The Redman Report: WWE Raw 26/9/11: “EVERYBODY GON’ PAY!”

I’m running out of ways to describe my love for this man. Anyway, inside: Henry, the Divas of Boob, a smorgasbord of heels, utter absurdity, and the hilarious word “anal”, which all adds up to, believe it or not, a great show.

Time to play the Game! Who ever would have thought? Its funny, the Miz and Truth firing is one of those angles that makes perfect sense in the real world, but no sense whatsoever in pro wrestling. In real world logic, attacking the refs shouldnt be tolerated by the company. In wrestling, pretty much every heel has bumped the ref and Hunter himself has killed more referees than we’ve all had hot dinners. Not to mention all of the other dangerous things people do on a weekly basis, Orton killing Cody for starters. So it just comes off as completely ridiculous and kind of douchey on his part to fire them for something relatively minor. But if you try and look at it in isolation, the idea that Hunter’s New Regime wont tolerate attacking officials or commentators, it almost works.

I have to say though, I laughed uproariously when Hunter fined Mark Henry. Somebody gon’ get they ass kicked for that sh*t.

Then we have the Bunch o’ Whining Heels Parade! I liked how Dolph complained about Jackman and Hunter is all “What do you want me to do about it?”, and his “because little kids look up to me..” line was great. I loved Christian claiming that Sheamus throwing him back in the ring in a Lumberjack Match and preventing Christian from getting himself counted out meant he cost him the World Title. I really enjoy Christian’s delusional whining gimmick a lot more now they’re not trying to position him as the world champion. Cody was the only one with a legitimate gripe, which made Hunter f*cking with him at the end because he talked back all the more douchey. What an Asshole Babyface. Still, a fun enough segment.

This IC Title Battle Royal was actually a hell of a sprint. No standing around plodding for 10 minutes like a lot of battle royals, just short and to the point, and all fun. Drew being eliminated immediately and losing his mind was fun, almost fun enough to make up for the disappointment of Drew being eliminated immediately. There’s a man who needs to be on TV. Sheamus kicking a bunch of guys out was fun, as was his face off with Zeke. Liked the Sin Cara angle, even though the refs are morons for seeing Cara II being thrown over, a man not in the match, and insisting that meant Cara I was eliminated. And the finish was done well, I knew Christian would come out but they teased the finish a few times and got me. Cody ended up looking pretty boss in the end, which is always a good thing.

OK, I have to say, I have hated this goof FOREVER, but David Otunga: Harvard Lawyer on the case of The C. O. N. Spiracy is AWESOME. Absolute best use for him, bar none, and I’m already enjoying him in the role. He was wearing the finest in douchebag chic as well, fantastic bow tie.

Nice Kelly video package. The Divas of Boob! With LOD spikes! Now that is badass. I dont like Eve’s new haircut. Anyway, this was a fun as hell match, The Boobs beating the CRAP out of Eve, Nattie busting out that CRAZY ASS submission (shades of Melina) which Eve sold like a MOTHERF*CKER, all credit, before Kelly hot tags in and runs wild before the shmozz and Beth pins her ass. If they’re now doing Beth vs Kelly III, I am ALL UP FOR THAT SH*T. I love women.

Speaking of love, MARK HENRY. THE GREATEST MAN IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, BAR NONE. Liked the camera angle they used when he came out, nice touch. And wow, he just KILLED Khali. BAM, belt shot, “I want you to be afraid!” and then the GIANT  World’s Strongest Slam. BAD. ASS. MOFO. “If I gotta pay a fine, everybody gon’ pay!” See, I told you so. Henry was even more awesome just walking up the ramp, telling the guy with the replica belt “That is fake, THIS is real!” and “STOP ME!” Marry me already.

Cena’s promo was…something. He had good points, like the HIAC match will end the controversy about the title since whoever wins at HIAC will have earned it. Only problem was he spent way too much time saying “Hell! HELL! Hell in a Cell! Cell in a Hell! HELL! Going to Hell! Being in Hell! Leaving Hell! Returning to Hell! Next stop: HELL! Destination Hell! F*cking Hell! Bloody Hell! Celling Hell! Helling Cell! Helloween! HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL!!!” over and over before he actually made his points. If this was half as long it would have been great.

I was actually really looking forward to Cena vs Christian, but they had no time and were only the backdrop to the angle, which was disappointing. But as an angle, this was good. I went in not really caring about the triple threat and ended up quite excited, at least about Punk vs Alberto. Naturally we go outside, Cena throws Christian a little too close to Punk, Alberto takes his chance to hit Punk, Cena hits Alberto, Christian hits Cena. Then Alberto does the DQ and bails on Punk, like a douche, then cuts a good angry promo from the ramp. “You people can go to Hell!” was a good line, the H word notwithstanding. And suddenly I’m psyched for Punk vs Alberto, when I couldnt have cared less before. Job well done.

Dolph vs Zack was a fun little match while it lasted. Zack’s big Face Wash on Dolph’s fractured jaw was great. I have to ask though, why on earth was Swagger out there helping Dolph like absolutely none of the last 2 months had happened? Last time I checked, they hated each other and Dolph was actively sabotaging his career. They really skipped over a step here. A simple backstage skit where they agree to work together for Vickie would have worked fine, but they didnt bother. Really bothered me for some reason.

Between Teddy and Hunter, its really “f*ck with the heels” day today. But honestly, who gives a crap because I got Kofi and Swagger working spots! Dont think I’ve forgotten that they’re feuding. That made me happy. Match in general was a fun, short 6-man (5-man) before the angle. Mason Ryan is UNREAL. As in, he cannot be real. Disgusting body. But I like how you got the “ooh!” factor when he came out and when he tagged in, people are legit awed by how this dude looks. And then the SWERVE! I liked how commentary sold this with “Its all about the money” and then “It must not have been enough!” when he turned. The military press into the Black Hole Slam is pretty cool. Loved Zack getting the pin, loved Vickie going nuts on the outside, as well as the end where she’s like “C’mon Dolph!” and leaves when Dolph is DEAD on the ground. I laughed. This was such a better way to re-debut Mason as a babyface, instead of the usual “I’m coming out to face a heel, so I must be a face now” for no apparent reason turns.

OK, Punk vs Alberto actually turned out great. Really good main event. Cena being serious, pure sports build Cena on commentary was nice, at least. Liked the callback when Punk threw Alberto just next to Cena. But this was really good, and Alberto in particular looked like a million bucks. Great heeling and tight working over the arm, loved all of the various arm-breaker moves. My favourite part was Punk’s first attempt at a comeback being cut off by running into a Lariat, then later at the end he’s making another comeback, comes off the ropes, sees the Lariat coming and turns it into a neckbreaker. I LOVE detail work like that. Finish was out of nowhere, but the Kick itself was good enough to make it work. Great work.

I enjoyed the post match, mainly for once again displaying the absurdity of pro wrestling logic. You assume that someone in power (Ace, Vince, Hunter, whoever) lowered the HELLING HELLISH HELL in a Cell deliberately so Alberto could beat on Punk and Cena. Thats what I assume they’re going for. This plan relied on both Punk and Cena finding something distracting to distract them enough to trap themselves inside the HELLING HELLISH HELL in a Cell before it fell. Magically, this happened. Its funny, Rey magically headscissoring people into the second rope never makes me bat an eyelid, but something like this happens and I laugh at how contrived it is. Not that I mean that its a bad thing, its contrived in an endearing, cartoonish sort of way. I just love pro wrestling sometimes.

Anyway, by the end of this who cares because Alberto was a BOSS in here. He beat the CRAP out of Punk and Cena with those chairshots, and all in all by the end of this show he came across better than he has since he won the title, at the very least. I’m looking forward to this match and the result now, not to mention Beth/Kelly III and, umm, oh yeah. MARK HENRY.