The Redman Report: WWE Raw 2/5/11: AMERICA, F*CK YEAH.

Its THE BIGGEST BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION (TM). And furthermore, WE COMPROMISED TO A PERMANENT END OSAMA BIN LADEN. I have a feeling this is going to be two hours of the best of the worst of WWE: OTT Americanism, comedy~,  and putting oneself over. Or in this case, putting The Rock over.

This is going to be a hell of a lot of gloating, I see. Should have expected it really. As over the top and nauseating as American patriotism can be, its still kind of cool to see so many people get so emotional. WOAH LILLIAN GARCIA~! WOO LILLIAN’S BACK BITCHES! OK, all of this American dick in my face is totally worth it because I can see LILLIAN GARCIA! I always loved her. Enjoyed.

Hey, there’s that Rock guy. After how many times can he stop taking half an hour to walk to the ring? Randy Orton eat your heart out. I’m sure there’s only so many times he can come out here and go on and on for 20 minutes about nothing, but I really enjoyed this nonetheless. Mainly because, like I said, I really love seeing someone get emotional like that. Here’s The Rock, in the middle of a wrestling ring, on the verge of tears. Pretty cool. Plus TAKING MICHAEL COLE OFF THE SHOW! That deserves caps because that was the best thing they’ve done to this show in forever.

I wish they’d mention where the show is being taped though, I didnt catch that.

One thing about Raw is that it can be so sh*tty that when they announced Truth vs Morrison I actually thought for a second it would be a match. Luckily they werent so stupid this week. I am really looking forward to this match, incredibly.

Maryse! Kelly Kelly, the No. 1 Draft Pick! Whichever of them KHARMA kills and eats its gonna rule. KHARMA! I have to admit I’ve always dug the wrestling gimmick of a girl being FROZEN IN TERROR for about 4 days while the monster heel dawdles to the ring. Swerve! So she has only eaten heel bitches so far. Does this mean Kharma is a babyface monster, or is she just letting the poor babyfaces sweat a while before she eats them? Stay tuned!

I admit, I popped seeing Ron Simmons.

Cena vs Miz was pretty damn good actually. They’ve worked well a couple times on TV now, but this might be their best match. Really enjoyed it, and Miz looked like more of a star, more legitimate in the ring than I think he ever has. I bought a whole bunch of finishes here. However, the finish was God awful and brought everything down. How could that ref possibly have decided that Miz used the belt? He didnt see it for ages. Its completely inconsistent with wrestling refereeing and it pissed me off. Which is a shame, because the match itself was really good.

Alberto! Rey! Oh God its gonna be Kofi! Kofi! Oh God, if they face Drew and someone else I’m going to freak out. Drew and Swagger! What a tag match. This sh*t is gonna RULE THE WORLD. And indeed it did. Drew was awesome, Kofi sold well and Rey hit his offense. This is an unbelievable tease. YOU SHOULD ALL BE ON SMACKDOWN WITH ME DAMN IT. But whatever, really fun tag match, all these guys are great, and we’re going to get another Alberto/Rey match before he moves onwards and upwards. Total win.

Vickie and Dolph doing this skit is just a painful reminder that they’ve been relegated to this position on the card. Dolph has lost his powers and its depressing.

Mason Ryan is goofy and clunky as hell, but this entire segment as a vehicle to get him over as a threat to ShoKane, I’m buying. I thought it was really well done, breaking the Chokeslam and then the Spear. This only ends with a tag title shot or the next Nexus break up, so whatever, go nuts.

MYA! SHE LIVES! That was crazy, I always loved Mya, “Case of the Ex” and “My Love is Like…Wo” are two of the greatest songs you’ll ever hear, and then she dropped off the face of the earth. Apart from that, the closing segment was fine for what it was, a giant ass kissing segment and the chance for Rock to get teary again with Vince. As the closer for a wrestling show it was pretty anti-climatic though. After all that, it was in fact just a giant birthday party, one I just spent two hours of my life on. But there’s still a bunch of good stuff to look forward to on Raw going forward – KHARMA, Truth, Alberto/Rey – so I’m sweet.

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