The Redman Report: WWE Raw 20/2/12: Broskis Before Hoeskis

Now the Elimination Chamber is done, we officially kick off the Road to Wrestlemania. To say the least. Also, jezebels.

Eve! Is a heel bitch! I love the absurdity of her just calmly laying out her Evil Genius plan to the Bellas backstage. What I loved even more was the Bellas acting MILDLY INDIGNANT that Eve would be such a whore. The Bellas. Anyway, Eve did well here turning on a dime and I can actually buy her as an intelligent manipulative heel because she’s so well spoken. The “Cena’s listening right behind you” was campy fun too.

Now its time for Trish to bark like a dog. I’m kidding, but I can imagine the internet outrage already and it makes me laugh. In all seriousness, considering the amount of storyline they had to go through here I thought it was really good. Cena finds out Eve is an evil heel bitch, he’s angry that she used him, that she used Zack, and most importantly that she broke up their Broski friendship for her own lame selfish ends. So he does what everyone does when they’re burned by a woman – calls her a skank and a ho(eski) and implies a sexually transmitted disease.

Eve breaking down in tears here was kind of weird but the more I think about it the more it makes sense to me. This is Eve, a lifelong babyface. Today is her first day at acting like a heel (even though she was using them she acted like a babyface to work everybody – now she’s out in the open). Her plan at the start of the show was seemingly to continue pursuing Cena and using him to further her career, but her plan was ruined when Cena heard everything and rejected her. So now there she is, in the middle of the ring, exposed completely as a using bitch, rejected by her meal ticket, left without a friend, and with Cena and the entire crowd calling her names she’s never had to deal with before. For someone with a history of being a heel, that might be fine and you’d shrug it off or play it up, but to Eve, a woman who has always been a babyface, always been Cena’s friend, to have been so suddenly exposed as a heel, so suddenly subject to such ridicule, its overwhelming, and she breaks down. Maybe she isnt cut out for being a heel bitch? Maybe she realises she made a big mistake? Maybe the prospect of what being a heel bitch entails is finally hitting her and she cant handle it? I really liked the idea of it all, that she’s a real human being reacting to a former friend and thousands of people calling her really nasty things. I’d cry too, even if I had brought it upon myself.

The only weird thing about it is that Eve breaking down so completely made her look kind of pathetic which in turn made Cena’s taunts seem kind of mean spirited, but whatever, she did bring it upon herself. I just hope to God they do something with her going forward because I’m already enjoying Eve as a heel. If they capitalise on her momentum she could really be the new Lita to Zack’s Matt for quite a while.

Sheamus vs Henry! Yes please. That was pretty great for a short nothing match right there. Finish was especially cool. These guys work so well together and this needs to be a title feud on Smackdown post-Mania.

But this is #1 tonight of Why I Hate Supershows, because Henry losing clean in the second quarter of a show to no consequence is some serious bullsh*t. Thats a SD main event right there, the previously unstoppable Henry taking on WM main eventer Sheamus in a rubber match to carry on from their pivotal (and tied) feud last year. Not to mention that – apart from Show at TLC – this was Henry’s ONLY clean loss since JUNE. And its in a nothing segment on Raw in about 3 minutes for no reason. Smackdown deserves better than this.

Teddy burning Ace and Otunga backstage was fun. And Ace’s awesomely smug “Have you ever noticed how much taller I am than you?” was INCREDIBLE. I’m still kind of dreading this GMs feud but as an inadvertent way to get Teddy more over as a babyface (“TEDDY” chants), and a way for them to burn each other backstage, I’m all for it.

Kofi and Truth sounds like some good fun. If they bothered doing things like this anymore, I’d be so hyped for some backstage skits with Truth being Truth and Kofi playing straight man. Anyway, I enjoyed the tag match and look forward to this as a tag title feud. With as many matches as possible on SD, thank you.

Ron Simmons. Cool. If it means JBL giving a speech in public I might have to track down the HOF this year.

Jericho’s promo was so God damn lame. He’s just a whole bunch of nothing. Couldnt possibly care. They sure undersold the hell out of the concussion angle as well – “Oh, lets just throw these guys in a battle royal.”

My vision of Otunga as an updated, semi-active wrestler Coach means that I have no time for him winning a normal match so easily. But this was amazingly OK for what it was and Otunga has pulled off a remarkable turnaround as a worker. And poor Zeke has dropped off the face of the earth. I hope he isnt doomed because I will miss his entrance music like crazy.

Emo Taker on the way! I’m kidding, I love you Taker.

I have to say, I was not digging his promo a whole lot pre-Hunter. It was one of those promos a guy cuts where he spends 5-10 minutes saying absolutely nothing, and you’re sitting there waiting for him to remember what his point was. He kind of rambled about nothing and said way too many things that didnt sound like Taker. Also, f*ck the people chanting “WHAT” at the f*cking Undertaker. Morons.

But Jesus, I dont often say this but Hunter came out to promo and BUSINESS JUST PICKED UP. Amazing stuff. Taker just immediately cutting him off and calling BS on his lame excuses and crap and just calling him out like a man, while Hunter clings to his “bad for business” talking point even after all that. The usually provocative word “coward” doesnt work. BUT, Taker finally finds the button that makes Hunter snap and give in – the ever-present rivalry with Shawn Michaels, the idea that he’s better than Hunter. Its great continuity because thats what their feuds were always about, being the “better man”, and here, after beating Shawn countless times, after Shawn is long gone, and after he got closer to ending the Streak than Shawn could ever dream of, there’s still Taker standing here saying that Shawn was better than him.

A great moment was when Hunter here went into his “I know I can end you!” speech he’s been repeating for weeks, and in your mind you’re thinking “Well prove it then” and suddenly the crowd bursts into a “PROVE IT!” chant and makes the self-evident point perfectly clear. And so finally he gives in and accepts, except HELL IN A CELL! With all of the “end you” talk I was expecting a retirement stip, so this is much better and really makes The Rematch intriguing as a match, since following last year’s total war with a straight match, or even another brawl might not have worked. Super pumped for Taker to freaking MAUL this guy at Mania.

Bryan vs Santino was good for a minute of work, and the finish was smooth as f*ck, but this is a big #2 Why I Hate Supershows. Once again, nothing on SD is allowed to breathe, and once again a SD main eventer is working a death quarter on Raw in a 60 second nothing match. Also, way to job Santino after the Chamber. It wont hurt him, but God, it doesnt help either. Give the guy a week, Jesus.

Man, even I watched this match and thought “What a waste of time.” No point whatsoever. At least put Beth on TV if you’re going to do something with her for Mania.

OK. OK, I need to pause and regroup a little now, because that John Cena promo was

SO
MUCH
MOTHER
F*CKING
MONEY.

I’m still buzzing. Dont even know where to find the words really, that sh*t was awesome. If you’re not excited for Rock and Cena again after that, just get the hell out. John freaking Cena, my word. The man has been having this ridiculous soap opera feud for 2 months, pissing everybody off, but suddenly its Mania season and BAM, just like that. F*ck all y’all.

That was just a super great promo. The “you left and keep leaving” aspect of Cena’s POV in this feud is the best part; Cena always looks like he really, really means it when he says it, which is half the battle. The moment where he went all “you’re gonna have to kill me to beat me” was incredible, he really did well grounding everything in the actual match, and the idea that he desperately wants to win it. Its one of the biggest complaints about Cena’ character, and one that I actually agree with, that he often seems not to care about winning and losing. Well, he cares. He really cares. I’m so pumped.

I also love how the more serious and angry Cena is, the blacker his accent gets.

So anyway, another random guy main event after a segment I cared far too much about. But to their credit I actually quite enjoyed the battle royal. Punk was good on commentary with his wacky blazer and wacky shoutouts. The epically long Kofi/Truth/Miz sequence was really cool, and then they turn around into BIG SHOW and get Double Chokeslammed, I laughed. Santino eliminating Barrett, and then Truth and people just going APESH*T was amazing once again. Then all hell done broke loose – Dolph got TOSSED and KILLED by the announce table, Barrett broke his arm and started swearing because he knew he was f*cked, then Kofi took a horrible tumble over the stairs, then Santino was tossed ONTO BARRETT’S BROKEN ARM. This match was just cursed. I also booed and BOOED when Jericho tossed Kofi because I am so back in love with Kofi. Also Santino, but Cody eliminating him like a dick, and then screwing Show after he was eliminated was good stuff. Quite a good stretch, if you ignore all of the weird dangerous bumps. And what a great show. Really getting into Mania now as the card takes shape, which is all one can ask from the kick off show.