• Home
  • Movies
  • Music
  • TV
  • Video Games
  • Wrestling
  • Topics
  • Latest Comments on Cult of Whatever
Search
Cult of Whatever logo
  • Movies
    Featured
    • The Living Daylights: Timothy Dalton as James Bond

      The Living Daylights is still awesome, thirty-five years later

      By Matthew Martin
      | March 28, 2022
      Movie Blogs
    Recent
    • The Muppet Christmas Carol: Michael Caine as Scrooge

      The Muppet’s Christmas Carol remains the gold standard for the book

      By Matthew Martin
      | December 20, 2022
    • Nightmare Before Christmas 1993 1

      2022’s Christmas Movie Watchlist!

      By Matthew Martin
      | December 18, 2022
    • Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio Poster

      REVIEW: GDT’s Pinocchio is my favorite film of the year!

      By Matthew Martin
      | December 14, 2022
    • Troll: Ine Marie Wilmann as Nora

      REVIEWS: TROLL and TROLL HUNTER -A giant creature double feature!

      By Matthew Martin
      | December 5, 2022
    • Harry with The Hendersons

      Harry and the Hendersons is still awesome, thirty-five years later

      By Matthew Martin
      | December 1, 2022
    • Fantastic Four Poster

      The five best “rogues galleries” in superherodom! (part 3)

      By Matthew Martin
      | November 28, 2022
  • Music
    Random
    • She Him Zooey Deschanel M Ward

      "Thieves" is a broken-hearted song about people who steal our hearts

      By Matthew Martin
      | September 27, 2016
      Music Blogs
    Recent
    • The Beatles: Get Back

      What GET BACK reveals about the Beatles

      By Matthew Martin
      | December 15, 2021
    • Simon And Garfunkel at Feyenoord Stadium in Rotterdam1982

      The Boxer is a song about being conned

      By Matthew Martin
      | July 4, 2021
    • Lady Gaga: Chromatica Album Cover

      Lady Gaga’s discography is totally out of order

      By Matthew Martin
      | June 3, 2021
    • Michael Jackson Thriller Album Cover

      Thirty years ago music fans said “Nevermind” to Michael Jackson

      By Matthew Martin
      | March 21, 2021
    • Queen II Album Cover

      On Queen’s The Miracle, and the importance of track ordering

      By Matthew Martin
      | February 16, 2021
    • Linda Paul Mccartney 1976

      50 years ago, McCartney dropped “Lennon” and went solo…

      By Matthew Martin
      | June 5, 2020
  • TV
    Featured
    • Big Sky S03e05: Kylie Bunbury, J. Anthony Pena and Katheryn Winnick as Cassie Dewell, Mo Poppernak and Jenny Hoyt

      Big Sky S03E05 Review: Flesh and Blood - Glamping!

      By Salome G
      | October 22, 2022
      TV Blogs
    Recent
    • Big Sky S03e10: Gang

      Big Sky S03E10 Review: A Thin Layer of Rock – Break time…

      By Salome G
      | December 11, 2022
    • Rick And Morty: S01e03

      Is Beth from Rick and Morty a bigger sociopath than Rick?

      By Jason Collins
      | December 7, 2022
    • Big Sky S03e09: Dedee Pfeiffer and Cree as Denise and Emily

      Big Sky S03E09: Where There’s Smoke There’s Fire – Stalling

      By Salome G
      | December 1, 2022
    • The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special: Dave Bautista and Pom Klementieff as Drax and Mantis

      REVIEW: The GOTG Holiday Special is a sweet prelude to next year’s finale

      By Matthew Martin
      | November 27, 2022
    • The Midnight Club S01: The Gang

      The Midnight Club S1 Review – A series of unfortunate events

      By Salome G
      | November 24, 2022
    • Big Sky S03e08: Reba McEntire as Sunny Barnes

      Big Sky S03E08 Review: Duck Hunting – I love a weirdo.

      By Salome G
      | November 19, 2022
  • Video Games
    Featured
    • Arkham Knight

      Batman: Arkham Knight - A fitting end to a trilogy

      By Tom Farr
      | July 18, 2015
      Video Game Reviews
    Recent
    • Splatoon 3 Screenshot

      A trio of Nintendo Switch reviews!

      By Matthew Martin
      | September 28, 2022
    • Nintendo Switch Logo

      Looking ahead to the Switch 2: Predictions and Wants

      By Matthew Martin
      | August 15, 2022
    • Legend Of Zelda

      Can a Legend of Zelda movie work?

      By Matthew Martin
      | April 6, 2022
    • Super Mario 64

      Which system had the better launch: A battle of four Nintendo consoles

      By Matthew Martin
      | December 1, 2021
    • Luigi's Mansion

      Happy twentieth to Nintendo’s underrated gem, the Gamecube

      By Matthew Martin
      | November 18, 2021
    • Metroid Dread

      Metroid Dread – Post Game analysis and sequel needs

      By Matthew Martin
      | October 29, 2021
  • Wrestling
    Featured
    • AEW All Out 2022: Keith Lee. Anthony Bowens, Max Caster and Billy Gunn

      AEW All Out 2022 - Review and (wild) Speculation!

      By Matthew Martin
      | September 5, 2022
      AEW
    Recent
    • WWE WrestleMania 38: Cody Rhodes vs. Seth Rollins

      Was 2022 the wildest year in wrestling history?

      By Matthew Martin
      | January 4, 2023
    • AEW Full Gear 2022: Young Bucks and Kenny Omega Elite Entrance

      AEW Full Gear 2022 – A needed reset at the end of a tough year

      By Matthew Martin
      | November 22, 2022
    • WWE Survivor Series 1997: Bret Hart

      The Montreal Screwjob – Twenty Five Years Later

      By Matthew Martin
      | November 8, 2022
    • AEW Grand Slam 2022: Jungle Boy and Rey Fenix

      AEW GRANDSLAM 2022 showcased the present and future of the promotion

      By Matthew Martin
      | September 25, 2022
    • AEW All Out 2022: CM Punk

      AEW All Out Fall Out: All the CM Punk drama that’s fit to print!

      By Matthew Martin
      | September 5, 2022
    • AEW Dark: Ricky Starks (22/09/20)

      The future of the AEW World Championship

      By Matthew Martin
      | August 14, 2022
  • Topics
    • site logo
    Latest
    • Was 2022 the wildest year in wrestling history?
    • The Muppet's Christmas Carol remains the gold standard for the book
    • 2022's Christmas Movie Watchlist!
    • REVIEW: GDT's Pinocchio is my favorite film of the year!
    • Big Sky S03E10 Review: A Thin Layer of Rock - Break time...
    • Is Beth from Rick and Morty a bigger sociopath than Rick?

    CONAN THE BARBARIAN is still awesome, 35 years later…

    By Matthew Martin
    | January 9, 2017
    Movie Blogs

    Welcome Cult readers to a year-long series looking back on some of the best movies from one of cinema’s best years ever: 1982. Thirty-Five years have passed but the films released in that magical year are still being watched and enjoyed today. Some of these movies are classics that earned big money at the time and have endured over the years. Others are minor hits (or even flops) that managed to find a second life on home video and late night cable. One or two might be movies you’ve never heard of but which nevertheless deserve to be rediscovered after disappearing soon after their release.

    Up first is a movie synonymous with the term “cult classic.” In 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger was a near-total unknown, famous in bodybuilding circles with only a few minor film and TV appearances to his name. Before 1982, his most high-profile appearance came in the documentary Pumping Iron. He had previously acted in a 1969 B-movie “Hercules in New York” (billed as “Arnold Strong”) but at that time his acting was so bad, his accent was so thick and his English was so poor his lines were hilariously overdubbed. It’s one of the few films Arnold ever openly expressed regret in making.

    It wasn’t until 1982 that he received his first big break, a starring role in an epic fantasy film (and surprise box office hit): Conan the Barbarian. If you’ve never seen it, and if you love big cornball fantasy movies, this really needs to be in your wheelhouse.

    Conan Barbarian Poster 1982

    Below are my thoughts on the film, in real time, as I watch it for the first time since I was a child…

    The movie—set in an ancient land time “in the time of Atlantis”—begins with a quote by 19th century philosopher Nietzsche. If that is too stupid and nonsensical for you, then this movie isn’t for you. But if you like things that are so dumb and absurd they are hilarious and good, then buckle up.

    There is a monologue spoken over a black screen where the narrator promises you a film of “high adventure.” After that we’re given a silent montage of someone making a sword, which would have been the perfect montage to have the previous narration talking over.

    Oliver Stone co-wrote this cinematic fever-dream, by the way. I don’t know if that’s ironic or not.

    We’re first introduced to Conan as a child, sitting next to his father, being told the history of the world or something. It’s kind of hard to keep up with the dialogue because you’ll spend most of the scene staring at his dad, absolutely sure he’s played by Bruce Jenner.

    Conan Babarian Jorge Sanz William Smith

    What follows is almost ten minutes of wordless action, set over a beautiful score (hat tip to Basil Poledouris), climaxing in a village raid led by, of all people, James Earl Jones in a Cher wig.

    Our narrator returns, sounding like an English actor pretending to be a Japanese actor trying to do an American accent.

    You know, as cheesy as this is, at least it’s filmed on location in various European locales. It’s very pretty to look at, unlike modern fantasy epics like Gods of Egypt, which are just cheap-looking greenscreen abominations.

    Hey there’s Arnold, coming in at about the 20 minute mark. Conan apparently spent twenty years of his life pushing a wheel as a slave (his parents were killed by James Earl Cher by the way).

    Conan fights in a gladiator pit, half naked and rolling around the floor, bleeding on other half-naked men. And if you think I find that weird, ha ha to you, I grew up watching the WWF Attitude Era.

    We’re about a fifth of the way through the movie and 90% of it has been in the form of a montage. I kind of hope the whole movie is like this; just montages showed over the narration of fake Japanese/American guy.

    Boobs appear and then are covered.

    So far, other than Arnold’s patented “growl scream“ Conan has not uttered a word.  I’m okay with this.

    Oh wait nevermind, no sooner than I type that do we get the now-infamous “What is best in life?” scene:

    Please accept YouTube cookies to play this video. By accepting you will be accessing content from YouTube, a service provided by an external third party.

    YouTube privacy policy

    If you accept this notice, your choice will be saved and the page will refresh.

    That was also Donald Trump’s campaign philosophy, I believe.

    Another wordless montage, this time showing Conan suddenly being chased by dogs at night (no transition to show when or why, let’s just roll with it).  He climbs a rock and then falls down a hole. We’re led to believe he is trapped down there (he builds a fire, looks around nervously and so forth) but then he comes upon a skeleton and a sword. Next thing we know he’s climbing out of the rock like it’s no big deal, so I don’t know what’s going on.

    Aaaaaand now Conan has come upon what I can only describe as “The Best Little Whore House in Middle Earth.” Except I’m pretty sure the lady in question is more of a witch than a whore. She’s speaking some kind of weird language and then the lights go blue and she transforms into a snake woman that Conan tosses into the fire.

    This movie rocks.

    Conan meets our narrator guy, and sets off to find James Earl Cher, which leads to another montage as Conan and his little lackey/buddy search a city looking for……

    Holy crap Conan just punched a camel.

    And now they’ve met a blonde lady who gives them rope and helps them climb a wall. On the other side is a well. Down the well is some kind of weird snake people ceremony that Conan and his lackey interrupt, only to come face to face with a giant snake monster.

    A mix of stop-motion and props bring the monster to life and even though it’s cheap and silly it feels more real than the basilisk fight at the end of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I wish more studios would use physical props and rely less on computer effects.

    I’m almost halfway through this and there’s been maybe two pages of dialogue in the whole film. I’m wondering what Oliver Stone charged to do this movie because whatever it was it was a steal. I think I understand what made this movie a hit. I mean, it was a hit, grossing well over 100 million (in 1982 terms that’s a hit), but the story is nonsense, the direction and editing is amateur, and the screenplay is really just an outline. But the mindless action, violence and uber masculinity helped it win over boys (and men who act like boys) everywhere.

    Oh snap, Max Von Sydow is in this thing? Add another star to the rating.

    Another montage (at this point it would be more practical to list off the scenes in the movie that weren’t montages) takes Conan (now sporting a full suit of armor) to a desert land where he meets an aborigine. And…oh…this guy is the narrator, not the other guy. The other guy is gone now. His role is the movie was entirely pointless I guess.

    Conan Barbarian Arnold Schwarzenegger 3

    Our titular hero has infiltrated a hippie pagan commune, flirted with and then beat up a priest and stole his clothes (despite the priest being a Medium, at best, and Conan being an XXL). The disguise seemed to work perfectly as he made his way into a crowd of thousands, watching James Earl Cher give a speech. Suddenly he is discovered and captured, with no discernible reason for how he was found out. He just suddenly is.

    Villain monologue time, as James Earl Cher lays out his worldview for Conan, whom he keeps referring to as “boy” before tying him up on “the tree of woe” like a muscular, Austrian Jesus.

    Conan is rescued from death thanks to The Blond, The Lackey and The Narrator putting some voodoo spell on him. It’s a trippy scene that blends live action and animation.

    Conan and friends paint themselves up like Zebras and sneak into a pagan snake orgy montage.

    James Earl Cher has turned into a literal snake but this film is still ten times better than the live-action Super Mario Bros. movie.

    A big action scene leads to the bad guys promising revenge for having their snake orgy interrupted. So, Cher fires a snake-arrow that kills The Blonde.

    Conan Barbarian James Earl Jones Ben Davidson Sven Ole Thorsen Thulsa Doom Rexor Thorgrim

    Conan tracks down James Earl Cher who tries to brainwash the hero into thinking he’s Conan’s father. The old Darth Vader trick…doesn’t work as Conan cuts off Cher’s head and holds it up like a trophy.

    The End.

    Narrator guy tells us that Conan had many more adventures and eventually became a king, promising that those stories would also (later) be told…Presumably in 1984’s much less fun and much more terrible Conan The Destroyer. 

    There was a remake which we shall not speak of, and Arnold has been working for years on a sequel that would see him don the fur underwear again. Whether or not that movie ever comes, we will always have The Barbarian, a movie which embraced its own sense of stupid fun, low-IQ masculinity, nonsensical plot and love of muscles.

    It may not be a “good” movie, but it is an awesome movie.

    See you next month, as we look back on TRON!

    Share this article:

    Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on Pinterest Share on Reddit

    Tags

    1982 MoviesArnold SchwarzeneggerConan the Barbarian

    COMMENTS

    Please read our Commenting Policy before you join in with the discussion.

    Note: If you have email notifications enabled, please check your email spam folders to ensure emails are not missed.

    Subscribe
    Connect withD
    I allow to create an account
    When you login first time using a Social Login button, we collect your account public profile information shared by Social Login provider, based on your privacy settings. We also get your email address to automatically create an account for you in our website. Once your account is created, you'll be logged-in to this account.
    DisagreeAgree
    Notify of
    guest

    Connect withD
    I allow to create an account
    When you login first time using a Social Login button, we collect your account public profile information shared by Social Login provider, based on your privacy settings. We also get your email address to automatically create an account for you in our website. Once your account is created, you'll be logged-in to this account.
    DisagreeAgree
    guest

    2 Comments
    Inline Feedbacks
    View all comments
    Stephane Fontana
    Stephane Fontana
    6 years ago

    Return to the filming locations 35 years later: http://lieuxdetournages.over-blog.com/2014/04/conan-the-barbarian-conan-le-barbare-john-milius-1982.html

    0
    Reply
    Kele Lampe
    Kele Lampe
    6 years ago

    My hubs & I still think this is the best PRE-LOTR fantasy movie ever made. Small cast, good casting, simple story, no over reliance on F/X. Perfect.

    0
    Reply

    You might also like

    • Star Trek II-IV is one of the 80’s best trilogies and Star Trek’s best cinematic realization.

      By Matthew Martin
      | August 18, 2016
    • 2017’s Big Movie Year

      By Matthew Martin
      | January 6, 2017
    • My favorite Films of 2016

      By Matthew Martin
      | January 3, 2017

    FIND THE TOPICS YOU WANT...

    Movie Topics

    Recommended for you

    • REVIEW: GDT’s Pinocchio is my favorite film of the year!

      By Matthew Martin
      | December 14, 2022
    • REVIEWS: TROLL and TROLL HUNTER -A giant creature double feature!

      By Matthew Martin
      | December 5, 2022
    • Harry and the Hendersons is still awesome, thirty-five years later

      By Matthew Martin
      | December 1, 2022
    • The five best “rogues galleries” in superherodom! (part 3)

      By Matthew Martin
      | November 28, 2022
    • Spirited Away remains Studio Ghibli’s “greatest” film

      By Matthew Martin
      | October 16, 2022
    • Read the Book Instead: The most disappointing book-to-film adaptations

      By Oliver Johnston
      | September 20, 2021
    • About Us
    • Contact Us
    • Privacy Policy
    • Affiliate Disclosure
    • Cookie Policy and Settings
    • Terms of Use
    • Photo Credits
    • RSS
    All Cult of Whatever articles, logos, illustrations and graphics are copyright CultOfWhatever.com. All other trademarks, logos and copyrights are the property of their respective owners. © 2021 CultOfWhatever. All Rights Reserved.
    • facebook
    • twitter
    wpDiscuz