The Redman Report: WWE Smackdown 13/1/12: THE FUNK HAS LANDED.

I stated my wish for the FUNK to come to SD yesterday, and I didnt have long to wait. Also, the Bryan/Show/Henry saga continues, to say the least.

Bryan and Henry was a fun opening here. Bryan’s overbearing pretend-honourable stuff is getting good, and Henry was, well, Henry. Best in the World. He also got a hell of a lot of cheers for standing up to Bryan here, which is interesting. A face turn isnt the way to go but there’s a really great dynamic between all three guys right now. Henry faced the winner of whatever shenanigans ensue in the main event. Excellent.

Gabes vs Slater was…a little strange, if only because Slater completely dominated Gabes until he was screwed by the babyfaces. But Slater actually looked really good on offense, and Gabes HITTING A RANA FROM HIS BACK is the best spot I’ve seen in a good while.

Backstage, AJ tells Bryan that she loves him. If anything meant anything in wrestling anymore this would be a huge moment. Anyway, I enjoyed it. Especially since Bryan didnt say anything back.

Cody’s Southwest border promo was fun. Popped for the Ultimate Warrior shoutout. He looked pretty good beating Zeke too. I liked Booker crying out when Cody first went for the BD, and they teased the finish and then got to it nicely.

Santino and Otunga. Sounds like a pretty good update of Eugene vs Coach, and my Otunga as Coach metaphor continues.

Poor Drew. There’s something vaguely sinister about the presumably insider, wink wink aspect of all the “I’m paying you so much money and you suck” talk. And a complete nonsense too, since Drew is awesome.

Drew vs Ted was a decent short match anyway. I could watch Drew LARIATING THE F*CK out of fools jumping off the top rope until the end of days. He also looked good killing Ted on the outside early. But man this makes me sad. Hunico and Camacho did a decent account of themselves on commentary as well, and they could do worse than running with Ted/Hunico for a minute.

Its kind of amusing how they’re building Sheamus vs Jinder up so much, when Sheamus has squashed him a few times already and squashed him in a tag match on Monday. And, thankfully, he just beat the crap out of him and pinned him once again. Great rivalry.

Santino vs Otunga disappointed me as a comedy match, but was fine as a normal match. Also, whoever decided to have Otunga as a personality on Raw while he works matches on SD with less eyes on him deserves a huge raise. Anywho, I like him using the…Air Raid Crash or whatever the hell it is. Probably better than the uranage slam.

AJ pleading with Show not to kill Bryan tonight was a nice touch, and Bryan coming up all obnoxious overprotective boyfriend was great. And now shenanigans. The idea of Bryan turning to AJ, the only person on the roster smaller than he is, for protection in his match is too absurdly awesome.

OH MY GOD THE FUNK IS ON NEXT! Greatest news ever.

DA FUNKASAURUS! He’s funny because he so clearly has no idea how to dance, no rhythm, but he tries anyway because he’s THE FUNKASAURUS. Tyson looking bewildered was great, as was him coming in and immediately getting CRUSHED AND PINNED. Like, bell rings, headbutt, crossbody, pin, bell rings. We got solo dances from the girlies post-match. Man I am so glad to have some Naomi back in my life. Anyway, FUNKASAURUS is the greatest thing ever.

WAIT. I was wrong.

Teddy Long singing and dancing to “Somebody Call My Momma” is the greatest thing ever. Teddy, Dancing Fool. For once they actually built well to the double entendre joke and delivered.

Tamina vs Nattie was just a rinse and repeat Rematch from last week. But the three moves they got in here were pretty cool. Also, they’re going hard out with El Hija Del Snuka now, with new music, new leopard print outfit, new Snuka hand-signing. If she gets a title program out of it, good.

Barrett cut another good promo about nothing, but more importantly, Barrett vs Sheamus, next week. Book your tickets, its gonna rule.

Bryan vs Show II was quite…something. The match itself was a pretty fun battle, with Bryan throwing every shot he had at Show, and Show CHOPPING THE F*CK out of him at any opportunity. He also SPEARED THE F*CK out of him coming off the top, Batista-to-Elijah style. If I had any complaints, I feel like Show took too many chairshots for too little damage (there were probably more than 15 or 20 chairshots in total) but I couldnt really hate since they were really selling the story of Show being a giant unstoppable monster and Bryan having no hope whatsoever of beating him clean.

WOAH THAT WAS GENIUS.

AJ got DRILLED. She ‘only’ took basically a Big Show Shoulder Block on the floor, but she’s like a 30 lbs. woman being run over by the giant 500 lbs. Big Show, and hey, she took a hell of a bump, so it worked really, really well. I like the way they sold it – everyone just sort of stopped and stood there, unsure of what to do, and commentary had no idea what to say and just shut the hell up. Then the medico checks her and calls for the stretcher job and they both realise more and more that she might be really hurt. Show loses it and actually starts crying. Bryan rushes over to her, and finally turns to Show and stays WAILING at him about being a big stupid giant and almost killing his girlfriend. And Show is just DISTRAUGHT. He’s SOBBING, he’s so upset that he almost killed AJ. This man who two minutes ago was being a BAD ASS MOTHERF*CKER and no-selling a million chairshots, is now openly weeping on TV. A Greatest Man in the World performance, this was.

The crowd was great here with the “She’s O-K!” chant. Yes, they really chanted this. Bryan’s line about “If the title means that much to you, you can have it!”, as if Show did it on purpose, that was great. And “you…are a BASTARD!” A word like that, in the age of WWE PG language, that was awesome and really effective. Once again, Show is so beside himself with guilt over it that he cant even get mad at Bryan for cussing him out. I felt so sorry for Show by the end, and sort of Bryan as well since his girlfriend did just almost die (until of course its revealed that he was behind it all), and the non-finish totally worked once again.

That was a seriously cool angle and I cannot WAIT for the fallout. This angle has been so great.

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