In this day and age you can’t just “predict” a PPV anymore, you have to account for the capricious whims of WWE’s septuagenarian, sleep-deprived egomaniac owner. You can’t just “preview” a PPV…you have to preview how things should go, in a reasonable and sane world, and then add “so of course…” and explain what Vince McMahon will probably do instead.

LAST TIME ON SO OF COURSE, SmackDown put us in the Fast Lane to the biggest show of the year. All the B-PPV’s are behind us now, though. All that’s left is the big tuna. The grand-daddy: The seven hour extravaganza knows as…

Please accept YouTube cookies to play this video. By accepting you will be accessing content from YouTube, a service provided by an external third party.

If you accept this notice, your choice will be saved and the page will refresh.

That theme song is the closest New Jack will ever get to the WWE Hall of Fame.

As is customary, the show will be long and packed. So let’s not waste any more time. THIS is your SO OF COURSE preview of WWE WRESTLE SCRATCH THAT SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT

MANIA!

What number are we up to? It’s easy to lose track now that they’ve switched from Roman Numerals to gaudy logos. I just know this one as WRESTLEMANIA FLEUR DE LIS, not to be confused with that other New Orleans supershow: WRESTLEMANIA XXX, not to be confused with that Stormy Daniels video, not to be confused with WRESTLEMANIA 23.

On to the show!

PRESHOW BRUHAHA…

Expect plenty of action as the pre show will run two hours long. Also expect a sad looking stadium peppered with hundreds of people, while the near-hundred thousand remain outside in line, getting Barney Fife’d. No snarky Vince pics yet, since not even Vince watches the preshow…

ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL WITH CHEESE BROTHER JACK DUDE

A bunch of nothing happens, then Elias wins, setting up a thing with the Rock later in the night. The life-expectancy of that poor trophy is usually less than a month. I predict this one will not survive the night.

SO OF COURSE WWE will sign Gronk and give him the win to score that ~~sweet, sweet~~ cheap, cheap mainstream publicity.

CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNEY FINALS

As great as Cedric Alexander is, there is something special in Mustafa Ali, and WWE would be wise to capitalize on it. Give him the win and see if he can’t be the spark to take the (recently improved to the point of…dare I say, “must watch”) purple show to the next level.

SO OF COURSE WWE will sign Spike Dudley and let him win an impromptu Triple Threat.

NAME REDACTED WOMEN’S BATTLE ROYAL THAT SHOULD TOTALLY BE CALLED THE SENSATIONAL INVITATIONAL IN HONOR OF SHERRI MARTEL OR MAYBE THE WHEN YOU TRISH UPON A STAR IN THE STRATUSPHERE ROYAL

Becky Lynch needs this. She has had so many disappointing PPV finishes despite being such a critical part of the SmackDown women’s roster. Throw her a bone.

SO OF COURSE…Santina.

Please accept YouTube cookies to play this video. By accepting you will be accessing content from YouTube, a service provided by an external third party.

YouTube privacy policy

If you accept this notice, your choice will be saved and the page will refresh.

MA(I)N(SHOW)IA…

National Anthem!

Michael Cole.

MUSIC VIDEO TO GET YOU HYPED FOR THE SHOW

ding ding ding!

RANDY ORTON vs BOBBY ROODE vs JINDER MAHAL vs RUSEV

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “I remember when Randy Orton and Mohammad Hassan were young up-and-comers…I like the European guy….lol is that really Bobby Roode’s theme song? I love it.”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: A victory for Rusev, duh.

SO OF COURSE…

(that’s actually a typo that I found so accidentally funny I kept it in)

DANIEL BRYAN & SHANE McMAHON vs KEVIN OWENS & SAMI ZAYN

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “That bearded dude is the most popular guy on the show. Why isn’t he the top star?” and “Those two other bearded dudes are great. Why aren’t they the top heels?” and “Wait, those two guys are the bosses, and those two guys are fired…so why are they wrestling? I’ve never understood why you’d give someone you fired from wrestling the right to be rehired if they win a wrestling match; if you want them wrestling you wouldn’t have fired them.”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: Bryan going bananas then eating the pin, because as heartbreaking as it would be to see Bryan lose his big comeback, he’s still hot as the sun and Owens and Zayn need this. Not only do they need it in kayfabe, but they need the signature win to remain relevant as a tag team, and I really want them to be a team for a while. Don’t break up until next year, please.

SO OF COURSE…

THE USOS vs NEW DAY vs THE BLUDGEON BROS.

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “Those Samoans are awesome. That trio of nerds is awesome. That…what the heck are those guys supposed to be? JRPG mini-bosses?”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: A showcase for the Usos. That sounds weird to say, considering they’re the vets of the group, but this will be their first main-show WrestleMania appearance ever. Good for them. It only took them shedding their “Samoan Cenas” persona and finding their own voice. Suddenly they went from stale and boring to must-see. As great as New Day are, I’m ready for them to move on to something else (not break up, just transition out of an endless string of PPV matches with the Usos). The Bludgeon Bros. are just here because…the Andre Battle Royal was full?

SO OF COURSE…

ALEXA BLISS vs NIA JAX

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “wow she’s hot.” and “is that…Kharma?”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: Unfortunately, despite being a great champion, and really blossoming on the main-roster, this is the perfect time to end Alexa Bliss’ title run. It’s also a great match to cut short, since most Mania’s have that “x beats y in 10 seconds” nothingburger contest, usually because when they finally get around to plotting out the times of these things, someone realizes they have too many matches for even a SEVEN HOUR show. Something will have to give and the tiny people are already on the preshow. So Jax wins by sitting on Alexa and winning in seconds like when I play thumb wrestling with my children.

I literally just sit on them.

SO OF COURSE…

JOHN CENA vs THE UNDERTAKER

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “lol has John Cena ever changed his wardrobe in fifteen years?” (*gong*)…”oh how sad.”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: Eight minutes of Brrrappledough, stupid promo, boos, gong, Kid Rock, cheers, BikerTaker, staredown, cheap shot, five knuckle shuffle, boos, miss, snake-eyes, old school, chokeslam, big boot, leg drop, tombstone, last ride, 1-2-3, Kid Rock.

SO OF COURSE…

THE MIZ vs SETH ROLLINS vs FINN BALOR

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “I remember when the Miz would have been the least popular person in this scenario.”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: This generation’s Angle vs Benoit vs Guerrero from WrestleMania 2000. Fast, fun, with a satisfying finish that elevates all parties.

SO OF COURSE…

CESARO & SHEAMUS vs BRAUN STROWMAN & MYSTERY PARTNER

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “The last time I saw Cesaro was WrestleMania 30, when he looked like he’d be a world champion within a year. What happened?” (‘not that’ will come the reply). Also: “Wow that guy is big, he doesn’t even need a partner, or if gets one it should be like a really small person, not like Yoda but like…a Fraggle.”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: Braun either single-handedly winning the tag-titles, because that’s a fun story that would eat up a few months till he returns to the main-event scene where he belongs, or Braun and a very tiny (Fraggle, if you will) person winning the tag titles, which basically accomplishes the same goal but gives Strowman someone to play off for a few months and continue to show his great comedic timing.

SO OF COURSE…

KURT ANGLE & RONDA ROUSEY vs TRIPLE H & STEPHANIE McMAHON

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “Am I taking LSD right now? Is Ronda Rousey a time traveler gone back to SummerSlam 2000?”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: Triple H working over Kurt, Rousey working over Stephanie, and then for the love of all that is good, Rousey pantsing Triple H and armbarring Stephanie into submission.

SO OF COURSE…

CHARLOTTE vs ASUKA

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “Oh hey it’s a Flair.” followed by “That woman has murdered at least a flight attendant in her lifetime.”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: Ten minutes of Cory Graves shouting some variant of “that’s not fair to Flair!” Followed by a kick to the face and an Asuka victory. If they can pull it off, I’d love to see Asuka go coast to coast, undefeated until next Mania, to face an undefeated Ronda Rousey in the main-event. But that’s dependent on a lot of factors, not the least of which is Ronda successfully getting over. But that’s getting ahead of ourselves. Asuka winning is the only right call.

SO OF COURSE…

AJ STYLES vs SHINSUKE NAKAMURA

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “This is the main-event right? WWE Champion who is super popular, taking on…Ninja Michael Jackson. This is the main-event, right?”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: The main-event. Thirty minutes of…just do the New Japan match.

SO OF COURSE…

Go home. Show’s over folks. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

No? You’re staying? Okay…

BROCK LESNAR vs ROMAN REIGNS

WHAT YOUR NON-REGULAR WRESTLING FRIENDS WILL THINK: “We’re doing this again?!”

WHAT IT SHOULD BE: Not doing this again.

SO OF COURSE…

Oh well. There’s always ~~next year.~~ ten years from now.

Here’s to Sunday.

Think you can predict the outcome of each event?
Join TWO’s WWE Prediction League for your chance to win!

Cookie	Description
_pxvid	This cookie is used for detection of the browser and distinguishing whether it is a real user or malicious bot.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-advertisement	The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Advertisement".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics	This cookies is set by GDPR Cookie Consent WordPress Plugin. The cookie is used to remember the user consent for the cookies under the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary	This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-non-necessary	This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Non Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance	This cookie is used to keep track of which cookies the user have approved for this site.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-preferences	This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Preferences".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-uncategorized	The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Uncategorized".
CraftSessionId	This cookie name is associated with the Craft web content management system, where is functions as an anonymous session identifier.
csrftoken	This cookie is associated with Django web development platform for python. Used to help protect the website against Cross-Site Request Forgery attacks
DSID	To note specific user identity. Contains hashed/encrypted unique ID.
JSESSIONID	Used by sites written in JSP. General purpose platform session cookies that are used to maintain users' state across page requests.
PHPSESSID	This cookie is native to PHP applications. The cookie is used to store and identify a users' unique session ID for the purpose of managing user session on the website. The cookie is a session cookies and is deleted when all the browser windows are closed.
viewed_cookie_policy	The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.

Cookie	Description
b30msc
btc
CMST
cref
d
gpl
i
icts
ig_did
mdata
na_rn
na_sc_e
na_sr
na_srp
session_depth
visitor-id

Cookie	Description
__gads	This cookie is set by Google and stored under the name dounleclick.com. This cookie is used to track how many times users see a particular advert which helps in measuring the success of the campaign and calculate the revenue generated by the campaign. These cookies can only be read from the domain that it is set on so it will not track any data while browsing through another sites.
__stid	The cookie is set by ShareThis. The cookie is used for site analytics to determine the pages visited, the amount of time spent, etc.
_ga	This cookie is installed by Google Analytics. The cookie is used to calculate visitor, session, camapign data and keep track of site usage for the site's analytics report. The cookies store information anonymously and assigns a randoly generated number to identify unique visitors.
_gat_gtag_UA_60765351_1	Google uses this cookie to distinguish users.
_gid	This cookie is installed by Google Analytics. The cookie is used to store information of how visitors use a website and helps in creating an analytics report of how the wbsite is doing. The data collected including the number visitors, the source where they have come from, and the pages viisted in an anonymous form.
ad-id	Provided by amazon-adsystem.com for tracking user actions on other websites to provide targeted content
demdex	This cookie is set under the domain demdex.net and is used by Adobe Audience Manager to help identify a unique visitor across domains.
DigiTrust.v1.identity	Registers data on visitors’ website-behaviour. This is used for internal analysis and website optimization.
dmvk	This cookie is set by DailyMotion who display videos, it registers statistical data of visitors' behaviour on the website.
gid	This cookie is installed by Google Analytics. The cookie is used to store information of how visitors use a website and helps in creating an analytics report of how the wbsite is doing. The data collected including the number visitors, the source where they have come from, and the pages viisted in an anonymous form.
GPS	This cookie is set by Youtube and registers a unique ID for tracking users based on their geographical location
is_unique	This cookie is set by StatCounter to determine how people are using the website
is_visitor_unique	This cookie is set by StatCounter to determine how people are using the website
sc_is_visitor_unique	This cookie is set by StatCounter to determine how people are using the website
v1st	This is set by DailyMotion to display videos.

Cookie	Description
__asc	This cookie is used to collect information on consumer behavior, which is sent to Alexa Analytics.
__auc	This cookie is used to collect information on consumer behavior, which is sent to Alexa Analytics.
__qca	This cookie is associated with Quantcast and is used for collecting anonymized data to analyze log data from different websites to create reports that enables the website owners and advertisers provide ads for the appropriate audience segments.
_cc_aud	The cookie is set by crwdcntrl.net. The purpose of the cookie is to collect statistical information in an anonymous form about the visitors of the website. The data collected include number of visits, average time spent on the website, and the what pages have been loaded. These data are then used to segment audiences based on the geographical location, demographic, and user interest provide relevant content and for advertisers for targeted advertising.
_cc_cc	The cookie is set by crwdcntrl.net. The purpose of the cookie is to collect statistical information in an anonymous form about the visitors of the website. The data collected include number of visits, average time spent on the website, and the what pages have been loaded. These data are then used to segment audiences based on the geographical location, demographic, and user interest provide relevant content and for advertisers for targeted advertising.
_cc_dc	The cookie is set by crwdcntrl.net. The purpose of the cookie is to collect statistical information in an anonymous form about the visitors of the website. The data collected include number of visits, average time spent on the website, and the what pages have been loaded. These data are then used to segment audiences based on the geographical location, demographic, and user interest provide relevant content and for advertisers for targeted advertising.
_cc_id	The cookie is set by crwdcntrl.net. The purpose of the cookie is to collect statistical information in an anonymous form about the visitors of the website. The data collected include number of visits, average time spent on the website, and the what pages have been loaded. These data are then used to segment audiences based on the geographical location, demographic, and user interest provide relevant content and for advertisers for targeted advertising.
_kuid_	The cookie is set by Krux Digital under the domain krxd.net. The cookie stores a unique ID to identify a returning user for the purpose of targeted advertising.
_px2	This cookie is set by PerimeterX who provide security analyst oversight.
_pxff_tm	This cookie is set by PerimeterX who provide security analyst oversight.
_pxhd	This cookie is set by PerimeterX who provide security analyst oversight.
ab	This cookie is generally provided by agkn.com and is used for advertising purposes.
ad-privacy	Provided by amazon-adsystem.com for tracking user actions on other websites to provide targeted content to the users.
ayl_visitor	This cookie registers data on the visitor. The information is used to optimize advertisement relevance.
bafp	This cookie is from Media.net and is used to deliver targeted advertising across their network sites ensuring users see relevant advertising.
bafp_t	This cookie is from Media.net and is used to deliver targeted advertising across their network sites ensuring users see relevant advertising.
bfp_sn	This cookie is from Media.net and is used to deliver targeted advertising across their network sites ensuring users see relevant advertising.
bfp_sn_pl	This cookie is from Media.net and is used to deliver targeted advertising across their network sites ensuring users see relevant advertising.
bfp_sn_rf_8b2087b102c9e3e5ffed1c1478ed8b78	This cookie is from Media.net and is used to deliver targeted advertising across their network sites ensuring users see relevant advertising.
bfp_sn_rt_8b2087b102c9e3e5ffed1c1478ed8b78	This cookie is from Media.net and is used to deliver targeted advertising across their network sites ensuring users see relevant advertising.
bfp_sn_t_8b2087b102c9e3e5ffed1c1478ed8b78	This cookie is from Media.net and is used to deliver targeted advertising across their network sites ensuring users see relevant advertising.
bfp_sn_td_2d31c94105a0aa6d1ceaea0c86c6b656	This cookie is from Media.net and is used to deliver targeted advertising across their network sites ensuring users see relevant advertising.
bito	This cookie is generally provided by bidr.io and is used for advertising purposes.
bitoIsSecure	This cookies are generally provided by bidr.io and is used for advertising purposes.
bsc	The cookies is set by ownerIQ for the purpose of providing relevant advertisement
CMID	This cookie is linked to advertising and tracking the products users were looking at.
CMPRO	This cookie is linked to advertising and tracking the products users were looking at.
CMPS	This cookie is linked to advertising and tracking the products users were looking at.
dc_id	This cookie is used to deliver adverts more relevant to you and your interests. They are also used to limit the number of times you see an advertisement as well as help measure the effectiveness of the advertising campaign. They are usually placed by advertising networks with the website operator's permission. They remember that you have visited a website and this information is shared with other organisations such as advertisers.
did	The purpose of the cookie is to identify a visitor to serve relevant advertisement.
didts	The purpose of the cookie is to identify a visitor to serve relevant advertisement.
dpm	The cookie is set by demdex.net. This cookie assigns a unique ID to each visiting user that allows third-party advertisers target that users with relevant ads.
eud	This cookie is from Rocket Fuel and is used to deliver targeted advertising across their network sites ensuring users see relevant advertising.
euds	This cookie is from Rocket Fuel and is used to deliver targeted advertising across their network sites ensuring users see relevant advertising.
everest_g_v2	The cookie is set under eversttech.net domain. The purpose of the cookie is to map clicks to other events on the client's website.
evo5_popin_instance	Prevents an interaction from reoccurring for visitors not accepting 3rd party cookies.
id	This cookie is set by DoubleClick (which is owned by Google) to build a profile of the website visitor's interests and show relevant ads on other sites.
IDE	Used by Google DoubleClick and stores information about how the user uses the website and any other advertisement before visiting the website. This is used to present users with ads that are relevant to them according to the user profile.
io.narrative.guid.v2	This cookie is generally provided by io.narrative.io and is used for advertising purposes.
KADUSERCOOKIE	This cookie is generally provided by pubmatic.com and is used for advertising purposes.
KTPCACOOKIE	This cookie is generally provided by pubmatic.com and is used for advertising purposes.
matchliveramp	This cookie is provided by w55c.net and is used for advertising purposes.
mc	This cookie is associated with Quantserve to track anonymously how a user interact with the website.
mxpim	This cookie is generally provided by mxptint.net for advertising purposes.
na_tc	This is a Social Media sharing tracking cookie.
NID	This cookie is used to a profile based on user's interest and display personalized ads to the users.
nnls	The purpose of the cookie is to identify a visitor to serve relevant advertisement.
pxrc	The purpose of the cookie is to identify a visitor to serve relevant advertisement.
pxvid	This cookie is set by PerimeterX who provide security analyst oversight.
rlas3	The cookie is set by rlcdn.com. The cookie is used to serve relevant ads to the visitor as well as limit the time the visitor sees an and also measure the effectiveness of the campaign.

Cookie	Description
__jid	Cookies set on the website by the third-party commenting platform Disqus.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional
disqus_unique	These cookies are set by Disqus so that users can comment on website/platform.
G_ENABLED_IDPS	The cookie is used by Google and is used for Google Single Sign On.
mid	The cookie is set by Instagram. The cookie is used to distinguish users and to show relevant content, for better user experience and security.
na_id	This cookie is set by Addthis.com to enable sharing of links on social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter
ouid	The cookie is set by Addthis which enables the content of the website to be shared across different networking and social sharing websites.
ov	This is a generic functional cookie that provides enhanced functionality and personalisation.
ts	This cookie is generally provided by PayPal and supports payment services in the website.
vuid	These cookies are used by the Vimeo video player on websites.

Your SO OF COURSE preview of WWE WrestleMania 34

PRESHOW BRUHAHA…

ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL WITH CHEESE BROTHER JACK DUDE

CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNEY FINALS

NAME REDACTED WOMEN’S BATTLE ROYAL THAT SHOULD TOTALLY BE CALLED THE SENSATIONAL INVITATIONAL IN HONOR OF SHERRI MARTEL OR MAYBE THE WHEN YOU TRISH UPON A STAR IN THE STRATUSPHERE ROYAL

MA(I)N(SHOW)IA…

National Anthem!

Michael Cole.

MUSIC VIDEO TO GET YOU HYPED FOR THE SHOW

ding ding ding!

RANDY ORTON vs BOBBY ROODE vs JINDER MAHAL vs RUSEV

DANIEL BRYAN & SHANE McMAHON vs KEVIN OWENS & SAMI ZAYN

THE USOS vs NEW DAY vs THE BLUDGEON BROS.

ALEXA BLISS vs NIA JAX

JOHN CENA vs THE UNDERTAKER

THE MIZ vs SETH ROLLINS vs FINN BALOR

CESARO & SHEAMUS vs BRAUN STROWMAN & MYSTERY PARTNER

KURT ANGLE & RONDA ROUSEY vs TRIPLE H & STEPHANIE McMAHON

CHARLOTTE vs ASUKA

AJ STYLES vs SHINSUKE NAKAMURA

BROCK LESNAR vs ROMAN REIGNS

You might also like

FIND THE TOPICS YOU WANT...

Recommended for you