The Redman Report: WWE Raw 30/5/11: So, I’m still alive after all.

I’m not even going to bother with a blurb here. I only have three little words for you. R. F*cking. Truth.

The beauty of having a delayed feed of Raw is that they cleaned up all of the apparent technical difficulties before I saw it. So I have no idea how badly this came across to anyone watching live, but since mine was fixed, this was an AWESOME segment. Again, no idea how it was supposed to go, but for me it seemed to cut in halfway as he was berating the merch stand, which to be honest only made it better because it seemed more off the cuff, like “Welcome to R-ohshit, we have to cut backstage because apparently R-Truth is going mental backstage”, instead of “Welcome to Raw, lets throw it backstage to a segment with R-Truth where he will proceed to go nuts.” R-Truth beating up the merch, and then the cups, and then coming up against the giant poster or whatever it was and just STARING at it like “FFS!” AND then the big crowd rave ending with the black Cena family with “Little Jimmy…and Big Jimmy!” and “Whats up!” INCREDIBLE STUFF.

I just have no idea how to express in words how incredible R-Truth is. He’s just so fresh, so different to everyone else, and so freaking mental. I love Cody Rhodes, I really do, but if he doesnt get something interesting to do, stat, I’m going to have to coronate R-Truth, R f*cking Truth, of all people, as the Greatest Man in the Entire World.

Kofi! Dolph! I sat through every single one of their Smackdown matches and I dont care, I’ll watch them work another hundred times on Raw. This was a fun little match, and Dolph countered all of Kofi’s finishers – the SOS, the TIP and the CROSSBODY – because they’ve worked a hundred times, Dolph has been watching him and this sh*t is REAL. These men, ladies and gentlemen. Plus, its amazing how good Dolph suddenly became again once he got his hair back. Its spooky how crucial this haircut is. Anyway, I have no problem with this feud.

Alberto! I laugh how he somehow gets “It was an accident” and “Show shouldnt have f*cked with me” in the same sentence. “Get well soon” and a WINK to send it off was some great douchebaggery. I am really looking forward to Show coming back for some revenge on the guys that RAN HIM OVER WITH A CAR.

Women! It occurs to me that now they’re going to have to figure out how to move on with the women’s division after they spent 6 weeks being killed and eaten. I enjoyed this, above Raw women standards and Kelly wisely stayed away from the lava ropes. But to be perfectly honest I watched this match trying to work out Kelly’s moveset. How is the Stinkface a move? What member of the roster would not want to eat out Kelly Kelly in the corner? How do I not want to get ‘hit’ with this move? How is that debilitating? Beyond the way that having sex is exhausting, I guess. I cant work it out.

In even better news (although, better than oral sex with Kelly Kelly? Maybe not.) ALEX RILEY. This could have gone so, so wrong with Second Week Booking, but man did they ever hit a home run here. I was starting to get frustrated that they spent the entire segment having Cole talking and getting himself over instead of letting Riley talk, but he got his little shots in, and by the end where Miz came out and Riley KICKED HIS ASS AGAIN it was worth it. THIS is why they need to look past parity booking and think about things, because THIS is how you get a guy over as a babyface. Kick some ass. Riley is a natural heel but he’s a good enough talker and has enough heat right now to have legs as a babyface in the short term, so I hope they really do run with this and see what he can do with it, dont just beat him and give up, please. This angle has been so great so far.

And now we get Rey Mysterio vs CM Punk. This show is blowing me away segment-by-segment, Smackdown-style. Yeah, I just said that. Anyway, this was another fun little match. The first minute or so leading to Rey’s outside tumble spot ruled. Finishing stretch ruled ending with Rey being KILLED TO DEATH. Feuding with Rey is at least a really good use for Punk.

And now…I die.

…or not. Pinch me, I think I’m still here. Seriously, what an awesome segment that turned out to be. I mean this is Kharma in the ring talking like a normal human being and breaking character and TALKING, but I’ve had a week to digest the news and having realised that this woman having a baby is far more important than my wrestling fan complaints, I’m fine that this is what they did. I mean, this was a seriously good promo, they just let her go out there and explain herself honestly, like Edge did 2 months ago. It was well spoken, it was honest, it was real, it was everything you could hope it would be. I so felt for her by the end of it, so happy for her and I cant wait for her to come back. And then the Bellas! I laughed at the “yo momma” line, but I so loved Kharma scaring the sh*t out of them on her way out, just to say “One day, I WILL kill you and eat you both” and keeping a little bit of monster in her. All things considered, this turned out fantastically well, and she’s only going to be ten times as over when she returns. A miracle in every way, this.

And now we have the latest edition of Evan Bourne: The Never Ending Loop of Two-Week Stop-Start Pushes. Seriously, its already a running joke about Bourne having a two week feud with X with an upset win and a parity-booking rematch, over and over and over, and here we are again. The match itself was fine, but…shesh.

But in better news, R-TRUTH. And John Cena. Cena, for his part, is the perfect goody two shoes fan favourite that Truth tried and failed to be and is now rebelling against. Truth stalling like a motherf*cker ruled. What an excellent heel. I loved him taking more and more moves and going more and more insane and stalling more and more. Going into the crowd to lure Cena away to get a countout win was perfect, great way to give him a win without actually proving himself in any way. And the end bit where he went up to the black Cena family, threw the drink in his face and BOLTED, while Cena is like “Oh God, you poor member of the Cenation” and wipes his face off and everything…just so brilliant, and again, so out of the box of what they normally do. I want Cena to defend the honour of the WWE Universe so much.

Top to bottom this was the best Raw I’ve seen in ages. There was literally nothing to complain about on this show, some good little matches, some great little segments and some excellent pro wrestlers.

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