Cena” like a total asshole was amazing and I laughed forever. Then he swooped in and HURLED Zack off the stage, and the Almighty bump Zack took for this ruled and made the ending work. And Cena and THAT HARLOT EVE standing around helpless, once again, after Zack was, once again, crushed at the hands of Kane, except after tonight they look (even more, if you like) like completely insincere douches, Jesus. This was all so much fun on a variety of levels, and I cant wait to see where this goes. Cena turns? Even turns? Zack turns? Was Eve in league with Cena all along? With KANE all along? And will Cena Embrace Hate? I’m flipping out over here, I love this kind of soap opera sh*t and this has been so much fun.

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