The Redman Report: WWE Smackdown 6/1/12: “Teddydore Long”

Its a New Year, and as is the custom now we start the year with a few big title matches. Get ready for Cody/Booker, Bryan/Show and, no spoilers, but MARK HENRY on commentary. Is there nothing this man cant do?

So, this is the first of the handful of shows of 2012 to actually open with a match. I kid, SD does every so often, its only Raw that cant manage it. ANYWHO, Cody vs Booker was actually really good, easily the best match they’ve had and a good opener. The ongoing chop battle through this match ruled. Early on Cody was thrown over and skinned the cat only to turn around in a clothesline over the top anyway, I loved the HELL out of that – classic heel spot. Cody also looked really good on offense beating the crap out of Booker, and Booker himself was good at never letting Cody run away with it. The final minutes ruled. Cody going for the Beautiful Disaster, and Booker getting the hell out of the way, because they both know that Cody beat Booker with it the first time. Booker keeps going for the Scissors Kick (shades of Alicia) and he finally NAILS IT but Cody KICKS OUT. That was a great nearfall because even I bought it. Booker tries again (taking his own advice: “hit it again dawg!”) but Cody takes his chance to hit the BD and game over. Booker fought hard, and Cody looked great kicking out of his finish and pinning him clean off his first shot. Really great work all round.

And hell, I need Booker back doing commentary ASAP.

More Cody and Goldust stuff, yes! This should be fun.

Zack replacing himself on SD with Santino is great news. No offense to Zack, but Santino is comedy gold and he already earned his salary here. “Teddydore Long” made me laugh far too much, and he was great selling Aksana’s music and being booked against Drew. My poor Drew 🙁

Wow. I missed him last week, but wow. Daniel Bryan: Giant Ass Douchebag. I take it back, this does have potential after all.

Could not have possibly cared less about Hornswoggle and Slater re-creating their Rumble spot. I hope he’s not in the Rumble, I didnt mind last year, but there’s no need to see it again. And Gabes with the save! They did the “right into your living room!” cam for the 450, which was cool, and Slater and Gabes working together sounds delicious.

Ted vs Hunico was a fun short match. For a Samoan Camacho has a good fake Hispanic homie accent. This was good with Ted’s babyface fighting and Hunico’s arm work leading to his CRAZY COOL wacky lucha arm-trapped rollup. Smackdown is IWRG! God, I hope not. Anyway, thats a great, unique finish.
I have to mention, somewhere here they had a Tale of the Tape for Bryan/Show, and they listed Bryan as 5’10”. Really. My mother has never spent much time dissecting the inaccuracies of kayfabe, she took one look at that and asked “How can he possibly be 5’10”?” They really should have stuck to 5’8″ or something a little more realistic. I’m 5’10” and I’m not sure that Bryan comes up to my knees.

Barrett is great. He was so convincing gloating about Orton and declaring that he will win the Royal Rumble easily, before ITS A SHAME FOR THEY, LOST THEIR HEADS! This is gonna be awesome. I like Sheamus’ “old Irish tales” promo style, he just needs to slow down half a step so he’s crystal clear. F*CK. F*CK. There is nothing I wanted to happen right now less than Jinder f*cking Mahal coming out. F*ck this guy. Why he isnt in a tag team with his stupid face and Akiyama tribute act learning how to not suck for at least 6 months is beyond me. It worked for Otunga.

Anyway, I’m glad Barrett was left standing at the end here, he really has some momentum here. And doing this angle and then announcing Sheamus/Jinder for next week gives this all a nice pace at least. I was expecting “Now hold on a minute playa!” all throughout this segment.

Poor Drew. Even with his constant burial, he’s badass enough and Santino has so little credibility as a wrestler that my mother was convinced he had to win here. Sadly, I knew better. However, Drew at least looked BEASTLY AS F*CK destroying the sh*t out of Santino. His strikes rule, and the LARIAT he threw after being rolled up was awesome. He also made the finish somewhat work by posting himself so hard. But man, poor Drew. If they really can him I’m going to f*cking punch someone, the man is Top 5 in this company.

So next week is the decider. Hopefully he wins and kickstarts something, or else, well, fist is cocked and ready.

Tell you what, “The Talented” Rosa Mendes is just about the greatest nickname in the history of Dis Biz-Ness. Anyway, Los Nuevos Colons vs Air Boom was another fun tag match of theirs. I love Bourne countering the snapmare by landing on his feet, thats cool as hell. Still love the Colons’ jumping tags. Stretch was fun and the finish was great and very well done. Looking forward to their next title match.

Show and Bryan The Giant Ass Douchebag backstage was fun. Show was overconfident enough for Bryan to take offense and start going off all in Show’s face. Show puts his hand on his shoulder, in a nice way, and Bryan is all “Get your motherf*cking hand off my motherf*cking shoulder!” Well, without swearing obviously. But this was fun and suddenly we’ve progressed beyond light-hearted annoying tension and arrived at serious, hostile tension. Cant wait.

I like them turning Nattie vs Tamina into El Hija del Anvil vs El Hija de Superfly. I also like them trying Tamina out as the female Snuka with the Samoan offense and the Superfly Splash. She looks remarkably good physically so hopefully she gets somewhere. Also full credit to Nattie for coming out pissed she was turned on last week and taking Tamina down and pounding her.

Show vs Bryan became great before either of them even came out because MARK HENRY IS ON COMMENTARY. I can already tell this is gonna rule.

And it did. Starting off with the cat-and-mouse big/little stuff, and Show lifting Bryan up to deliver headbutts was great. MARK HENRY was also UNBELIEVABLE on commentary, by the way. Just let me get all this out first. He was unbelievable. Saying Bryan wouldnt last 2 minutes against the Big Show he faced. Being a badass and yelling “Get back in the ring!” anytime either of them was knocked to the floor. Anytime either of them looked like they’d win he’d say “I got no problem beating up _____ again!” Perhaps most importantly he yelled at Cole to shut the f*ck up and Cole said “Yes sir” and shut the f*ck up. Marry me Mark Henry!

Anyway, the match was great too. Really. It got great when Bryan managed to start fighting back, but all the while he kept running into DEATH, like coming off the top into a chop, or running the ropes into a SPEAR. Bryan f*cking ATE this Spear, Jesus, and it was a HELL of a nearfall. At this point Henry, who had been bagging both guys the whole match, got serious and was all “I got to give it to Bryan there…for him to kick out of that…he’s got something.” MARRY ME. Anyway then Show goes for the Chokeslam but Bryan goes right into the guillotine! At this point, man, Show’s face is turning PURPLE and Bryan’s mouth is filled with blood, and its sure turned into one hell of a battle. As soon as Show looks likely to escape he transitions into the LeBell for more struggling, but eventually Show TOSSES Bryan away. Show manages to get up and signal for the KO Punch and Bryan realises he’s F*CKED and bails out of the ring (Henry: I would never roll out of the ring like that!), gets in Henry’s face and Henry shoves him away. After a second Bryan realises what happened, signals for the DQ, gets it, he survives, Show is f*cked.

This was some epic Soon To Be Heel Genius. Henry is such a crazy badass monster heel, talking sh*t all night, that it seemed perfectly natural for him to touch anyone who got in his face. Bryan realised his best shot in that match didnt work, Show was ready to KO him and he knew the jig was up, so he bailed and DQ’d himself to safety. Show survived Bryan’s flurry, was primed and ready to win the title back, and he was completely screwed, by Bryan and by Henry. Three-way here we come! Just such great work with that finish, to top off a great match. 2012, I love you already.