The Redman Report: WWE Smackdown 6/5/11: No Rest for the Wicked

Christian is the World Heavyweight Champion. That sounds so cool to say. Really looking forward to this show. People have seemingly been abuzz around the internet all week about this show but for once I’ve been able to deftly avoid spoilers. So we’ll see what happens here, tonight, on FRIDEE NIGHT SMACK DOWN.

Christian! I’m so happy for the guy, seriously. I love it when a guy like Christian or Jeff Hardy wins the belt because its so real, its real and people can see that and understand it and its just…nice. So much niceness going around this week. Loved seeing him get teary again. This guy has succeeded where Matt Hardy failed, thats what hit me just now. Here’s a win for the other guy, the plain one who just works his ass off, because he has to; he’s not the flashy one. A win for the underdog. I love it.

MARK HENRY! Oh God in Heaven Mark Henry HAS TO get a title shot here. This is an amazing show. What a man. Khali?! What the Jesus?! I dont mind the “procession of guys want a title shot” spot, but Khali?! What on earth. Henry, Khali, Orton. What a collection. This man is so over, though. LOL, a crowd poll. Suspenseful. Orton getting a title shot so soon scares the hell out of me though. This cant possibly be the best way they could come up with to put the title on Orton, right? How lame. Anyway, should be a good match.

Jinder Mahal needs to lose this goofy plastered smile. It makes him look foolish, not cocky.

Bryan vs Sheamus, sounds good. And hey, it was pretty damn good. Sheamus hit this awesome KNEE on the apron. Some good ass kicking here. Loved the shoulder block into the LeBell Lock, and then the running dive-BAMKICK. Great finish. So happy Bryan is here to get his workrate on.

CODY RHODES. The Greatest Man. He needs something to do, pronto, but unfortunately there arent any babyfaces on this show.

Show vs Zeke! Its finally happening. I cant believe I’m so excited about this. You know, the biggest casualty from this entire Corre angle is Zeke’s entrance music. This right here, is DOMINATION. This was a perfectly fine BIG MAN BATTLE too. Enjoyed Zeke’s big man spots and Show trying a headlock. And how could I hate a LARIAT finish? Good stuff.

LAYLA! This sounds really weird, because no matter how long LayCool existed, “You’re not enough for me, woahhhh-oo-oh” has still always been Michelle’s music, to me. OK, Layla and Alicia are here and I literally cant figure out who the babyface is supposed to be. Layla was smiling more, but so was Alicia, and people seemed to react to her more. I’m befuddled. Speaking of which, Layla being on the winning end of a squash is certainly something. KHARMA! OH GOD. Hey, this will tell me who the heel is! Kharma only kills and eats heel bitches. And its Alicia. OHGODSHEKICKEDHER. AHAHAHAHA Alicia is going to DIE. Just, be dead. What a crazy person. Ouch, bad landing off that Lariat, no wonder she separated her shoulder. And BAMBITCHES! Its one move, but I dont think I’ll ever get tired of Kharma just killing bitches with one move, one-by-one. Layla running away was…interesting. With that plus Alicia fighting back they came off as more the heel and face respectively instead. I’m doubly confused now. Anyway, Kharma killing Layla is eventually going to be the best sh*t ever.

God, that Corre beatdown was some brutal sh*t. They really beat the crap out of him and threw some stuff on him. I would not like to have the entire costume cabinet dropped on me. I dont mind Zeke turning babyface as long as I get the return of DOMINATION.

Sin Cara! Tyson! Woah, this could seriously rule. And WOAH IT DOES. Super fun stuff, running and flipping and diving and the MOVES. Including the return of the (non-botched) SUPER C4! Cool stuff. On the other hand, Chavo was God f*cking awful on commentary. The last thing I need is Chavo freaking Guerrero getting time on my show, even if it is just to be a base for SC. Chavo sucks.

We’re getting time for this, way to go. Christian lingering on his belt kiss sure is a worrying sign. I swear, Randy Orton having a babyface match is the strangest thing in the world. It was weird with Rey, and its weird here. But its still been good though. OK, the second half of this match RULED. Christian got his MOVES on and woah this was some fun stuff. LOVED the sequence of the Draping Slap into the Rope DDT, and then the nearfall and Orton’s selling. Awesome spot there. Finish was another cool RKO variation but F*CK THE F*CKING F*CK OFF. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG DECISION. Boo to you Double Double E!

I’m perfectly aware the entire plan since Edge retired was to send Orton over and put the belt on him. I get that. But, like, you couldnt wait two months? ONE month? Seriously? This is Smackdown, nobody gives a sh*t! Let the guy hold the belt for a few weeks and defend it, its a feel good story. God.

And besides that, I mean, what comes from Orton winning the belt immediately? They had a perfect angle ready in Orton moving to SD and chasing the world title, and he wins it A WEEK LATER. Way to go. So they’ve cashed in on Orton already, end game within a week, and there arent even any strong heels ready to face him. So I guess you have Christian chasing a belt he just won and pathetically lost like a loser in a babyface feud. F*ck off. You get something so right, for once in your lives, and you go and ruin it IMMEDIATELY, because somehow you cant have Orton doing something else for THREE WEEKS or the world will end. I hate this kind of bullsh*t.

*FLASHBACK to 2007: Matt Hardy & MVP*

Challenge #1: Arm Wrestling, Smackdown 3/8/07

After last week’s tag team match Matt challenged MVP to the…challenges that would ensue, to prove one was better than the other at everything. One thing I think I’ll start mentioning is how much Matt’s promos improve during this time, starting here where he was perfectly fine.

Anyway, it begins. Arm Wrestling. I have to admit I’m a sucker for a good old fashioned pro wrestling Arm Wrestling angle. You’ve got Women’s Title bicep curls, “Got a ticket to the gun show Michelle?!” There’s history here. And MVP proves himself worthy of a glorious heel tradition, by stalling like a motherf*cker. Taking the belt off, taking the shades off, wrapping a leg around the table, taping his wrist, taking off the tape, powdering up, squeezing a stress ball. All good fun. The fake out where he goes to take the tape off was just the most brilliantly timed thing ever, and the people HATED it.

So after all this bullsh*t, Matt is pissed, Referee Jim Korderas (represent!) is pissed, so they finally drag him in, lock them in and GO! And after all that I was seriously excited to see the actual “match”. And after a long, hard struggle, Matt summons some babyface STRENGTH and pins him, and MVP goes postal. Complete fun and success.

(Apparently they had an impromptu non-match here, but I cant find it anywhere on the internet. So lets just assume MVP is still pissed, Matt outwrestles him a little and MVP gets even more pissed and walks out, which is what I can only assume happened.)

Anyway, its Matt 1, MVP 0, and we continue next week with one of the most glorious inventions of mankind: The VIP Lounge.

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