TNA Telegraph – 2nd June 2011 – One step forward… Fall off a cliff

It’s often been the case that Women’s wrestling is seen as the opportune time in an event to go get a drink or go for a pee break. It’s such a shame as there are some really talented girls out there who can put on a wrestling clinic that a lot of the male wrestlers would struggle to live up to. However TNA seems to have decided that literal T and A is the only think that counts so for all the good points in the show (and this week there wasn’t many to begin with) it was totally overshadowed by how mind bogglingly awful the Knockouts division really is. Read on dear readers and you’ll find out exactly what happened that ruined this show for me.

The show starts with Eric Bischoff in the parking lot with some speccy guy delivering a package of some kind to Eric. He’s being served some kind of notice and Eric is not best pleased.

We cut to the backstage “photo studio” area where ODB is attacking Velvet Sky who’s dressed in some kind of smock and bikini. ODB gets dragged off by the photographer who then gets beaten up by ODB, did she just legit slack him in the nuts? Ow…. Velvet comes back with… a chop? A freaking set up chop? In a brawl?!?! A spear through some sugar paper and ODB slaps Velvet on the ass and they head down a corridor with ODB shouting about Velvet costing her job and being a skinny whore. The fight reaches the crowd and Velvet seems intent on not selling her beating half the time and as they reach the ring there’s a couple of “come on ODB” chants. ODB rips off the smock and some how Velvet Sky is all of a sudden afraid of showing her flesh off. ODB sits astride Sky and counts for three and then leaves the ring as Tessmacher comes down to look after Velvet. This was crap because Velvet Sky just cannot allow herself to be overshadowed at any time so instead of what should have been a straight beatdown instead took twice as long and looked awful.

Graahh! Feel the pain of paper!!

Sting’s music plays but Anderson comes out in the 80’s Sting get up. He says tonight he’s going to face one of Sting’s most famous opponents. Whilst I’m all behind Anderson being heel this promo flat out sucked. He kept playing for the big reaction which never came.

Kendrick catches up with Bischoff backstage asking for another shot at Abyss. Eric says he can’t understand why he’d want to face abyss again. Casually mentions that Kaz already has a match against Abyss at Slammiversary but that tonight Kendrick and take on Kaz for the spot in that match. Does anyone smell 3 way coming up?

We come back from a break to Bischoff again on the phone to Hogan before coming out to the ring. The “live” feed resumes and Eric calls out Beer Money. Storm and Roode come out with Roode still in a sling. Amusing moment in that a swear word in Beer Money’s entrance music can clearly be heard on their way down. Bischoff says that since Roode clearly isn’t going to make the 30 day defense time limit and that the PPV has been booked with the British Invasion (really? We’re dropping PPV matches in like a first time jugglers lesson) that Beer Money should give up the titles. Roode says he’ll be at Slammiversary bad shoulder or not but is cut off by Alex Shelley coming out. Shelley announces that Sabin is out for a year at least with a torn ACL/MCL. Says he remembers the great series of matches between the Machine Guns and Beer Money. Shelley asks to take Roode’s place at Slammiversary, Bischoff asks who told him he can do that and Alex says “….. the Network” and God am I tired of hearing that. Shelley asks if “gun Money” is a go which makes it sound like some secret arms deal but Roode and Storm shake on it so I guess it’s Gun Money V The British Invasion at Slammiversary.

Matt Hardy vs. Crimson – Crimson is introduced as the undefeated Crimson which really doesn’t make him any more exciting and it’s Crimson vs. Joe at the PPV apparently making this the third quickly announced PPV match of the night. Quite why Joe couldn’t have announced this last week and made something of it I don’t know. Match kicks off and Matt gets taken down by a clothesline quickly and sent to the outsider. Match is really pretty slow and it really highlights that Crimson is still green in the ring and it takes him a while to think of whatever spot is coming next. A middle rope clothesline puts Crimson down and an elbow gets two. Matt works on the neck with a cravat type hold. Crimson tries to go up but Matt takes him down and hits a middle rope legdrop for two.

Crimson comes back and hits a double arm DDT for a two count. Some shoulder thrusts into the corner.  Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate doesn’t hit it. Crimson hits the Sky High (a sit out bomb thingy) and ends this out of nowhere. Brest thing about the match was probably it’s length. For all the great look Crimson has he’s really limited in ring and he doesn’t really have that big power guy offence you’d expect and his basic craft isn’t all that watchable.

Joe runs down but runs right into a spear so he simply rolls out of the ring again. The point being… who knows really, I couldn’t work it out.

Anderson comes up to Young in the back and wants to talk to him.EY is wearing both belts one above the other, genius . Apparently the world is clamoring for Young to have seminars to show how to have matches like Young and Gunner had last week, I do love Eric Young. Anderson says he wants to recreate the best wrestling of the past and wants Young to pretend to be Great Muta tonight for the match. Young initially says he doesn’t want to be part of something like last week with Disco. Anderson assures him it’s all about respect so EY agrees. Young gives the camera a little wink after Anderson goes.

“.. And then I got Russo’s head like this and said ‘What do you mean Eric Young dressed as the Great Muta?’ ”

Now seasoned readers of the TNA Telegraph will know my utter hatred for anything to do with Angelina Love and Winter. So when I tell you the next segment is Winter and Love backstage and Love know starts speaking and repeating all the garbage that Winter has been talking the last month you’ll understand why any review of this part of the show would simply be asterisks. Without doubt on of the worst things I’ve ever witnessed. Love was at least bearable when she wasn’t talking. What did we waste this moment on? Love V Tessmacher later on…. oh whoop-dee do.

Eric gives an emotional goodbye speech to Immortal (all of Immortal for once), saying that he didn’t think it would end like this and thanking them for everything they’ve done. Hogan will be here later and will explain things. Immortal start clamouring to know what happens to them as Bischoff leaves the office. EB is on fire tonight, he’s really selling this potentially being the end of Immortal.

Miss Tessmacher vs. Angelina Love – Apparently it’s Love vs. James at the PPV so make that four PPV match announcements simply thrown away . Tessmacher takes of her clothes on her way to the ring which will be the most believable thing you’ll see her do tonight.Tessmacher gets a pair of rollups within the first ten seconds for two each. Whoever is still trying to play off that Tessmacher has spent months honing her craft has the biggest set of balls ever. Angelina starts no selling stuff and quickly gains the initiative. a quick cross body gets two for Tessmacher but Love knocks her down. Love picks her up and hits a backbreaker and then falls on her ass when she tries a side slam directly from it. Angelina rams her into the corner a few times. Tessmacher fires back but takes forever setting up a victory roll and gets countered into an electric chair drop. Love hits a reverse DDT into a sideways lung-blower for the win but f*ck me it’s sloppy as hell.

Appalling. Dreadful. Horrendous. Deplorable….. it was all these things and more. I’ve watched documentaries on animal abuse that were more entertaining and uplifting than this.

Mr. Anderson vs. Eric Young – This is billed as Sting vs. the Not-So-Great Muta. I will bet you any money that 80% of the audience in the impact zone have no freaking clue who Muta is. Young actually does a pretty good impression of him though. Before the match kicks off Anderson does slow motion Stinger Splashes in the corner while Young stands around for no particular reason. Young goes to leave but Anderson stops him and eventually the match starts.

Belly to belly gets EY a two count followed up by a crucifix pin that Anderson somehow manages to botch halfway through. Anderson tries to fight back and hits a reverse neckbreaker. Eventually  Young  hits the moonsault for two but out comes Gunner to distract the referee. However this allows Young to spit the green mist into Anderson’s face and a EY rolls him up with a small package  for the win .

I have no idea what the overall point of this was. Young was entertaining but the reference will be lost on most young viewers. Anderson loses the match to the TV champ so he gains nothing. Given the whole mist thing Eric doesn’t really gain every much either. I mean it was entertaining enough but I can’t grasp exactly why it was done.

Gunner and Anderson beat down Young post match until Sting makes the save.

Brian Kendrick vs. Kazarian – Winner gets Abyss for the X-Title at the PPV so at least there is some point to this. Hemme announces there is a ten minute limit to the match so if you hadn’t already guessed how this was likely to finish you know now. Both guys shake hands pre-match.  Some nice technical back and forth stuff to start  as neither guy can get an extended advantage. Release gutwrench suplex puts Kendrick down and we head to the floor with a nice little sequence but Brian misses a suicide dive and Kaz takes over. Back in the ring a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker gets two for Kaz.

Kaz now in total control and he hits a leg lariat for two. Kaz slows it down with a unique looking arm hold. Kendrick gets a kick to the face to switch momentum and a missile dropkick gets him a two count. Flip out of the corner and Kendrick hits a sweet enziguri. BK goes for Sliced Bread #2 is countered into a neckbreaker for two for Kaz.

Fade to Black doesn’t work so Kendrick takes of Kaz’s head with a superkick. Frog splash gets knees from Kazarian though and a Shining Wizard puts Kendrick on the floor through the ropes. They trade two counts back and forth in the ring as neither guy can take advantage. The bell sounds as we reach the time limit, well I says we reach the time limit but since it went about 8 minutes that’s a bit of a load of old b*llocks.

Earl liked the bit that went “womp womp womp womp womp womp”

Hebner gets the call to give the match 5 more minutes from Bischoff. Brian and Kaz both hit cross bodies at the same time and both men slam down to the mat. Can you guess what happens now? Abyss out and this causes a no contest. Shock Treatment for Kendrick and Black Hole Slam for Kaz.

This match was sweet one of the best TV matches you’ll watch and pretty much makes up for all the trash that went before it. This talent is just sat there waiting to shine and yet we get Anderson V Sting and Jarrett V Angle. Also Abyss and the Art of War quotes doesn’t work and never will.

AJ Styles is out in the ring and calls out Bully Ray. Bully says that Styles didn’t beat him last week he only beat Dreamer who was almost as bad a partner as Devon. So Dreamer V Styles is done then? what a waste of time that was. Bully says AJ is everything he hates about a pro wrestler who’d rather play video games than get a lapdance. He says he can read fear in AJ’s eyes and says that he puts the fear of God in everybody and that if God was a bully he’d be him.

AJ says that somehow changing his name from Brother to Bully is about bully having a small penis. Cheap really. AJ says a Bully is like a balloon and once popped it’s done. AJ says last man standing match at Slammiversary. Bully doesn’t really accept the match but lets assume that it he did. I’ve never been convinced by AJ Styles on the mic and a lot of people don’t rate Bully all that much but I thought Bully Ray was really good here and AJ looked really wooden in comparison.

Jeff Jarrett/Scott Steiner vs. Matt Morgan/Kurt Angle – Steiner comes out to Jarrett’s music and poor Matt Morgan doesn’t even get to share Kurt Angles little lift and simply has to turn up after him like some kind of middle eastern wife!

They do the Karen in a chair thing except this time they completely throw her out. Angle vs. Steiner start but Morgan tags in his partner and Jarrett his in less than five seconds. Angle gets a belly to belly to Scotty for two and it’s a tag to Jarrett again rather quickly.

There’s the ankle lock but Jeff kicks off  and Morgan tags himself in. Headbutt takes Jarrett down and it’s a tag back to Kurt again. We get a massive split screen to see Hogan being handed the  papers by Bischoff because that’s so important. Back and Jeff hits an enziguri on Angle and tags in Steiner. Apparently it’s Sting and Young V Gunner and Anderson next week.

Steiner gets a belly to belly on Angle for two and time to tag in Jeff again. . Stroke attempt is countered into an ankle lock but Jeff reverses again and both guys are down. Tag to Morgan and Steiner. Michinoku Driver gets two for Morgan as Jarrett makes the saves which bring Angle into the ring. Kurt and Jeff fight up the ramp and it’s an ankle lock on the stage, broken up by Karen somehow. We don’t bother watching the ring at this point. Jeff knocks Kurt into Karen and after a horribly long pauses apparently she fell down a flight of stairs! In the ring Steiner pins Morgan after a low blow or something since we don’t really see what happened.

Angle yells down at Jeff, saying it’s Jeff’s fault and calling for the medics. It’s retarded because all Angle does is stand at the top of the stairs shouting at Jeff and not helping in anyway. Medics turn up eventually as we cut to a break.

“The best thing I can do in this situation is shout at you Jeff. Why can’t you see that?”

Back and Karen is put in an ambulance as Tenay does his serious voice.

Bischoff and Hogan come out to the ring. Eric says if this is his last Impact he’s going to has his say. He basically rips on Foley for being a good talker but useless in the ring and his career was built on running around with a sock on his hand like a “Muppet Master”. He says he has achieved more in the worst week of his career than Foley has in all of his. He asks Hulk to open the papers. Hogan says he’s not scared of what is in the papers and to remember they’ve made history together. Hogan takes a while to read through the document with lots of blah blahs to cover up the bulk of the “document”. Hogan teases that spike have “terminated said position” and Eric walks away but Hogan starts laughing and reveals in fact it’s Mick Foley who is fired. That’s the end of the show/

So where does that leave us? TNA had a hard on for announcing the card for Slammiversary in one show in a totally underwhelming way. There could have been any kind of promo to announce these matches but instead 3 out of 4 of them were off hand remarks by Tenay. The Knockouts can f*ck off right now. They took up a third of this show and stunk it up every time. Tessmacher needs to be taken out back and… well not shot but she’s probably got something she can do out back that’s better than she can do in the ring. Love and Winter are the worst thing ever and that we’re still at least a month away from any kind of big movement on that angle brings me to tears. ODB better bring something in ring or everyone will simply be asking where Maddison and Tara have been and it’s not like Maddison was the best in ring either!

We did get 3 matches in a row but Anderson V Young wasn’t really a match and the main event bored the sh*t out of me. The fact that Kaz V Kendrick went 8 minutes instead of the ten they freaking announced it had was stupid and the finish was stupid and predictable as well which puts a downer on a really stonking match. Matt Hardy apparently has nothing better to do than to job to Crimson which is such a ridiculous use of talent I don’t even know where t0 start. Joe needs to be actively trying to end this streak before the PPV not running in afterwards and getting served like a tennis ball when he gets there.

Bischoff was hot tonight and really sold his angle though I can’t see where the firing of Foley goes unless they bring in someone else to replace him. After 2 strong weeks this show was a massive step back bar one match and seeing the spoilers for the next week it doesn’t seem like it’s going to get better. It’s so frustrating that TNA have a roster full of talent and as Kazarian and Kendrick proved (by the way neither are two of my favourite workers) yet we’re still persisting in pushing people who in my opinion have had more than enough time at the top. It’ll be interesting to see what they are going to Beer Money after Slammer. Roode is so clearly ready for his big push and obviously Alex Shelley is in limbo with Sabin out so it’s a good call to swap him in instead of Chris “The Fatcat” Harris. Despite Abyss’s more than predictable interference I’m happy to have more matches like tonight if that’s the pay off.