Well, hello. It’s November! It’s Pay Per View! It’s Survivor Series! We’re LIIIIIIVE from Boston, and after the obligatory opening package that is always awesome, we get into things with the 5 on 5 Elimination Match.
It has to be said, and let’s get it out of the way. We saw Zeb Colter twerking. TWERKING. Oh dear lord, it actually happened. Damn you, Miley Cyrus! Also, Cody Rhodes. If you would have put money on one Rhodes brother twerking of his own accord, it wouldn’t have been him… With the twerkathon over with, it’s match time.
What a damn good traditional Survivor Series match. High spots, heat spots, hot tags and perhaps the birth of a new star in the WWE. Roman Reigns, step forward. Word on “the street” is that the powers that be are high on Reigns, and you can see why. He was booked to look good, and he made the most of it. His spear may end up going down as the most devastating in WWE history.
BACK STAGE SHENANIGANS with Orton and The Authority! Can you can contain the excitement? Jerry Lawler can’t as he shills Flo Rida’s new song, available on iTunes now. I doubt Jerry Lawler knows who Flo Rida is. To be honest, I doubt Jerry knows what iTunes is.
It’s Axel! Big E! Incidentally, Big E’s entrance… a cloud of white powder like that hasn’t been seen since Juventud Guerrera was in WCW. Anyway. Pretty forgettable match, considering it involves Curtis Axel, that’s maybe not surprising. I do wish they’d allow Axel to use his own name, and build the Perfect Plex back into a meaningful finisher. Big E wins, holds the title and tries to break the Mick Foley record for cheap pops in one promo.
I like Big E – he seems to be a genuine fan who is happy to just be in the WWE. Every time he gets in the ring, he gets a little smoother, and he has the ability to connect with the fans – he more than proved that in NXT. Future’s bright for Big E, I think.
Divas match. Don’t care. Literally. Could not care less if I tried. Who knew the WWE even had 14 Divas on the main roster? Who knew maybe so few of them outside of Natalya, AJ, Kaitlyn and Tamina know how to string more than 2 moves (including walking and breathing) together? Eva Marie may well be the most incompetent women’s wrestler ever, and I lived through the Kelly Kelly era. Way too long for what it was.
Ryback is talking! That’s his biggest opponent, if you ask me… it’s open challenge time, and to answer that? He’s baaaaack! It’s Mark Henry, without his dreadlocks, but with a smile on his face. He looks in good shape, too. Henry takes the win with his finisher, but the big story here – Mark Henry hit a cross body splash of sorts. Even Mark was smiling at that one. Welcome back, big man!
And now for the match practically nobody cares about. Two superheroes – SuperCena vs. BoringMan. Yawn. Y’know, I have no problem with Cena in the ring. He’s a decent worker, knows his limitations and disguises them as best he can; he knows how to work a crowd (even if 50% of that crowd resolutely hate him) and he brings out the best in his opponent. Even though in his role as SuperCena, he rarely loses – he’s not afraid to take some punishment to make the other guy look good.
The problem is Del Rio is just so pedestrian and monotone. He is the most boring main event wrestler I’ve seen in a long time… and given how long he’s been cemented in the main event, does he really need a Cena boost?
Make new stars on Smackdown while Cena has the belt – Sandow looked fantastic in the ring with Cena; push Dolph back up, push Cesaro, push ANYBODY. Del Rio needs time off and a repackaging. I’m fed up of him way more than Cena. Should we be surprised that Cena won? No. Should we be upset? Not really. Cena as champ on Smackdown serves a purpose. Just let him be the guy and use him to elevate new stars, please!
Following on from Santino and all the other comedy midcarders (yes, that’s you too Truth) selling toys and a John Laurinitis cameo, we get the match I was most looking forward too – The Beard and The Best vs Harper and Rowan.
A great match it was too. The contrast of the speedier, more technically proficient Punk and Bryan against the sheer power of the Wyatt family team really worked. Harper is much better than he gets credit for and Rowan? He tries hard, he’s improving and he totally gets into his gimmick. Sometimes, that’s enough to make something work.
The Wyatt Family gimmick is by far my favourite thing to come out of the WWE in many a year. All three men buy into it, live it, breathe it from the minute they appear on screen. It’s mesmerising at times. From Bray himself and his cult leader type monologues, to Harper’s monosyllabic moaning in the ring, even to Rowan’s outright creepiness. It works perfectly.
While perhaps not the most technically excellent match Punk and Bryan will ever have, it told a story, it never overstayed it’s welcome – and it established all of the Wyatt’s further up the card without doing any damage to Punk or Bryan. What more do you need?
On a side note, the two kids in the white and green tops that keep bouncing up and down in the crowd behind the ring corner? Doing my NUT in.
EPIC CENA AND ORTON STAREDOWN. Oh wait, no it wasn’t.
Big Show is here and he’s SMILING. Uh oh. Now here’s Randy Or-Un, and he means business. He’s walking EXTRA SLOWLY~~~!!! Which is perfect for this match, because time slowed down to a near standstill. Remember when the main event was always a great match, and you looked forward to it? Not any more.
Orton is a good character, but he works better with someone dynamic to work with; ironically, Orton and Cena would be a good combination at the moment. Big Show is many things, but is not dynamic. I like how they made him relevant again, but he’s an upper midcard guy now, Maybe a tag teamer – remember Show & Jericho?
The obviously foreshadowed Authority interference of sorts is an example of my least favourite “distract someone and pin them straight away” style of finish. Glad Orton broke out the punt again to emphasise he’s EVIL RANDY but other than that, an utterly forgettable main event.
The tease of Cena vs. Orton with the belts held high was interesting, but not urgent. Build it by all means, but let Cena make the belt – and Smackdown – into an equal along the way.
The show was by no means a bust, but a poor main event always leaves a bad taste in the mouth. The male Survivor Series Elimination match, and the tag match are worth checking out, everything else, not so much. Survivor Series used to be a highlight of the year… this year, it was just a blur in amongst the usual angle heavy, overbooked main events. Such a shame…
Until next time – have fun, go mad.
