The Redman Report: WWE Raw 7/12/11: Wrestling is fake, LULZ.

Raw is usually good, but wow, this was a swing and a miss. A swing for “wrestling is fake, matches dont matter and lets deconstruct everything you’re supposed to invest in and see if you care at the end”. Cant believe that one missed. Warning: Cranky Redman inside.

I understand that its necessary for the angle, but there’s only so many times even I can hear the Cena “Respect Your Right To Say It” speech. Its a shame about Alberto. He’s going to have to recover from the bullsh*t title reigns, hell, recover from his entire Raw run really, there’s a shock. But watching him now he’s so painfully…eh. And he was one of the most exciting guys in FOREVER when he arrived. F*ck Raw. Same for Miz, only moreso. The goofy bug-eyed “mean” face he insists on constantly making is just laughably bad and he comes across so badly these days.

So, I f*cking HATED this segment. A whole bunch of horrible, horrible “wrestling is fake” nonsense. You’re boring, you’re not a ratings draw, you need a manager to get heel heat, you used to have a jobber gimmick, I deserve a title because I’m more entertaining than you. I mean, f*ck off. I dont want to hear that sh*t on TV, F*CK OFF. It was already going badly and when Miz came out with the line about Vickie getting Dolph “a reaction” I wanted to punch someone. F*ck off. Save it for the booking meeting, assholes.

I have to say though, the irony of John Cena not being impressed with Alberto’s claim to another title shot after being cheated against in the previous one was amazing. “He only beat me one time” level amazing. I laughed forever.

See, I was actually intrigued by the show’s premise, its different from the usual “book everyone in the main event” fare and a nice twist on the seemingly-due Beat the Clock concept. Of course Smackdown is the rightful home of BTC and I hope it stays that way. ANYWHO, my point is that I was intrigued, but that was before I remembered that this is a tournament for Raw.

THREE MINUTE NOTHING MATCHES.

F*CK OFF.

Honestly. Orton/Miz was nothing, as soon as it started I thought “Miz will win by countout” and thats exactly what happened. Miz is a loser as always, Orton is a Stupid Babyface, and I am still unhappy.

It doesnt normally bother me but I seem to be cranky today so what the hell. It pisses me off when Zack’s petition comes up and you get Cole, Ace, people saying he doesnt deserve a shot just because of a petition, you need to win matches, blah blah. HE PINNED DOLPH MULTIPLE TIMES ON TV, THATS WHY HE DESERVES A TITLE SHOT. He isnt getting the shot he deserves from results, so he’s taking it to the fans to try and get their attention. Its easy for me to understand since I’m watching too closely, but they never point out the facts.  They’ve decided he’s a goof who sucks, so they all act as if he’s done nothing to earn it, when if you actually pay attention to your own booking, he has. This is the downside to Lawler being so unprepared because you really need him to point this out as the voice of, well, semi-reason.

Which is another point. F*CK COLE.

Anyway, I did actually like the backstage segment, Cena being a Zack fanboy and Ace being an evil genius forcing them to fight each other against their will for their respective title shots.

Nash and Hunter in a Sledgehammer on a Pole Match. Essentially. Thats pretty hilarious in its way, but the thought of those guys having to have a ladder match is terrifying.

Happy to see that Cole keeps up his long-standing tradition of completely ruining any Bryan vs Alberto match ever with his bullsh*t. My God. Also, another 3 minute nothing match, another geek. Ah, Raw.

I actually thought the ‘It Begins’ video interrupting a video package was boss as hell. Thats a great idea. If I didnt know any better I’d now think it was Kharma, but, well, I know better.

Wow, this show is just determined to make me hate it. I can handle a lot of what they do to these girls, but these girls Raw matches are doing my head in. Heels get 30-60 seconds of heat, babyface rolls them up for the immediate pin. EVERY SINGLE F*CKING TIME. F*ck you.

And again with the Raw matches. If Zack had put up a fight against Cena, if they’d had even 12 minutes to tell the story of Cena working him over as he should, Zack fighting back and actually getting nearfalls on Cena before he lost, showing that he has what it takes and impressing Cena even more, THAT would have put Zack over in losing. Instead, Zack hits moves for 5 minutes before he gets pinned, just like every other geek who loses a match on Raw in 5 minutes. There was no heat, because how suspensful is Zack getting ‘nearfalls’ on Cena 3 minutes into a match? This needed time to really work. This is why I hate Raw.

Having said that, I liked what happened next. Zack devastated that he had his chance and just lost to Cena like that, and Cena so distraught by his little buddy that he marches backstage right to Ace and cuts a HELL of a promo about giving Zack the chance he’s earned. So Ace, the evil genius, turns it around on Cena and tells him to give up his own title shot to get it. Cena, in the heat of the moment, says hell, he’s won ten world titles already, he gets title shots all the time, another shot for himself wont mean half as much as a US Title shot would mean to Zack. So Cena gives it up for Zack. Because he’s a nice guy. He’s also been the one pushing for Zack right from the beginning, getting him backstage cameos and what not, so here’s his chance to make the kid. Loved that, and I loved how they did it too. The Cena character is so fascinating right now.

So then Ace, the evil genius, tries to screw them both by putting MARK HENRY in there. But he was too clever by half because the No DQ rule allowed Cena to come out and ensure that Zack won and they werent screwed over.

And oh God, when Zack was celebrating up the ramp, and there was Cena, lurking in the background on the stage, waiting for Zack to bump into him with his back turned, that was so, so sinister. If it was anyone else in the world that would have screamed heel turn. As it was, you knew it wasnt, but it was such a cool thing to do to just put the idea in your head.

Mark Henry, by the way, was a boss kicking Zack and crushing his dreams. “Not tonight!”

The Team Vickie segment was cool. I like how they joked around and then Dolph still said “no”, Swag is pissed and Vickie is all ‘Its fine, call me!” as she’s leaving. A great woman.

F*ck a Kevin Nash. I had even forgotten about the Santino thing from a few weeks ago. No wonder. Whatever.

Man, I was digging the Zack stuff, but him coming out here to cost Dolph his match was some seriously Asshole Babyface sh*t. What the hell. This show just HATES me.

And wow. All along I’ve been excited about the possibility of Henry vs Cena now Henry is what he is. I mean, it sounds awesome. But after this show, booking that match for a RAW, a three-hour gimmicky Raw at that, just terrifies me. PLEASE dont screw that up, I beg you.

Contract signing was…interesting. The star of it was Johnny freaking Ace, because hey, I’m an easy mark, but I popped for the “future endeavours” line. Also for “I am Mr. Excitement.” Ace’s character is amazing. Punk was also mostly good here, the “take them out on a date?” stuff even made my father laugh, and “..I may have to start drinking” is a monster line that should have been sold a hell of a lot more. But once again, enough with the lame ass “shoot” sh*t about you’re boring, this is boring, we all know how this segment is always scripted, blah blah. Lawler joining in and saying “yeah, why would anyone want to watch a boring contract signing?” YOU’RE THE ONES WHO BOOK THE DAMN SEGMENT EVERY OTHER MONTH! If its so boring, I mean, Jesus. Stop deconstructing your own damn television show on your television show, its lame as f*ck and makes everything that you’re supposed to be selling meaningless.

This is why I’m on Team Smackdown.

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