The Redman Report: WWE Smackdown 23/9/11: Mark Henry

So, it seems I’m going to have to find a way to mail my money, my house, my life, my soul and my unborn children to Connecticut, because MARK HENRY IS THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT WRESTLING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD. In case you missed it.

Starting Smackdown with the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations Mr. John Lauritinis is different. I love his aloof, ass kissing heel character, the way he went “We’re all here to discuss how terrible a job you think HHH is doing…me personally, I think he’s doing a great job” was pretty funny. The WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE MARK HENRY coming out and parting the Red Sea was cool. Henry and Hunter badassing one another was cool. Also cool was after the epic staredown, Hunter finally gets the mic but Christian interrupts him before he can speak. Enjoyed his goofy spiel and the match made, so smart too. Christian has been begging FOREVER for a world title match, it consumes his life, and yet now, Hunter finally actually grants him a world title match, he got his wish, and Christian is…mortified. Because he has to face MARK HENRY. Henry is so scary that Christian doesnt even want to face him for the world title. That was fantastic work. Laughed at Henry coming up behind him and intimidating him out of the ring too.

Sheamus vs Slater was a fine little semi-squash. Best part was Slater hitting what I assume was his finish, Sheamus kicks out at one, Slater gets upset and slaps Sheamus across the head, and Sheamus goes completely, “What the F*CK are you thinking?” NUTS and just destroys him. Great finish.

Enjoyed the show’s angle of Christian trying to recruit lumberjacks to help him in the main event. Enjoyed the wacky, bumbling heel conversations with Khali and Zeke.

Gabes! Fun little match, Gabes looked great hitting a great senton dive and his sweet moonsault. Barrett’s BOOT looked brutal too, but the finish coming so soon was disappointing. Smackdown has been having far too many short matches lately.

Again I have to say I love the Divas of Boob storming out to the ring. This was a fun enough squash, Beth’s BOOT on Kaitlyn on the outside was wicked, enjoyed the double suplex, and AJ was good with the hot tag before being killed. Enjoyed. And still excited for the next Kelly vs Beth or Nat match.

Loved Orton here, coming out all pissed off and just going nuts on Cody. But Cody was good enough to take the injured leg and go to work on it to counteract Orton’s rage. Then Cody’s heelish mask shot and the nearfall, and Orton just goes “What. The. F*CKING. F*CK. Are. You. Thinking?!” and we get PSYCHO ORTON! I know the thing is plastic but those mask shots sounded NASTY and I was flinching. Beating the sh*t out of this guy. Then taking it outside with that SICK bell shot and finally the return of the brutal non=breaking table RKO. I know now that Cody tapped an artery and bled out everywhere here, but they edited almost all of it out. The bloody towel over his face was the only real clue he was bleeding at all, aside from the fact that they never showed Cody again. Hell of an edit job. But back to the point, Orton going ballistic was great here, selling the idea that he was completely dominated by Henry so he needs to get back to proper Psycho Orton in order to win at HIAC.

Christian trying to make peace with Sheamus by giving him a POTATO is one of the greatest wacky heel moves of all time. Enjoyed this segment.

Wow, Khali jobbed Jinder out here. They must really not care at all. I certainly dont. There were enough Chops of Doom in this to make it watchable.

Sin Cara! The…first? Pretty sure its Mistico. The ambiguity and the sh*tty commentary surrounding this angle is what is annoying me. Ahahahaha, Cara II came out, hit Cara I, took his place and won the match. Thats pretty funny. Accidental twin magic. Cool heel move to make him the…heel. They really do need to differentiate them properly soon though, its really hard to tell them apart and you need that in order to get the crowd cheering and booing the right ones.

Beautiful work with Christian finally getting to Orton’s door to ask him for help, and he bites the bullet and knocks but Zack comes out instead and distracts him, and in the end…he cant bring himself to actually talk to Randy. Christian has been a marvellous wacky heel today.

Air Boom! The Usos! Yes! I’ve been so looking forward to this match. And it was quite fun too, while it lasted. Again, just too short for my liking, these guys need 10 minutes sometime soon. Loved the assisted Black Hole Slam they did. Fun tag match, but man, this was another “commentary off the deep end” moment, this time both Cole and Josh went to town mercilessly mocking Booker through this whole thing for no apparent reason. STOP BURYING BOOKER, HE’D BE FINE IF YOU’D TALK TO HIM INSTEAD OF BURYING EVERY SINGLE THING HE SAYS. Jesus.

Like, earlier in this show, Cole was saying something, and Booker says “I think you’re right about that Cole, because of blah-” and Cole cuts in all “YOU THINK I’M RIGHT?! OF COURSE I’M RIGHT, I JUST TALKED TO THE MAN BOOKER! WHAT A STUPID THING TO SAY BOOKER, GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT!” Like…he was agreeing with you! And instead of just calling the damn match we have to interrupt Booker and BURY every single thing he says. F*ck off with this sh*t.

Anywho, main event. Fun ‘match as an angle’ type deal. This whole show was a pretty big showcase for Christian because this was all about him. Loved the start where Christian teased going outside but couldnt. Then getting tossed near Zeke and Zeke backs everyone off, to play off their conversation, and then BAMs him. They built well to the point where Christian knocked Henry down and they did the monster kickout, but it was still a little weird to have a heel vs heel match here. However, the finish totally worked. They go outside, the roster SWARMS on Henry and Henry ROARS all of them off, and tosses Trent on them all for good measure. Total badassery. Christian sees this and thinks “F*ck that sh*t” and WILLINGLY WALKS AWAY FROM HIS WORLD TITLE SHOT.  THAT is how scared Christian is of Henry at this point. He knows he cant win, he just doesnt want no mo’ part of being killed. But Sheamus runs in for the babyface victory of Christian being killed. Sheamus dont stand for no Idaho potatoes damn it!

And then Psycho Orton runs in, and manages to boot Henry out of the ring. And this simple move that happens all the time, because Henry has been built up as such a badass, and because they spent the match saying (correctly) that Christian couldnt throw Henry out of the ring, this simple move becomes “Woah, he got him out of the ring!” It really felt like Orton accomplished something, and it was good to signify that Orton might just be more competitive this next time around. Just from clearing the ring, he still tried and failed to hit the RKO, but getting one good shot in on Henry is a victory now. Excellent work all round.