The Redman Report: WWE Smackdown 16/9/11: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

We’re in Toronto. I’m screaming. I think this one is pretty self explanatory.

And no, its not for Edge. Now, he’s fine, its not like I hate him anymore, but they really should stop wheeling him out sometime soon. Its just that there’s only so many times he can come out and do the “I missed you guys!” speech and never do anything more. People were chanting “Spear” in this segment, because they know wrestling retirements arent real and they fully expect him to do something physical, when he actually wont, which will make his appearances more and more redundant as time goes on.

Anyway, I enjoyed this. I’m glad they didnt do another Edge/Christian segment and instead used him to get Cody some heat. Cody was good here even though it was a “ramble about nothing and go nowhere” conversation. Loved the “I’m so glad you didnt plug your TV show called this name which airs on SyFy at this hour. No siree.” Edge just up and leaving, again, it was weird to see, but Cody made it work bitching over the music and going off and WOAH TED! Was not expecting that, somehow, so fantastic work. Ted has angry babyface fire and Cody sold this fantastically well. The brawl wasnt anything special but it did its job.  Should be a good PPV match, given time.

Sin Cara II! HOLY MOSES, this is a BRAWL. Bryan came out all Angry Bryan and just BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM. This was some indy level stiffness, in particular he KILLED him with one forearm towards the end. Wicked fun brawling. Finish didnt come off well since the match was so stiff that the corner thing came off tame in comparison and after Bryan kicked his ass so badly Cara kicking him back didnt seem so heelish. But Cara continuing to kick him after the match made it work better. CARA I! HE’S BACK! I’d forgotten what he looked like. It was kind of cool seeing them both in the ring, basically doing the mirror scene from Duck Soup and mimicking each other. But the crowd booed Cara II and cheered the real one (whether they actually did or it was edited in) and Booker said the real one is the real one, so thats a good sign that they’ll clear it up soon. They need to. And I legit never thought about it before now, but the match, Mistico vs Hunico, should actually be quite fun.

I’m not sure if I could be less interested in Teddy having PG sex with AksanAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OK, I’m good. I’m good.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MOAR WOMEN! Oh God, Beth vs AJ. She is going to DIE. Loved the bulldog turned into a back suplex. Also AJ kicking Beth, Beth going “LOL” and BOOTing her back. Nattie, for her part, was awesome on the outside as this week’s wearer of A DRESS. I’ve always loved Beth but lately with the Dresses Nattie is fast moving into “What I wouldnt do to her..” territory herself. Anyway, its unavoidably disappointing to me when Trish and Beth are in the same building and dont wrestle each other, but nevertheless this was a fun squash and I cannot WAIT for The Rematch. Beth is going to be over like a motherf*cker.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I seem to vaguely recall some dudes standing there in the background as well, so maybe we did get our Edge/Christian conversation after all. Couldnt say for sure though.

Sheamus rapping about Demolition is one of the strangest things you’ll ever see. I’m not making that up either. He really started rhyming about Demolition.  I now know why (they did the dark stuff) but wow, wacky. Anyway, J Gabes! This was a fun tag match here, Gabes sold like a champ for them. Barrett hit a GREAT freaking LARIAT here. And Sheamus’ hot tag and the finish were also fun. I’m glad Gabes at least got the win since he had no offense the entire match.

As an aside, watch out for Cole going INSANE just after the break during this match. It was unbelievable, even by his standards. F*CK COLE.

I’m only wasting ink saying this again, but these Mark Henry videos have been awesome.

You know, I pay attention, I really do, but even I completely forgot that Khali turned on Jinder last week until they mentioned it. Nevertheless, this was perfectly fine because I can watch Khali Chop Slater to Doom any day of the week. A master seller, is young Heath.

This Hunter/Punk/Nash video sure was something. It was funny because I noticed that they had trouble editing around Nash’s sh*tty promos. But anyway the guy was all over this video and there’s clearly zero possibility that he’s not running in at the PPV.

Air Boom! I LOVE how they jump into the ring. WOAH GOD, TRUTH AND MIZ RAPPING! This NEEDS to be seen. Incredible stuff, they really are trying to Kurt Angle his song, and Miz as Flavor Flav adding “Yeah!” in the background is MONEY. He looks like he’s having a ball doing a ridiculous rapping tag team with Truth. And speaking of, The Awesome Truth! Officially named. Great stuff.

Unfortunately, they then had a 90 second match that made Bourne look like a complete jobber. So obviously he’ll win at the PPV. Not that I dont want them to retain, but man, this was a waste.

Its only now that I’ve realised the absurdity of making your PPV go-home angle a talking segment with Randy Orton, of all people. But anyway, this was fine. Henry got to cut the shoot promo about getting nowhere for 15 years and finally being ready. The bit about “they told me to go out there and SMILE..” was freaking great. Then on top of his story, as heartfelt as a monster heel’s can be, these guys really, well, buried this guy’s career, flat out calling him a failure, which was pretty harsh unless he’s going to actually win. But I still dont see how he does.

Anyway, I liked the segue into the brawl. Henry ROARING all of the geeks off him will never, ever not be cool. And, once again, Henry just beats the CRAP out of this guy. Baddest. Motherf*cker. Alive.

I am so in love right now. I’m not sure when the last time was when I wanted a guy to win the world title quite this badly. I didnt even want Punk to win this badly. I’m spending most of the next two days praying to the Lord Jesus that somehow, some way, Mark Henry wins the World Title. The man has been INCREDIBLE. Rationally speaking, I still dont think he wins, but oh man, if wishing ever made it so. Vince, you can have it all. My money, my house, my life, my soul, my unborn children. I’ll mail it all to you, its yours. All I want is Mark Henry: World Heavyweight Champion.