The Redman Report: WWE Extreme Rules

Nobody is watching this show. Nobody. There’s nobody even on the board right now watching this show. Which saddens me, because while nobody is looking, these guys have turned out a hell of a PPV, with great workrate all the way down, some awesome matches, a few deaths, a retirement and a debut. You should not have skipped this show.

Its kind of strange to see Orton opening, but this should be good. See, the GM ding is the kind of Raw crap I never ever need to see on a PPV I pay money for. But whatever. I liked Punk undoing the turnbuckle right away so they had something to aim for straight off. Orton’s first Lariat was pretty cool. I think I’m the only one who noticed the dueling knee drops spot. I liked Punk whipping the stick right out into Orton there. Plus Punk springboarding into a STICK. I loved the way Punk took the “ram his head into the chair” spot to not actually take it with his head at all but still make it look better than if he had done. This is some cool ass whooping going on here. That back suplex on the barricade looked like it sucked. Loved the Russian Leg Swe-BAMRKO. WOAH THE JEFF CHAIR NECK THINGY SPOT. That is one nasty spot. I loved Randy managing to land upright with the chair too. Whenever they do the announce table bump and the table doesnt break, that always looks like it sucks. I thought that was the finish too, calling back to 2007. Totally bought the Punt tease as well. But then we get Psycho Randy, the STICKS play into the finish nicely, and a SUPERRKO for the win. Really, awesomely fun match. Punk/Orton has been a total win on all sides.

Sheamus is a birther, LOLZ. Anyway, who cares because KOFI IS GETTING A WIN DAMN IT!

Morrison’s FACE. Its so goofy when they do that. But in a funny way.

KOFI! Kofi the Worker, actually, looking behind his back for Sheamus. Hey, hey. Booker T, I love you man, you’re pretty great, and BIZNESS and stuff…but you really need to stop hatin’ on my Kofi. The guy is Ricky Steamboat, he’s a smiling, happy, clapping, dancing babyface, thats the way he is, so leave him alone! Anyway, this was quite the random gimmick match. Tables matches are a dice roll, but I really liked this. The main point I want to get across is that I noticed, apart from Kofi’s sunset flip I guess, there were literally NO WRESTLING MOVES in this match. No exaggeration. There were none. Zero. And I say this with love; Sheamus and Kofi went out there with no heat, no feud, no purpose, they did no moves, almost no highspots, they just brawled around and teased a finish, and got a pretty good match out of it. Enjoyed the run into the shoulder block, and Sheamus standing on the table on Kofi. Plus the only real Kofi highspot they did in the turnbuckle leap. WOAH STOMP! Screw Josh for saying Kofi jumped over the table. I mean…he did, but you’re only calling attention to the fact that he did, he was supposed to be killed by the Brogue Kick. When they set the table up in the ring I got so excited because I wanted a CROSSBODY. But it doesnt matter because I got the SUPER BOOM DROP instead! Shades of Money in the Bank! And at least in the end Booker conceded that Kofi got aggressive. And hey, KOFI KINGSTON! That was so fun for me. I could watch Kofi win matches all day long.

“C, O, N…….spiracy!”

FUNNIEST. SH*T. EVER. I totally love heel Truth. The guy is just ridiculous, in the best possible way. The whole thing, from “SHUT UP” to “how long is this show…YO.” and the conspiracy was hilarious. Could have done without hanging on with his angry “Grr” Edge face, but whatever. A wonderfully ridiculous man, right here.

I’m not even looking forward to this. Honestly, I’ve seen it all, I hate Cole too much, and I’m not even convinced they give the babyfaces their win here. AHAHAHAHA BUBBLE WRAP! OK, thats hilarious. Maybe not quite ‘Floaties to a Water Fight’ level hilarious, but hilarious nonetheless. The first minute or so was fun, Cole was a HEEL GENIUS in Bubble Wrap so King just PUNCHES HIM IN THE HEAD. To be honest, apart from Cole and JR not physically being able to work, this was pretty good. It was miles better than WM, certainly. Until the MOTHERF*CKING FINISH. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG DECISION. Just bugger off, seriously. Trying to draw his heat out more and more, when the angle expired a month ago, trying to protect Cole for…well, I’m not even sure exactly, just f*ck off. And its a shame because like I said, everything before that went perfectly fine.

Cool Rey and Cody video. I am so in love with this man. We’re getting our brawling on I see. WOAH GIANT STAGE SENTON! What an insane dive for a man with no knees. Between him and Cody this is pretty much Rhodes vs Mysterio: Knee Injury on a Pole. Yay crowd brawling! Woah Cody’s Lariat! Boston Crab on the rail! And a wicked headbutt. Oh God, if they go into DER IS A LAYDEE IN DA MEN’S BATHROOM I’m going to lose it. Tackle those bins! Teasing going into the mirror was genius, and BAMBEAUTIFULDISASTER! Something as simple as that kick getting a “HOLY SH*T” chant is just awesome. HOLYGODDAMNTHEBALANCESPOTONTHEBAR! Holy Moses, I am in love with this match. The Rey Balance Spot is like my favouritest thing in the entire world. Big ups to the backstage fans there, they love this too. Ahahaha, lolz at Rey getting a hand from the fan but Cody had run away. To be honest I liked that that happened, to me it was like, they’re in a strange environment and they cant do the things they naturally would in the ring. Plus in the end it was Cody suckering Rey in to give him the HIP TOSS. Rey strikes! I so, so love Angry Brawling Rey. The wheelbarrow faceplant was nasty. The final minutes were all good, and then TAJIRI MIST?! WOAH. And WOAH at the natural 619! That was cool, but, WRONG DECISION. Its…I mean, Cody really should have won here. But at the same time, I cant totally hate a babyface victory, or a Rey victory, and I totally dig Angry, Badass, Blowoff Match Rey. In any case, this was a fun ass brawl. I am so in love.

Women are here! Christ Almighty, what I wouldnt do to Layla. What I wouldnt do to Beth too, actually. Some fine women here. I like that they had Layla come back to the pack here since she’s the babyface by default. She’s quite the shorty, Layla. And Kelly, Acting. Lol. I notice that there’s no Eve here in the babyface women’s lockeroom, but there is Alicia Fox. The mind boggles.

I am so, so, SO not ready for this. I mean, I’m really not prepared, at all. Look, I’m not expecting much support Double Double E, but just give them 6 minutes. At least. Thats all I ask. Girls can do a lot in 6 minutes. I’m not ready for this so I seem to be rambling. WOAH START WITH A CHEAP SHOT! Shades of Night of Champions! A Chick Kick as the first move of this match was weird as hell. KNEETOTHEFACEBIATCH. Doesnt have the same zing on the table though. Got the double leg, GNP Lay! I laughed when Michelle begged off by saying “You dont want to go out like this Lay” – smart strategy. Tight Belly to belly. Cool stuff on the outside too. WOAH BABY, Layla the Worker! When she was on top she paused for a second and I saw her think “Do I really want to do this, she’s my best..friend,” and she decided yes, it was over, she had to and went BAM Diamond Dust! I just fell in love all over again. Ahahaha, I laughed at Michelle hitting her Superkick and Layla accidentally kicked out at one. LAYOUT! That killed me because for half a second I bought that Layla..Layla would win this match clean with her finish. ROLL THROUGH INTO THE STYLES CLASH! I love Michelle’s transitions, way to go. AND THE ROLL UP! I figured going in it would be a rollup, this is Layla we’re talking about. I enjoyed the finish getting a pop. Layla is freaking out and she doesnt know whether she’s freaking out because she’s happy or sad. Her and me both. I was totally with Layla winning here, dont get me wrong, but I’m sitting here watching Michelle McCool retire in front of my eyes today and my heart just cannot handle this. I am on the floor. This week in wrestling has just wounded my soul.

HOOOOOOOOOOLY SH*T KHARMA BITCHES! WOAH. WOAH. WOAH. I’m watching this woman walk out on WWE TV right here, this rules. She has AWESOME music too, total doom music. And she gets to kill Michelle after all! The way Kharma stared at her before she got into the ring was f*cking insane. Just psychotic. Michelle was awesomely terrified grasping for the ropes in horror, way to go out a worker, and BAM IMPLANT BUSTER MOTHERF*CKERS! I love her doing her best Steve Austin “BWAHAHAHAHA-no” fake laugh. And lolz at the girls being completely gobsmacked backstage, “…f*ck.” And now I cant help but notice…why no Eve? The plot thickens.

KHARMA IS HERE TO KILL ALL THESE BITCHES. SH*T JUST GOT REAL.

So after all that, I have no time to recover my heart, my breath or my balance because WORLD TITLE MATCH. God. I cannot handle this. Anyway, this sh*t is gonna rule. Cool vid. I’ve never seen anyone throw the other guy under the ring to get them out of the way, that was awesome. They built well for the ladder spots, and I really liked how Alberto landed on his feet the first time and Enziguri! The trip with the ladder was cool. Christian smacking the stairs was nasty. When Christian was pushed off and he DID THE BALANCE SPOT on the ladder and hit a CROSSBODY, that was the moment where I knew this sh*t was ON. The little sequence into the ladder flapjack was cool. Then the crazy stepladder armbreaker! Hey, Christian, sell your arm! Way to go. There was a point here where commentary went f*cking mental for about 60 seconds, that sucked. And wow, that backdrop onto the ladder looked like it sucked. ENZIGURI! Ladder flop! That was cool. I absolutely love this idea that Alberto knows to land when the ladder is tipped, great work. LOL at the random hand in the face after the spear there. No the ladder crucifix! Babyface escape! Woo! I bought that as a finish, probably because of the poetry with Edge. HOLY F*CKING JESUS F*CK! ARGH ARGH ARGH. F*CK. That was f*cking BRUTAL. Argh. Man. Woah Christian go go go! I LOVE this babyface crawl. I am sold, right here. BRODUS NO! Yes, get him! ARMBAR WITH THE LADDER! Ahhh Edge damn it! OHGOD AL NEARLY DIED AGAIN. That was close with the ropes there. Argh God pools of blood! Brodus must be pretty f*cked up, gross. But whatever, CHRISTIAN WINS THE WORLD TITLE MOTHERF*CKERS! Holy Moses. What a pop. Christian up top mouthed “I cant believe it!” over and over. And that was a seriously awesome match.

This is awesome, its awesome and its…nice. I love moments like this. Everyone is crying. I’m crying. I’m stoked for the guy. He’s been an incredible worker since the minute he came back, just immense, but he was always…that guy, you know, and now he finally gets to win the world title. Who gives a crap about Smackdown and star power and devalued belts. Who gives a crap. Christian finally won a world title. I love wrestling.

Luckily they still had a women’s match match up their sleeve at this point. When Corre’s music hit I realised this was only a vehicle for more Corre BICKERING, so whatever. Show took a MENTAL bump over the top rope, and the Zeke BODYSLAM is always fun. Thats all I got from this. Oh, plus Trent going “I cant help, he’s too big!” outside, that was funny. But whatever, with this.

I’m done, anyway, I’m tapped. I’ve spent all my energy already so luckily I dont care about this main event. The triple threat cage match from January 3rd just killed my life too much. OK, they’re actually keeping up a good pace here early. I liked Cena’s offense into the Skull Crushing Finale but Morrison is busting out so Miz had to go after him. Thats one of the most intelligent three-way spots I’ve seen. OHJESUSF*CK THEY KILLED THE MIZ. ARGH SH*T. F*CK. That was awful. God. People have died on this show. Anyway, Morrison was cool here with the double springboard Chuck Kick and the Standing C4. Miz powerboming Morrison into the cage was badass. And I liked the STF-door spot, Miz dragging Cena into the bottom rope was an awesome bit of work. And then Morrison doing the Slam the Door and getting CROTCHED on the door, yikes. Thats the limit to which my disbelief will suspend, just about, but I let it go. Cena with the MONKEY FLIP! Ahahahaha, hilarious. Loved the shot of Miz & Cena and Morrison is busting out in the background, awesome work. ARGH. Doing Starship Pain like that with no bounce to flip himself over was terrifying. TRUTH! OH HOLY GOD, I swear to God his jacket says “The Truth, the Truth, the Truth is on fire!” That is THE GREATEST SH*T I ever saw. R-TRUTH, Ladies and Gentlemen. Truth climbing out of the cage just to prove that he could have won was an awesome touch too. I bought Miz climbing out at this point, even though I realised at the beginning that Cena has to win if the Rock is on tomorrow. Laughed at the double punch. SUPERFUBIATCH! What a lovely bookend to a PPV. At least Cena sold the win like it was something. And my God in Heaven, what an astonishingly good match. That impressed the hell out of me, I thought I’d hate it, but that was pretty awesome all the way through. Kudos to those guys.

So all in all, a pretty great show. The tag title thing was the only real down point, aside from Cole winning his match. Everything else was great fun. We had like half a dozen great matches here, and some were downright awesome. This was a brawling PPV, but with the slightly different gimmicks every match felt unique and its own match – there was the weapons match, the finish-teasing tables match, the all-over brawl, the announcers’ whoopin’ match, the women, the ladder match and the cage match – there was no feeling of overkill with the gimmicks. Lots of babyface wins made it seem more fun too, capped off with Christian winning the world title. Plus, you know…KHARMA. I paid money to see this show, one of the few, and it was totally worth it.