The Redman Report”: WWE Raw 9/5/11: “You kick my dog, I’ll kick your cat!”

Raw is heeling it up, it seems. This was a day of heels bein’ heels, in the best possible way (for the most part) – starring Alberto Del Rio, Ricardo Rodriguez, The Miz, Alex Riley, Kharma, Michael Cole, and R-Truth. Plus, some good matches, shockingly.  Which is above the average, all things considered.

We open with a segment C+P’d from Smackdown! And there’s nothing more C+P’d than the Procession of Guys Who Want a Title Shot spot. But I cant complain because this one involves ALBERTO, RICARDO, REY AND TRUTH. All incredible men. Miz was fine too. Truth’s gimmick of just being completely and utterly, totally insane is so awesome. Ranting about hospital food and Morrison and the stupid insults and constipation and just everything. The man is so insane. As ridiculous as the GM rejecting Truth was, it was great because you immediately realise “Oh sh*t, this man is going to go POSTAL.”  However, the greatest part of this segment was Miz being interrupted by “ALLLBERTOOOOOOOOOOOO DELLLLL RIOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” and ALBERTO’S FACE. When he realised and laughed and celebrated, oh my Lord. And the brawl was pretty cool too.

Oh God the Bellas are going to die! That makes no sense if they’re the champs though. The one shame in all this is that for the next few months all women’s matches are going to die a death (even moreso), because they’re all 60-second placeholders for Kharma. It actually hit me when the Bellas ran away that this is momentous – the first time Kharma has killed and eaten a babyface! Although Eve was being pretty bitchy that one time. Cool ass Lariat, anyway.

Kane vs Ryan. Didnt this happen last week? Oh, of course, Kane is getting his win back. These people, sometimes. They cant even push a giant muscleman for 2 weeks straight. BAMKNOCKOUTPUNCH! That was cool. And, yes, here we are, Kane and Show beat up Mason Ryan. Way to go.

Poor Dolph. Has a haircut ever killed a career like this one has? Its so depressing. He cant even work the same, this was some pretty ordinary punching and stomping. This made me sad.

More Truth bein’ insane! LITTLE RONNIE! He needs to go off on a rant every week on children, using a different kid’s name every time. And of course, leaving the building is the universal sign for running in on the main event.

ZACK AND CENA FIST PUMPING! YES!

You know, the idea of Riley coming out to challenge John Cena to prove his worth to the Miz would actually be a good idea for something. It could lead to this guy taking Cena to the limit and impressing him, giving Miz an opening for an attack, or showing Miz he can be really good and Miz gets worried, start a slow burn to…oh, right, this is Raw. Insert squash here. The thing about doing this here just telegraphs the main event result to an absurd degree, even moreso than it already was.

Cole. Blah blah blah, whatever. King I enjoy, however. Good babyface promo, and his facials are always great. The mother stuff was bullsh*t, it was bullsh*t the first time and its bullsh*t now that its a desperate attempt to breathe life into this sh*tty ass dead angle. The door botch was pretty funny though, as were the headshots and Cole’s faces later on.

See, there’s the thing. People dont like Cole. People like Cole getting beaten up, they pop whenever somebody goes after him. What they dont want, is to see Cole in a wrestling match. Because if he has an actual match he gets offense and wins through some bullsh*t means. That isnt fun, thats just bullsh*t. But every time they have someone take a swing at Cole people go “YAY!” and seemingly convince Vince that this angle has legs. But it doesnt, not in the way they’re booking it, to have real matches that Cole apparently has to win. Just go away.

On the other hand, the greatest feud of the century returns! Kofi vs Swagger. My heart. Just give them 10 minutes, for God sakes. The counters, my God, the counters! They’re still feuding! So much fun. Kofi’s leg sell at the finish was awesome. I love you Kofi Kingston. I predicted the babyface finish, and it was fun to watch. I just cannot wait for this Cole angle to end.

The main event was really, really cool. I wasnt expecting much going in, in fact I was so tired this afternoon I was half asleep, but I’m glad I woke up for this because it turned out pretty well. Rey is great, Alberto is great, and, well, Miz is good at kicking people in the head. Lots of fun three-way spots and counters. Rey’s Frankensteiner was cool. Rey, actually, took a pretty big ass kicking in this match, some wicked bumps. Enjoyed the stretch into the finish of Riley heel redemption. And two words, six letters, I Quit should actually be good, its Cena’s match and these guys have good matches in normal circumstances. I’d totally forgotten about Truth, amazingly. I dont like this feud only because it seemingly leaves Alberto out in the cold. But we’ll see. All in all, not a mind blowing show, but still a good show.

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