The Redman Report: WWE Raw 16/5/11: Death of a Bella

You know, even with all the awesome heel work lately, I’m straight back to not being bothered about this show. I’m usually not. I didnt bother getting home in time for it. But underneath all the Rawness and …meh, there were a couple of cool stuff going on here as well, actually. Like MURDER.

Cena. Boo. We have a rudo crowd here, I see. I laughed at Riley interrupting him, that was well timed. Alex Riley was, to be honest, pretty great throughout this segment. The Miz video showing off how brutal he is was a good idea, at least. I mean, its something, but, gah. You cant believe any of it. Its not even his fault, its just, I dont know, something. Anyway, I didnt mind Cena because he got through the jokes in record time and went straight to the serious stuff, which was fine.

Kofi! Punk, hey, this could be good. Commentary freaking ruined whatever this had. Bickering on and on and on about “faith” and Punk being right or wrong and “faith” and “faith” and F*CK OFF. God. This was fine for the time they had, but jobbing out the CROSSBODY and then jobbing out KOFI…for the NEW NEXUS…that sucked. The Nexus sucks, I cant even care about Punk anymore. Just go away.

Women! You know what this means. Someone is getting killed and eaten, right now. This seriously wasnt the worst match in the world until the botched finish. No idea why Kelly is suddenly afraid of the ropes though. Anyway, KHARMA! I loved the way she looked at Kelly before she got in the ring, like, “I could literally just kill you and eat you for lunch.” Ahahahahaha Bellas attack! You gon’ die bitches! HOLYGODDINGCRAPPINGSH*T, SHE LITERALLY DIED. SHE LANDED ON HER FACE. AHAHA OH GOD. That was death. What a soldier that Bella is, whichever one it was. I laughed forever. I also rewound fifteen times. What a bump. I’m back to loving the Bellas. AHAHAHAHAHAHA FLICKED HER HEAD OFF! (This is made all the more awesome by the fact that not only is Kelly the quintessential Barbie doll, but her real life real name is actually Barbie.)

That whole deal was amazing. Kharma just wants to KILL AND EAT Kelly, like, so much, but she keeps getting interrupted by these heel bitches, and she figures, hey, I have her SCARED SH*TLESS, I can string her along as long as I want now, and she’s living life terrified. What a badass motherf*cker. Plus, a Bella just died. I was so excited by this I started writing down all the bitches Kharma has already killed and eaten (Michelle, Maryse, Alicia, Eve, Layla, Bella A) and how many more she has left to kill and eat (Bella B, Melina, Rosa, Tamina, Kaitlyn, GAIL KIM) before she gets to the big guns (Nattie, Beth, Kelly). So she’s got a couple more weeks of feasting yet. I love women sometimes.

Rey! Oh man, I would never have believed that I would write this sentence, but when Rey Mysterio’s music hit my first thought was “Yay, R-Truth!” Yikes. Rey is the greatest ever promo guy who apparently cant talk at all. ALBERTO! This guy is such a f*cking superstar, its ridiculous. I cant believe they’re wasting this match here (you know, these guys never got a singles match on PPV) but who cares. This was a fun match while it was going on. But wait, CALL THE PO-LICE! I. LOVE. R. TRUTH. He’s just so ridiculous. What was even better was the way Truth interrupted them, and then Rey went “Huh, OK then, whatever. FLYING CROSSBODY!” and they just kept working like nothing had happened. I laughed so hard. Post match with Psycho Truth was badass. “U GON GET GOT!” Anyway, Rey rules, Alberto rules, Truth rules, everyone rules.

Wow, yay, Michael Cole. Woot. Seriously, go away. At least they’ve begun getting Swagger away from him. This HAS TO END, right? RIGHT?

Nexus vs ShowKane. Yikes. See, this is why Corre > New Nexus. Gabes and Slater have had super fun matches with ShowKane. This was pretty bad. None of these guys are a tag team, at all, but somehow Otunga & Mike actually PINNING Kane means that…Punk & Ryan get a tag title shot. My brain hurts. Nexus sucks.

ZACK RYDER AND JOHN CENA! So, so, so cool. I love you so much sometimes Double Double E.

Wow, did all this main event malarky suck. Miz spends all show looking for a guy (I really liked those bits, by the way), and we end up with…Swagger. God love ya, but you’re a jobber. Plus we get a gimmick match before the PPV! Yay! This was a fine brawl, but I mean…gah. Plus of course in this No DQ match Cena just wins clean, Swagger is still a jobber and Miz is standing there like a geek. His promo here was just death, I mean, you couldnt believe a single word of it, it was so lame and phony and Miz is the least convincing badass to ever live. So then he attacks with a STEEL PIPE and Cena makes his own comeback. The Angry Cena promo here was pretty cool, but still. God. What a bunch of crap. And Cena looking so strong here frightens the hell out of me. The only way Miz is winning is through some bullsh*t Foley/Rock angle, which will DIE A DEATH. Just f*ck off and give me a clean finish. So, show in general was fine, but man, that did not end well.

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