Well, hello. Welcome to this special Christmas edition of the column. How is it Christmassy? Can’t you smell the mulled wine and mince pies? You can’t? Well the fault must be at your end, have you tried turning your computer off and on again?
While some people actually go and do that – dummies, or the Cenation as I call them, I’ll take this time to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas, when it gets here. May your day go well, and everybody has a happy time. Yes, even Jeff Hardy, providing he’s not too high to know what day it is.
So, back in the day when I used to do this first time round, and when it was actually good, I used to have a tradition of writing out a Christmas list for some of the peeps involved in this wrasslin’ business. I see no reason to fix something if it ain’t broke, so here goes. As my Christmas present to you, dear reader, the soundtrack to this column is the greatest Christmas song ever:
With that piece of audio heaven ringing in our ears, let’s get into the list. I had to bribe several elves to get this from Santa’s workshop, so enjoy!
Paul Bearer – a life insurance policy. Seems every time he makes a return he gets buried alive, thrown off a ladder or something equally dangerous.
Kane – a shirt, he doesn’t ever seem to wear one. Poor bloke might catch a cold…and a break from all the crap he’s been booked in over the years. The ultimate company man, dude deserves a normal angle to be part of once in a while.
David Otunga – two things, first a set of trunks that fit and don’t look like someone has bought him a size too small, and second, a new expression. The one he wears constantly is starting to annoy the bejeebus out of me.
Todd Grisham – I’d give Todd the will to live. Replaced on Smackdown by Michael Cole is bad enough, but then being sent to NXT? Man, that’s COLD!
Daniel Bryan – this man gets nothing, far as I can see he’s having the time of his life as it is – US champion? Wrestling on Raw? Getting a semi-strong push up the card? Having the ladeez fighting over him? Pffft. He has enough.
Jeff Hardy – a reality check. You’re a father now, you have a company putting their faith in you, and you’re being trusted to carry the biggest “shock” of the year on your back following your heel turn. According to reports, you turn up wasted, repeatedly. Idiot. Compare his attitude to someone like, say…
The Miz – he gets a big mirror to look into and repeatedly say “Man, how lucky am I?” – not for being champ, he deserves that for his improvement and work this year – but because he seems to be a genuine fan of the business, who through some good fortune and hard work, has made his way to the top of the game. Good luck to the guy. Can you tell it’s Christmas with all this good cheer?
Dolph Ziggler – some extra strong industrial strength soap, to scrub his mind of kissing Vickie Guerrero.
Randy Orton – anger management courses, and a big book of “101 ways to play face in pro wrestling”
AJ Styles – a face turn, some respect in TNA for what he’s capable of and a push to be THE face of the company.
Michael Cole – a pat on the back for taking the fact that people generally dislike him, and turning it into one hell of a gimmick. He’s one of the hottest heels in the WWE right now!
Shannon Moore – someone, anyone to write him a letter and tell him they’re a fan. Even if they’re lying, which obviously, you’d have to be.
Hulk Hogan – a time machine to take him back 10 years to a time when he could walk without pain. No jokes, I genuinely feel for the bloke.
Matt Hardy – a big bag of grapes. sour, or otherwise.
Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov – a tag division for them to work in, seeing as the WWE is devoid of one at the moment. Santino gets a bonus present of a big bag of shiny chocolate coins, because he makes me chuckle, so he deserves them.
Motor City Machine Guns – health insurance for the way they’ve been pinging round rings this year like demented squash balls. Probably my breakout stars of the year in any of the big two feds.
Ric Flair – a winning lottery ticket, so he can retire in peace. Seriously, I love the guy, but you can see he’s only in it now for the money to pay of his multitude of ex wives. Have some cash, retire from the ring with some dignity. Please.
John Morrison – a hairdryer and hairbrush; that hair doesn’t style itself you know.
Winter – a first class return plane ticket to my house. oh sorry, got mixed up, that’s MY Christmas present. Oops!
John Cena – a spotlight. Lord knows, John Cena needs some more time in the spotlight.
Until next time. have fun, go mad – and have a Merry Christmas!