The Redman Report: WWE Smackdown 11/11/11: “You didnt tell me you signed Rihanna!”

At this point, Orton and Henry are basically competing on a weekly basis for the title of greatest pro wrestler in the universe. Some more great stuff here from everyone. Also, Rihanna: WWE Diva.

Orton, Barrett and Christian all had a chat about Survivor Series. I liked the way they explained it, Orton is captain because anyone else who tries to captain him can go and get f*cked, Barrett is captain because his gimmick is that he’s a leader, and Christian claims that he turned down the captaincy for Barrett for some humour. Liked all this. I like when Orton has conversations where you look at him, and he’s clearly not listening at all and instead he’s probably thinking of ways to kill this moron and get away with it.

Sheamus vs Christian was a hell of an opener. I missed their PPV matches, but this is easily the best match of theirs I have seen. Guys on Smackdown lately are tripping over themselves trying to have the best brawl on TV. Sheamus just beat the SH*T out of this guy for 15 minutes, and Christian hung in there and threw a lot of fun strikes. Before the break Sheamus got his Cena on and CAUGHT Christian’s tope, and then LAUNCHED him into the barricade. Sheamus was really just pounding him, I particularly liked the Fall Away Slam. Really enjoyed Sheamus countering all of Christian’s top rope attempts, first blocking the Sunset Flip and then with the Irish Curse, until finally Christian hit the Pendulum Kick and the Tornado DDT. Finish was some more good Christian-style maneuvering before he got Razor’s Edge’d to death. Really, really good match.

Backstage, this was a whatever Acting segment with Bryan and the girls, but then MARK HENRY came and they had another fun conversation. Henry seems like a normal human being here, he seems almost semi-impressed with Bryan, especially when Bryan gets in Henry’s face here and says the magic words:

“If you’re still champion at Wrestlemania-”
“IF I’m still champion?!”
“-I will beat you.”

EXCELLENT. Make it happen Double Double E. I dare you.

They did a cool ass video on Zeke (yes, he still exists) here that did a better job of explaining Zeke in 90 seconds than his entire career so far.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA, OK, I TAKE IT ALL BACK. I take back anything bad I’ve ever said about Aksana, because Alicia Fox walked in and she was convinced that Teddy Long had signed Rihanna. I’m sold. I take it all back. They need to continue this.

Ted jobbing Jinder was whatever. I laughed when Jinder no sold Shinsuke like a moron. Thats all I got.

Bryan vs Henry was another hugely fun big/little match. Bryan tries to dance around but he gets caught. He gets TOSSED outside into the barricade, the second one tonight. Henry was eating him up until Bryan made another big comeback with a HUGE flying dropkick and the kick flurry. This time, instead of trying to pin him and getting tossed again, he goes for the LeBell Lock. I marked. Bryan couldnt really put it on and Henry rolled over, picked him up and threw him over his head again. Now Henry is pissed off again, so he splashes him and lifts him up at 2, just to be a dick. Bryan comes back with some Fighting Spirit telling Henry to bring it. Henry brought it.

Now, Henry is pissed off that Bryan fought as much as he did and made him work that hard for it, so he grabs a chair and goes for some Hall of Pain action. Bryan is still fighting like hell and actually throws a chair shot at Henry. And HOLY SH*T Henry just NO SOLD LIKE A MOTHERF*CKER! I laughed so hard. Fantastic spot. He kills Bryan again which brings out Show. Henry gets one more cheap shot in on Bryan, just because, and then leaves Show alone. Greatest Man in the Universe, right there.

People will complain about Bryan looking weak, but I thought it was really excellent work and really builds for the future. Henry is Henry, he’s the WHC, the biggest monster on the planet and hasnt lost in forever. Bryan, as of last week, was only one win off a big losing streak, and also, he’s a midget. Of course Henry is going to eat this guy for lunch, you know? Bryan fought like a motherf*cker both times and in both matches got a believable nearfall in. The announcers were going on and on about how much guts and courage Bryan was showing; he brought it to Henry. But in the end, Henry was too much and just flattened him as you’d expect. So, come WM (hypothetically), the question becomes can Bryan overcome this huge size difference and actually pull the miracle off, when he’s come close but then been destroyed when they faced off previously?

I liked the set up of Show cutting the “impressive” promo in between matches, then he destroys three jobbers like a monster, and Henry gets the last word with his own “impressive” promo and storms off. This entire Bryan/Henry/Show stuff ruled hard. Cant wait for The Rematch.

Tamina vs Alicia was actually quite the decent match, albeit overshadowed by guest commentary. Nattie bullying Josh was funny although below average for that sort of thing. Nothing happening after this ending was weird too.

I did laugh at Sheamus scaring the crap out of Striker. I enjoy babyface Sheamus.

Primo has been added to Mexican America! He sure doesnt have anything better to do. I REALLY like that they’re wrestling in their jeans and sneakers. I like guys looking different and it fits the MA gimmick well. The Usos! I have missed those guys. This was a fun few minutes. Enjoyed the beatdown afterwards, the triple-shot Codebreaker-Backcracker-Senton combo is awesome. I like this lucha trio already.

Orton vs Barrett was another fun main event. It started so fantastically I was marking out at details again. Bells rings, Orton gets him into the corner, clean break. Second lock up, Barrett gets him into the corner, he takes a cheapshot. Third lock up, Barrett gets him into the corner again, tries another cheapshot but Orton sees it coming, BLOCKS and starts throwing down. I LOVE that sh*t. WOAH! Speaking of which, they went outside and HOLY MOSES! They did the spot where Barrett was whipped towards the stairs, LEAPED over them (WADE BARRETT..) and then didnt even turn around but Mule Kick’d the stairs into Orton’s knee! That was AWESOME. I love that stairs spot and thats the best version yet.

The finish to this was also great – Orton finally Orton’d Up and made his full comeback uninterrupted, he’s on his way to another win, here comes an RK-EYE POKE BITCHES! Barrett poked Orton in the eye, rolled him up and pinned him, just killed his momentum dead in its tracks. That was pretty great, and so unusual really, which is what made it work. I like Barrett keeping his momentum, and Survivor Series is building nicely.