The Redman Report: WWE Smackdown 9/9/11: The Divas of Boob

Legit don’t know where to begin. Yeah, its one of those Smackdowns. Everything rules.

Lets start with, oh, I dont know…MARK HENRY. GREATEST MAN TO EVER LIVE.  This segment with Zack was so much fun. Mark Henry is such a badass that, when Zack was going to leave all Henry did was say “come here”, and the crowd went “WOAHOHHHHHNOOOOO!” because they knew “come here” meant “I am going to kill you and eat your insides.” Zack is a great goof, Henry was great at destroying the goof, this was great.

And now Big Zeke! I love this match up. Zeke is manning up and Henry is all “LOL OK, Test of Strength”. And he WINS. World’s Strongest Man, folks. And Zeke shakes it off and tries again but Henry kicks him before he has a chance to make a babyface Test of Strength comeback. Enjoyed Zeke using Babyface Strength, but man, Henry just powers up and BEATS this dude. Just beat his ass, one of the most clean wins you ever saw, over Zeke. Bad. Ass. Mother. Best open to Smackdown in forever. I love wrestling.

Sin Cara! Ohwait, you’re evil! Nobody cares though, he was still cheered wildly, and then faced a heel in Tyson and was the same Cara as always. Same fun Cara match as always. Freaking NAILED Tyson with the Senton though. And HE SPEAKS! English, in fact, which is a cool clue to his identity. I also like the way that Cole suggested to Josh that he do the interview, and he did, and thats how we get the interview. Just a different way of doing it and giving it a purpose. And then the Bryan angle with Cara being EVIL and using his own move on him like a douche. (On a micro level I love him doing this to show how adept he is at stealing other people’s moves.)

The basic problem in execution of this, to me, was that Booker condoned Cara’s heel actions. And its consistent for Booker (he always says the faces should be aggressive and likes heels and so on), but if you’re trying to make Cara II a heel you need to actually…say that he’s in the wrong. Josh isnt a strong enough voice to sing this song on his own if Booker and Cole think being a heel is completely fine and dandy. Why should I boo heel antics then? Why should I prefer Cara I if the heel one is better? I dislike this about current, almost beyond kayfabe, ‘everyone has their own opinion’ commentary. I want faces and heels damn it.

Kelly! Nattie! Its weird that they’re doing this match now, they’re doing such a slow burn with these guys, but I suppose its technically Kelly vs Beth they’re building. And I love Nattie working because it means its Beth’s turn to wear A DRESS. Holy Moses. They’re just as boobtastic as always, these two. Wow, the Divas of Boob. I’m using that.

Anyway, this was a LOT of fun. Just great. As bad as she can be on Raw, Kelly can be so good when she’s got someone to work with. Kelly is Angry out of the box and wails on Nattie. But Nattie mans up and beats the CRAP out of her outside. The way BETH FREAKING PHOENIX was sitting on the stairs watching this beating was f*cking GLORIOUS. What a woman. Loved it when Nattie is bullying Kelly in the ropes and Kelly Angries Up and FOREARMS the hell out of her. Take that biatch. Liked Nattie’s Gaint Swing thing. And the FINISH. Nattie goes for her finish, just like Beth did, and Kelly counters into a rollup, just like Summerslam. Kelly shows that she can take an asskicking and still beat either of these bitches with her Babyface Fighting Spirit. Genius. Cannot WAIT for The Rematch.

I like the absurd aspect of Christian’s gimmick, that he goes through life convinced he just needs one more match, even though he loses so convincingly every single time. Sheamus was great here though. I’m slowly starting to like his Old Irish Story gimmick, and badassing Christian out of the ring was great.

Woah Sheamus vs Barrett! I was excited for this after Raw, I didnt think they’d get to my request so soon. And man, this DELIVERED even more than I expected. A HELL of a match, this was. Two dudes just straight up throwing bombs for 10 minutes, no let up. Great back and forth brawling, enjoyed Barrett even getting a headbutt in here somewhere. Loved Sheamus in the ropes where he was STILL throwing bombs but Barrett got his knees in and DRILLED him with a Boot and Sheamus ended up hanging there. This was just a brutal, ass kicking battle. With the DQ I am totally down for a rematch sometime soon. Not to mention Sheamus/Christian, which should also be quite fun.

And now Air Boom! Everything is great on this show. Hang on, KOFI KINGSTON IS BACK ON SMACKDOWN! Woah, I never thought about it that way before, this is awesome. Shame they have to have another match with these goofs though. Poor Air Boom, from one pair of goofs to another. Anyway, Jinder did hit a nice lariat in this. And the Khali babyface finish was fun enough. I loved Kofi not turning his back on Khali during the pin. See, not back for 5 minutes and he’s already working like a motherf*cker! I love Smackdown sometimes.

Enjoyed Cody’s promo. He didnt say much, but he”s so much better when he’s not going on and on about paper bags.

And Orton vs Cody was a fun main event too. A word of warning, commentary goes APESH*T during this match, so I’d turn it down, but if you can ignore that (I barely did) this was good. Cody got a hell of a lot of this match, and looked good doing it. I loved it early on when Cody headbutted Orton with his mask, but Orton came back and gave his own headbutt – “Headbutt me? I will headbutt YOU motherf*cker, f*ck a mask.” Loved Cody stealing the Garvin Stomp, as well as the competing knee drops. I’ve always liked Cody’s little spinning arm Camel Clutch, and the Beautiful Disaster on the apron was great too. This was a fun match and the finish was TREMENDOUS, another in a long, long line of RKO finishes we’ve seen this year; this time a whole bunch of reversing and positioning until Cody missed another BD and ate an RKO. Great freaking finish.

And MORE MARK HENRY! There’s a ‘no touch’ rule, but Mark Henry says “F*CK your ‘no touch’ rule” and goes out there and beats the crap out of Orton anyway. Watching Henry grab a chair and cutting to shots of people legitimately TERRIFIED that he was going to murder Orton was MAGNIFICENT television work. Thumbs up Double Double E. Henry casually sitting on the chair having a conversation while he’s CHOKING THE LIFE OUT OF ORTON was immense badassery. “Thats why I wont break you right now!” Unquestionably the GREATEST MAN IN THE ENTIRE FREAKING UNIVERSE. What a man. What a show.

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