WYATTS VS. SHIELD!! JUSTICE VS. CHAOS!! EVIL VS. umm…well, EVIL!! (I guess?) Oh, and other stuff too apparently. But mainly WYATTS VS. SHIELD!! Get on it.
So have we all calmed down after the Rumble? WWE sure hit our collective rage button with that last PPV didn’t they? The apoplectic rage being displayed by some folks was unreal! I can honestly say I’ve never experienced anything like the backlash the Royal Rumble received (and admittedly I had my own fair share to say about it). And then on top of that Punk walks out? I’ve been kicked right in the feels by wrestling this last few weeks…repeatedly. Let’s see if this PPV can drag my broken heart out of the depths of wrestling despair and help us all find our smile again ahead of WrestleMania…
Kick Off Match
The Brotherhood vs. Rybaxel
Well sh*t. This immediately isn’t helping cheer me up. “RybAxel”? It sounds like something you take to combat erectile dysfunction, or constipation, something like that?
“Nobody likes to talk about constipation, but when you find yourself getting that awkward bloated feeling, try RybAxel for soft, predictable relief. Available over the counter at all good pharmacists.”
See? It fits! Which is strangely ironic (strictly in the Alanis Morrisette fashion) because a team with a name that sounds like a constipation cure are the physical embodiment of the term “drizzling sh*ts”. I could expound for hours on the reasons why I hate Curtis Axel and Ryback so much, but you don’t want to hear that. It’s just kinda staggering to me that the amount of hate I have for these guys has only multiplied since they started teaming. Instead of just being the sum of their “hatred parts”, this team of utter dross holes has somehow managed to find a way to manufacture even more hatred from me than I thought possible. Just…yeurgh.
As for the Rhodes Brothers, well we’re still waiting to see if they’re due to face off against each other at Mania, so it stands a good chance that is something is going to happen to spark that off, it should happen here. The only problem is that I most likely won’t see it since I refuse to inflict the horrors of RybAxel on my poor tortured little mind.
Oh, and keep an eye out for Ryback’s “Stepbrothers” themed onesie for this match. Because that will most likely be the most interested thing about the pair of humongous mongs.
Who I want to win: Cody & Goldie, because RybAxel should never win anything. Ever.
Who I think will win: RybAxel. Mainly to annoy me, but also because it seems to be the way things are likely to go if we are headed towards a Rhodes Family face-off at WrestleMania XXX.
Darren Young vs. Titus O’Neil
Say, how do you spell champion? Is it T-I-T-U-S? Because it damn sure wants to be. Rumours abound that Titus was the man to go to Vince with the idea of him turning on Darren and splitting the PTP, which is admittedly a rather ballsy move. Fortunately enough, I think Titus has the charisma required to pull it off. There’s just something entertaining about this guy:
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Titus O’Neil promos have been a source of absolute gold for me since the “washrag incident” on commentary last year. He kind of reminds me of the WWE’s version of Terry Crews. Which isn’t a bad thing at all. But if Titus is breaking out of his role in the PTP (and I can have my name back! Hurrah!) then what is to become of Darren Young? Dean made a good point on the TWO Community Podcast (CHEAP PLUG ALERT) saying that WWE won’t dispense of Young for fear of appearing biased against someone who has just come out as homosexual.
Personally I see Darren kicking around on Superstars and Main Event for a while with Creative not having much for him. I’d like to say it’s a shame, but then I thought back and honestly can’t remember a time where I’ve seen a Darren Young performance that showed any real potential?
With that in mind it only leaves one real result for tonight’s match…
Who I want to win: Titus. It’s time O’Neil became the “real deal” he’s spent so long talking about.
Who I think will win: It’s gotta be Titus, surely? Sorry Darren Young, but it looks like you’re the Jannetty in this situation.
Batista vs. Alberto Del Rio
No. I’m not writing about this. I refuse. I don’t see why I should put the effort into writing about Batista, when Batista can’t even put in the effort to look like he actually wants to be on Raw (when he is there). And what’s with him just lurking backstage like a creepy stalker? Part of thinks he’s taking this new “crazed war vet” gimmick a bit too far!
Seriously though, how boring is this gonna be? There’s been very little build on the shows other than Del Rio getting powerbombed, and Monday’s little shove-off. Speaking of shoving off, there’s been rumours that Del Rio may very well be done with WWE. Seems mutually beneficial to me? Del Rio’s obviously not happy so he can go back to Mexico, and I don’t have to see him anymore, which makes me happy too. Wow, I’ve just realised how much that whole “go back to Mexico” thing makes me sound like Zeb Colter. Yikes. Moving swiftly on…
Who I want to win: Meh.
Who I think will win: Dave. Because it’s Dave.
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
Big E © vs. Jack Swagger
So with the Langston now gone (if Twitter is to be believed, the Langston was sold for a Segway and two 40’s) Big E find himself defending his Intercontinental Title against Jack Swagger. Poor Jack Swagger. That dude’s being absolutely eclipsed right now by his own tag team partner, and is frankly struggling to keep up. Surely that’s another team that’s more than likely splitting up in the near future? Jeez, at this rate I’m gonna end up only having The Usos, RybAxel, Los Matadores & 3MB in my beloved tag team division. The horror…the horror…
My main concern at the moment is that I wish they’d let Big E showcase a bit more of his charismatic side on TV. Have you checked out this guy’s Twitter and Instagram accounts? Big E’s social media is absolute gold right now, and one of the most entertaining accounts from anyone involved in wrestling, let alone the WWE. When you’ve got a guy who’s got such a natural flair for being entertaining, then why not use that to your advantage? I understand WWE wanting to build Big E as some big badass character, but that’s not giving the fans anything to really connect with. Trust me, give Big E some mic time for a couple of weeks and you watch the crowd start to get onside. Add the 5 count gimmick in and I’m fairly certain you’ve got a big future in store for Big E.
Who I want to win: Big E. All day, every day.
Who I think will win: It’s got to be Big E. Surely this is just another match to build Big E as a dominant force?
WWE Tag Team Title Match
The New Age Outlaws © vs. The Usos
Oh look, it’s the match that I called last article! Looks like I wasn’t the only person to have the idea of putting the straps on the NAO solely to get them onto The Usos. And props to Road Dogg & Billy, they’ve played their role as cowardly, ducking champions superbly. Well, except for that time it looked like they were trying to Rohypnol Betty White. That was a bit weird.
I’m actually pretty hyped for this match. I’ve rated Jimmy & Jey for a long time, so it’s nice to see them finally being recognised as one of the best tag teams out there right now. And to their credit, they’ve lived up to that praise by putting in some of their best performances since their debut. There’s just something effortless about The Usos tag style that makes it a joy to behold. Superkicks, Samoans Drops, Diving Headbutts, they do a fantastic job of mixing old school Samoan offence into a more modern style, and I love every second of it.
On the latest episode of the Podcast, Fury said that he believes the NAO are coming out of this winners by nefarious means, leading to the title switch happening at WrestleMania. As cool as that would be, I’m afraid I’m awfully impatient, and The Usos are on the hot streak of their life. Surely it makes more sense for them to win the titles now, ready to set them up for a better WrestleMania defence? I wouldn’t be amazingly shocked if NAO retain by letting Jimmy and Jey get either a count-out or DQ victory, I’d just be kinda disappointed that we’d STILL be waiting for The Usos tag title reign that we all know they deserve.
Who I want to win: When I say “Uce”, y’all say “OOOOOO”!!
Who I think will win: The Usos are definitely winning the match, whether that’s by pinfall or submission remains to be seen…
The Wyatt Family vs. The Shield
Excuse me just one second…
*EMITS EAR-PIERCINGLY GIRLISH SHRIEK OF DELIGHT*
SHIELD VS. WYATTS!! YESS!! Good grief, I don’t think my excitement valve can contain much more of the hype and anticipation I’m feeling for this match. Two of my favourite things about current WWE facing off in what is most likely to be a brutally hard-hitting war? Yes please WWE, in fact here, just take my money.
I’ll be honest, this PPV is all about this match for me. Sure I’m stoked to see Cesaro swing some b*tches in the Chamber, but this match…this match has the potential to be one of the greatest things seen in the WWE for years. You know why? Because it’s been built right. The tension between both of these teams over the past few weeks has been immense, and the promo work from both sides to back this up has been absolutely phenomenal and crammed full of quotable sound bites that only enhance the feud. “I will use your broken bones to path the road to my Kingdom” anyone? Come on, are you seriously trying to tell me that isn’t a great line?
The one thing that amazes me here is how all 6 men have managed to tell a story by just staring each other out. Seriously, take a look…
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That clip right there tells you everything you need to know. It tells you that Reigns has stepped up to “lead” The Shield, it tells you Rowan and Harper are beholden unto the every word of Bray Wyatt. It tells you that The Shield has no fear of the enemy, regardless of how creepy they may be. Just a great bit of hype work from both sides without a single word being spoken into a microphone. Whoever booked this needs a raise. And then another one. And then possibly some kind of medal.
But who’s going to come out the winner in this titanic battle? Hmmm, well this is where it could get interesting. The general consensus seems to be that The Shield are another team that are heading down the rocky road to Splitsville, but I’m not so sure. Logic dictates that if there are to be “cracks in The Shield” then miscommunication causing a loss to the Wyatts may well be the ignition to get this all underway. The only booking I can see to make that work means that Dean Ambrose has to do something crazy that ends up costing his team the match. We saw on Monday’s Raw that Ambrose is coming more and more of an unknown quantity to Reigns and Rollins, but will that wildside of Ambrose be the very thing to lead to the Shield’s downfall?
Part of me thinks yes it will, and this could be the beginning of the end of The Shield. But part of me absolutely loves this “family” dynamic between The Shield, where they all treat each other like brothers. They argue, they wind each other up something fierce, they have times where they may not see eye to eye and come to blows, but at the end of the day they’re brothers who look out for each other. So feel free to tease tension in The Shield, but also don’t be scared to let them stay together. There’s still plenty for Reigns, Rollins & Ambrose to do together, don’t slingshot a split angle just for the hell of it.
Incidentally, this is my pick for match of the night. Two “families” fighting to show who the superior force is? I could watch that until the cows come home!!
Who I want to win: For possibly the first time ever, I genuinely don’t care who wins the match, I’m just happy to sit back and enjoy the ride.
Who I think will win: Damn. That’s like asking “which one’s your favourite child?” I don’t know if I can pick between them. Let’s say The Wyatts, based on Ambrose doing something crazy like the loose cannon he is. Boy is Roman gonna be mad with him…
Elimination Chamber for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Randy Orton © vs. Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena vs. Sheamus vs. Christian vs. Cesaro
Alright. So Daniel Bryan didn’t even get a spot in the Rumble, let alone win the damn thing. It’s okay, I’ve made my peace with that (regardless of the tweets I was sending out on the night). I’m just gonna take a deep breath and move on.
This is one helluva stacked Chamber on paper, the only person who looks slightly out of place here is Christian, which begs the question “is Christian going to make it to the Chamber?” Remember the year Edge took Kofi out during his entrance, only to replace him and go on to win the match and the Title? Something in my gut is telling me that someone could be looking to do the same thing to Christian, but who? I really, REAAAAALLY want it to be Brock. We all know Brock is getting impatient waiting for his title shot, so could we see him interject himself into the Chamber match somehow? It would kind of strangely poetic to have had Christian talking about being “the most dangerous Christian ever” (my personal vote goes to the Spanish Inquisition…dangerous Christians, geddit?) only for the legitimate “most dangerous man in WWE” to wipe him out in epic fashion and claim his chamber spot.
Could Dave jump the gun and interject himself into the match. I imagine Del Rio isn’t going to be much of a supposed “workout” for him, so would he have enough left in the tank to hijack the CLB’s Chamber spot? Good lord I hope not, but you never know?
As for the match itself, well it definitely benefits from being the only Chamber match on the card this year. Previous years have always felt a little diluted with 2 chamber matches, especially because it always feels that at least one or two of the competitors have been thrown in there from left field mainly as space fillers.
Although if you want to talk about Chamber entrants coming in from left field, then how about Cesaro (minus the Antonio, since that’s not a “tough guy name”…Kon’nichiwa Onoki-sama, anata wa dono yō ni shi teru no?) running riot over the last couple of weeks? Now anyone with eyes and a brain has been able to see that Cesaro is one hell of a talented guy, the man has been putting on epic match after epic match across all four corners of WWE television. 15 minute Superstars clinic? Check. Main Event sprint? Check. Beating the champion on Smackdown and looking damn impressive while doing it? Check. Dropping a damn near 5 star performance against Cena on Raw? You better believe it. It genuinely warms my heart to see Cesaro getting the recognition he so fully deserves, and I totally would be down for him to shock the world and walk out of this match as champion. I know it’s a long shot, but it could be soooo good.
So who are we looking at to win the Chamber tonight? We can instantly count out Cena, Sheamus, and most likely Christian (if he makes it in there). As much as I’d personally love it, it is too soon to put the strap on Cesaro, which leaves us with Orton and Bryan. The Indy fanboy in me is somewhat blinkered in it’s insistence that Daniel Bryan is made champion now, but the sensible side of my brain is screaming at me that Randy is gonna retain and the Mania Main Event plans are gonna continue on unaltered and as boring as we all feared.
A piece of me wants this to end in some kind of screwy finish that forces Bryan into the Mania Main Event and turns it into a Triple Threat…what? A guy can dream can’t he? Let’s make some predictions…
Who I want to win: Daniel Bryan. You owe us for the Rumble WWE, make it happen.
Who I think will win: I’m guessing Orton’s gonna retain. But that’s just soooo boring.
And there you have it. Elimination Chamber is a few short hours away, so why not distract yourself for a while by reading the other fine articles here, or how about leaving us a comment below? You could even go sign up for free at TalkWhateverOnline.com and join in the discussion over on our forums? If you were feeling really adventurous you could even go and check out the predictions made by Dean and myself on the TWO Community Podcast, as well as listen to us talk about Avatar Monkeys, Conspiracy Theories, and even the occasional bit of wrestling.
Usually this is where I’d be saying I’ll see you next month, but unfortunately (for you, not me) when the next PPV rolls around I’ll actually be in New Orleans to watch it live! I’ll be leaving you in the safe hands of another of Wrestling101’s writers next month, so be nice to them, and I’ll be back soon to tell you all about my adventures in America with the Podcast Crew and some of TWO’s finest!
