The Redman Report: WWE Raw 23/5/11: “Where did you learn to count…Canada?!”

Well…this was a show. If anyone was unlucky enough to decide to skip this week’s Raw (and to be honest I wouldnt blame you) you really missed out on a show. Stuff happened here, it really did, from the good to the bad to the unutterably insane. But this was a show, one that was actually engaging and fun to watch. Yes, Raw.

Jerry Lawler. Oh man, no Cole Mine, THANK THE F*CKING LORD. Yay Bret. R-TRUTH! WOOOOO YEAH! This guy is so awesome. Just so awesome, at everything. The best thing about this was that his real beef is that, he wants a shot at the WWE Title, and he isnt getting one. HE WANTS THE WWE TITLE. Who could have come up with such a wacky storyline? Plus, wins and losses matter. I mean, who is writing this? Anyway, this was all so cool. And then John Cena! TITLE PROGRAM BITCHES! Has to happen. And Truth immediately said something so insane it made John Cena crack up laughing on TV, awesome.  I also like that they acknowledged that they were backstage friends when he was a babyface. This whole entire segment was a total win.

I like that they continued the subtle tease of ShoKane vs Alberto here with the car, before it blew up later.

Ahaha, I love how Otunga and McG still get a tag title shot for winning a non-title match last week. Old school. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH JESUS. The first minute of this match, with Kane and DAVID OTUNGA wr…well, trying to…no, I have no idea what they were doing, but it was AWESOME. It was HILARIOUSLY bad, just a whole other level of…something. Punk is good though. I…what. They drop the tag titles to THESE F*CKING GOOFS? After all this time?! After that match?! Umm, OK. I guess they need Show as a babyface body to feud with Alberto. Oh God, a feud with Big Show, thats sure what a guy like Alberto needs. Worked out well for Barrett. And Punk. And Swagger. And Cena. Christ, wrong, wrong, wrong decision.

WOAH, this is an interview! Angry Show! OK, OK. I liked this. This was really well done. Its a funny thing, but Big Show, when he has to actually sell…he’s really a great seller. I remember him selling, I want to say Swagger’s Ankle Lock, last year on Smackdown, and it was awesome. Same here, I thought Show was awesome here as the giant who was just RUN OVER BY A CAR and trying to be all tough and “I’m fine, I’m totally fine!” with a f*cked up leg. Say what you will about car angles, but on a scale of car angles, this was way up there. I seriously was just like “Woah, wonder what happens now…” And I guess we do get the Alberto/Show feud. Hmm.

When Swagger came out I swear I got a little excited that Kofi might come out for another match. But Bourne will do. Man, Swagger BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF HIM. This was a hell of an asskicking. That Swagger Bomb looked ridiculously brutal. Shades of Drew. Oh, huh. Even though Swagger had been running around for a second it still came off as a total no-sell of the beating and the loss. And doing ANOTHER Evan Bourne ‘upset win-lose rematch” two week push, except this time I guess he doesnt even win the first match, argh. This guy spins his wheels like few others.

I could have done without seeing Michael Cole for another…well, ever again actually. But one must be realistic. I liked the continuity with the Divas backstage, even though it terrified me into thinking he might become Kharma’s manager. If only, as it turns out.

I cant say my favourite solution to the Cole problem was him apologising and going straight back to commentary a humbled man, but its not the worst option either. As long as he remains the way he was here, completely low-key and not heeling on anyone or ruining commentary, EVER AGAIN, I’m fine. Just, be normal.

Its a shame about The Miz. The guy looks like such a f*cking star when he comes out in a suit and cuts promos. He’s gold. But whenever he comes out in his lame t-shirts or has to work a match or come across as threatening to anyone, he’s impossible to take seriously. I dont know what the answer is there.

Anyway, this angle was SO AWESOME. Pun unintended. But God this ruled. Alex freaking Riley. This was the beating that Ted DiBiase never gave Randy Orton. The angle leading to it was good, and then he pushed and BAMMOTHERF*CKER. What an awesome, intense beatdown. This sh*t was real. Riley was great here, just great, kudos to him for making the most of it. No idea where they go from here other than Riley actually goes to SD now. He might have legs in the short term as a wisecracking babyface, and one would hope so since the last thing SD needs is another midcard heel. Anyway, good stuff.

All these women coming out scares me. It is way, WAY, WAY too early in this sh*t for Kharma to be in the same country as Gail Kim and Beth Phoenix. Well, not Gail, maybe, but Beth, go far, far away.

…I…eh…uh…I…wh…uh…

…I…

Moving on, Kofi! Drew! And these guys get 5 minutes. I hate this show sometimes. But whatever because WOAH WORKRATE! The opening epic highspot ending in the leg sell was awesome. Drew keeping Bret’s Figure Four is a great move (or alternatively, YOU BASTARD YOU STOLE A MOVE OF SOME OTHER GUY I HATE YOU RARGH). Some cool movement here and Kofi’s selling was top notch, the failed TIP had me totally marking out. So he cant use the kick but BAM! SOS for the win! THESE MEN.

OHGODDOLPH’SHAIRISBACK! That is literally the best news I have heard (seen) in FOREVER. YES! Not since Samson has a haircut meant so much for a man. Its not like Kofi and Dolph desperately needed to have their 5 thousandth match for a midcard title, but I’m not hatin’ because they worked so well together on SD and these matches are gonna rule.*

*Raw time permitting

NO TURNING ON RICARDO, THANK YOU. That better just be some heelish misdirection. We just did that with Miz/Riley, and RICARDO AND ALBERTO ARE AWESOME, NO BREAK UP.

Macho Man video was awesome. I’m too young for his death to have touched me personally and I’m not particularly familiar with his work, but nevertheless, this was awesome and it got to me. Plus I really like “The Scientist”.

Main event was a hella fun tag, just some good old fashioned heels bein’ heels and babyfaces bein’ babyfaces. Rey & Cena is one hell of a babyface team, I tell you. Punk’s outfit tribute was an awesome little thing there. The finish was so spectacularly fun, even with the baffling Bret attack for no apparent reason. What a strange babyface you are. But this was too fun and happy to get all that mad about.

All in all, like I said above, this was a show, one I had fun watching. Even the parts that were stupid or just soul destroyingly baffling, at least I was interested in them. I wasnt bored at any time this whole show. And most of this show was actually really good. Thumbs up.

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